I still love him and have children to think about. I am willing to try and work this out. But the negative is so much he cheated with 4 people one was an ongoing relationship. All the womwen new he was married. Why is it they don't care that they are ruining someones family. He has been drug free for six months I think the sobriety is what made him feel guilty enough to tell me. He could have gotten away with it but he told me. I am not sure if i will ever be able to trust him again and beng intamate I am unsure how i feel about that, it is supposed to be something only we shared and now it isn't. What do I do?
2006-08-10 15:40:40 · 21 answers · asked by confused 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
its possible but certainly not easy.... you need to decide if you have it in you to forgive... time can heal most wounds you wont ever forget :-s
Good Luck and God Bless
2006-08-10 15:45:51 · answer #1 · answered by D B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, you'll second-guess either decision for the rest of your life.
There are four possible outcomes:
1. Both you and your relationship survive.
2. Both you and your relationship fail.
3. You survive but your relationship fails.
4. You fail but your relationship survives.
1. Seems good for you in your present state of mind. Trust, once lost, takes a long time to rebuild. But is he willing? 4 affairs is a lot. You can almost write-off a one-nighter "I drank too much and ended up doing something really dumb" excuse. But 4 times, and one with an ongoing relationship? That seems unlikely. This is the best outcome for the kids though.
2. You divorce, yet do not recover. This is the worst possible scenario for you and your kids.
3. You divorce, move on, possibly even remarry. This is good for you and not too bad for your kids. They'll eventually learn the reasoning behind it. Kids want their parents to be happy.
4. You stay in a loveless marriage where trust cannot be rebuilt. Tension reigns supreme. Your kids will feel this. It is not good for you or your kids.
The answer is you don't have to do anything today. See if the hurt and anger pass and see what emotion comes next. Then wonder which path of the 4 seems best. Then see how you feel after 6 months or a year. The world may look very different to you then.
Good luck. I'm sorry this had to happen to you. It happened to me too. I can tell you I'm currently separated, my kids know the who's and why's, and support me 100%. They are well adjusted and bringing home straight A's from school, get along with their friends/girlfriends, etc. I guess you could say I chose 3. It has taken me almost 5 years to get this far.
2006-08-10 16:02:19 · answer #2 · answered by szydkids 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Geez. if he'd gone to a meeting or two in 6 months maybe he'd have read the 9th step and spared you some of this pain.
Some people say it is just the drugs, but I say cheating is cheating and I couldn't get over it. It's up to you, ultimately. Six months isn't very long and depending on what drug it was, he's barely even started recovery. If he is just not using.. GOOD LUCK cuz he'll probably be worse than when he was using. He's needs to go learn how to live.
NA, AA for him
AlAnon, NarcAnon for you. These people will help YOU SO much even if he doesn't do anything.
Good Luck. God Bless.
2006-08-10 16:58:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would put him to the curb, once a cheater always a cheater. He will probably say he will change, but give me a break how will you ever be able to trust him again? The drug habit I think you might give the marriage another try, but not cheating. It has been proved time and time again that those that cheat do it again. As far as the kids to you want them raised that it is OK to cheat. Get a good divorce lawyer.
2006-08-10 15:58:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the first thing you should do is get tested especially since he has been running around town sticking his you-know- what in everything that walks. Are you sure you want to stay with him? Maybe he has a problem. Damn maybe you will be able to forgive one but a WHOLE FOUR WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah right. I wonder what made him decide to tell. Did one of his women get pregnant and decide tell you so he broke it off? I could not stay w ith a man like this. It will hurt me to my heart knowing that the man I love and took vows with to be together forever has been intimate with not only one but four people. May be you all can go to counseling if you really want to stay with him. But it is going to be hard to rebuild that trust!
2006-08-10 15:49:45 · answer #5 · answered by confused 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont blame the other women. Chances are he lied to them about how horrible you were, or he probably most likely lied about being married at all. I have been there... it is not fun, and the other woman is his victim also. She had hopes and dreams also... he manipulated her just as much as you. There are very few women that get into a relationship with a married man knowingly. But once you are in love and find out, it is difficult to leave.
2006-08-10 16:42:56 · answer #6 · answered by Leigh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first your husband has to want to quit the drugs him self, feel lucky he told you my ex husband never told me, and his relationship with the other women was for 3 yrs out of 5 yr marriage so i know what your going through, i thought i could work it out also but the bond he created with the other woman was strong than the 17 yrs we spent together total. if you can forgive and forget than try see i couldnt so it was better for me to leave it ended up being the right decision for me. you have to know though that with the drugs involved it is going to be a long road ahead. and if you aint got trust you dont have nothing . whatever your decision is you are the one that has to live with yourself, make sure it is true to you not him, if you do stay with him make sure it is because you truly want to not because he guilted you into it . and if you are going to stay then you will choose to totally forget and forgive what he has done are you able to do that the rest of your life to never bring it up or talk of it again and act as if nothing ever happen not even think of it. just be true to your heart only.
2006-08-10 15:56:20 · answer #7 · answered by sexey 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really for you to decide if you can get through it...not only that, but if you WANT to. That's a lot to process. And, believe me, staying together "for the kids" can actually do more harm than good. Children are perceptive, even if they don't know WHAT is wrong, they can tell something isn't functioning properly. I guess my thinking is, if you're asking if you CAN get through it instead of how do you go about getting through it....then chances are, you can't. Whatever you decide, I hope it is the absolutly right decision for YOU and your KIDS.
2006-08-10 15:48:05 · answer #8 · answered by Rudi 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me tell you about being lied to and cheat on... You have the children to think about...is that what you want them to see..that lying is okay..cheating is okay?! doing drugs..okay?! What if he brings the drugs into the house?...and the kids get them?! or the person he's cheating with decides to pull a Glen CLose(fatal attraction) on your children...You need to think about them..if you can't trust him...you never will! GOod luck...(I've been on the cheating end of this kind of thing..and even being 5 min. late...makes ya think...) that's NO way to live!!
2006-08-10 15:53:47 · answer #9 · answered by just me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As my husband says, it's easier to just walk away than it is to stay together and face things. It takes lots of counseling and talking between the two of you. And yes you can do it!! In this throw-away society of ours, it feels so good to be able to salvage something. Your marriage is very important to both of you and to your children. Get some help asap, it will be the best gift you can give yourselves. And work hard to keep this together.
2006-08-10 15:47:48 · answer #10 · answered by SusieQ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he has cheated 4 times he is not going to stop, it would be better just too end things now. Staying together is not good for the kids, and you both are teaching them that cheating is ok.
2006-08-10 15:47:20 · answer #11 · answered by fetter_2004 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋