Detachment issues?

Question

A few months ago, I asked a few questions here about this boy I liked, for instance, how I should go about telling him I liked him and then asking what he meant when I was rejected. Well, the fleeting teenage hormones passed, and we are now friends. The problem is, over the summer, I have learned a lot about him and his life. He and his mother have bounced around in his life, they have never really stayed in one place very long, and now his mother is off on an adventure out of the city and she has left him with his step-father for God knows how long.
I have been thinking about his situation for a while now, and today I confronted him. Sometimes he can be a perfectly logical adult and pleasant to be around, but other times he doesn’t know when to stop pushing it. I asked him if the reason he was such an a** hole sometimes was if he was afraid of getting attached to me and our other friend, and this friendship thing, and if he purposely acted stupid to push us away. I asked if he tried to keep us at arms length because he thought that they weren’t done bouncing, and if he thought that that would make it less painful to say “goodbye.” After a little coaxing, he admitted that to be true.
He said that he would prefer detachment, and non-feeling. I know that even if he has convinced himself of that, he is a fire sign and a human being, and that he would be happier having something in his life, even if it was fleeting, but I don’t know how to convince him of this. I know that feeling, and it sucks, and my motherly instincts for my friends won’t allow me to just sit by and let him think that this life is worth nothing. I need help. I have limited experience in this matter. I can make him admit his fears, but I do not know how to get him to release them. Does anyone have any suggestions?

okay, I do have alot to learn about people and relationships, but I am not trying to force him to do anything, and that is just the thing, I want to be his friend, but he will not open up to me. He needs to open up to someone, even if that is not me, or he is going to explode, I can sence that much, as could anyone in a two mile radius of him EXEPT his parents. They would rather pretend everything is great, and he can't talk to them, he has said that. I am not trying to change anyone, I do know that is no good, and I am no longer interested in daiting him.

Answer 1

Despite what others have expressed in their opinions, i believe that you sound like a very mature person and that you are working with good intentions. On that note, i believe that by expressing your own opinion on someone else with so much intensity, that it is only making them draw back. It seems clear and easy to you to just get him to release his pent up anger because it would solve so many problems. But this person doesn't see that he is even doing anything wrong in his life and even if he does, he is comfortable with how is life is. He may not be happy but it's safe for him. Unfortunately We can't control what other ppl are thinking feeling, doing, we can't control anybody Else's life or decisions they make. You can only do your part. Your part in this if you really want him to see the light, is to have a HEALTHY friendship with this other person in hopes that he will gain enough trust in you to offer just a little more of himself. Don't allow yourself to be his doormat or caregiver, just be there. If he is still a jerk, put him in his place and make him appreciate you for the person that you are, and when he feels that He can't get you through pity or whatever else he is playing on. then he will come up to you as he really is and you can have a lasting relationship and know you helped someone find themselves along the way. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Getting your friend to experience the feelings or the emotions of friendship and intimacy will be difficult. He has a strong negative belief that he will be abandoned by you and your friend and thinks why bother getting close it will just hurt more in the end. This is a self defeating thought. Even though it is true that people leave for many reasons (death, relocating) he is already for this to happen when it may not and is missing out on an even better relationship.
I understand where your friend is coming from and this is going to be something he will have to do for himself. When you live in the moment it gives you great memories and yes some are painful but not in such a negative way were it wasn't worth the experience. Telling you this though is like preaching to the choir it is getting this idea through to your friend. Bottom line is he has to be willing to feel again and let go of the false belief that if he gets too close it will hurt when what he isn't feeling is not much better.

Answer 3

I like this one. I believe the pushing away thing is NOT what he is doing. I think he may THINK so but based on personal experience with this exact thing from different ppl in my life, I've come to the conclusion that it is more of a TEST to see at which point you too will leave him. Basically a test of trust. The problem is there is NEVER a satsfying result for these ppl. Even when the relationship seems solid they do things to "push your buttons" for "no reason" ALL THE TIME. Because of their deep seated insecurity they feel the constant need to KNOW that no matter what they do, you will love them and never leave only it ends up backfiring because the person that is being tested eventually tires of these nonstop fights and confrontations and DOES leave only its not for the reason the person thinks it is which is either they themselves are not worthy or the person that left is not worthy....but thats just me and I'm not nobody

Answer 4

well, from my experience, detachment is what guys do best. Its their best protection from being hurt. He said he likes to be like that - leave it be. Perhaps he has had something fleeting in his life - and now it is gone. He did not want a romantic attachment to you, and now, you want him to open up to you - which in a guys book is much the same thing!! If you push him he will become guarded. If he wants to share anything with you he will. All you can do is let him know you are there for him (which Im sure you already have)!!

Answer 5

Just be consistent in the Love(friendship) you offer him. This does not mean to give up your self in an attempt to receive love back. The act of loving is Love. And to expect love back means you are offering it with conditions, measure your motives, if pure and unconditional, keep sending him love. Expect nothing in return. Accept however he handles that love. Giving Love feels exactly the same as receiving love when done unselffishly. Does that makes sence?

Answer 6

A lot of good points have been made. You are a good friend for caring so much, but you can't make him change. All you can do is keep being the good friend you are, whether he appreciates it or not. Accept him for what he is, and assure him that you'll be there for him if he changes his mind. I hope he realizes someday what a good friend he has in you, but he has to want to change.

Answer 7

If you want to have good, healthy, loving, balanced relationships in your life, you need to let people know that you are there for them, but your primary responsibility in this life is taking care of yourself. Always have room for people that you want to be there, but don't wait around for them. Always move forward finding what you want. And, no matter how hard it may be for you to realize it, you don't want someone who isn't sure he wants you. You can't fix someone else. The fact that he is "scattered" doesn't indicate that you can pull him together into something useful.

Answer 8

So much of this is out of your control because you are minors. If he gets along with the stepfather, could he stay there? If he moves, you will have to make the effort to stay in touch. Either way, only time and loyalty will prove your friendship.

Answer 9

Hard as this may be for you to hear, You cannot "make" him do anything. He is his own person, and makes his own choices, You can, however, make suggestions until "he thinks of them".
He does not need you to be his mother, he needs you to be his friend, and most often, that means giving your two ears and your heart, and offering feedback when he asks for it. It is hard to suffer with our friends, but that is what friendship often involves.

Answer 10

you arent a psychologist........and the most important thing to consider is WHAT MAKES YOU WANT TO SAVE SOME GUY THAT YOU LIKED? Women who try to save a guy usually have self esteem problems of their own. You cannot change people, only your views of people. Stop trying to be his shrink and be his friend. No guy in their right mind wants to be subjected to some girl psycho-analyzing him at every chance she gets. Thats ridiculous. Good Lord....I dont blame the poor guy. He probably pushes annoying people away. Just chill with the psycho BS unless you wanna lose him for good. Trust me, men hate to be analyzed and questioned. Youve got a lot to learn.