what do you say in this situation?

Question

a co-worker of mine gave birth to her son 1 month ago and he has been in intensive care ever since. just now, i found out that my co-worker and her husband decided to take the baby off the machines early this morning and now her son is in heaven.
(the baby wouldn't have survived, and to force him to suffer in this world was not in his best interest).

the next time i see my co-worker may be at the memorial service.
we're not close friends, but she is one of my favorites to work with.
instictively, i'd like to wrap my arms around her and bawl, but that's probably not appropriate.
can someone tell me the right words to say?

i wasn't sure which category to post this in.

WOW! thanks, everyone. i don't know who to pick as best answer because they're all so good.
again, thanks, guys-great advice!

Answer 1

I have actually gone through this situation. I lost my son in Feb.2005 due to polycystic kidneys. If we would have put him on machines, he would have lived longer, but only on the machines. I could not sit there and watch my son suffer. It is a very difficult time for your friend. Believe me. The best advice I can give you is to go see her before the service and tell her you wanted to speak with her in private and let her know even if you don't know how she feels, you would like to let her know she has your support and if she needs anything (even to talk) you are there for her. A hug would help too. Even if you are not close, a hug always helps. I had strangers come up to me and hug me and pray for me and my husband. Bring flowers to the service to place on the baby's grave. It was really nice to see that people cared enough about a baby, and myself, to show such a gesture.

Answer 2

1st of all, don't forget to take handkerchiefs.
At the memorial service when everyone is hugging them, just say "I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better." At this point she will probably say thank you and that's it. She's basically telling you that you can move on without saying anything else.
Don't say too much since she probably won't remember it anyway. The day is going to be so painful already, make sure you don't make it worse by saying something insensitive like, "Well, at least he's in Heaven or 'in a better place' ." That's not going to make her feel better.
If they have a graveside service at the cemetery, you should keep it short and quick also. If you say "I'm so sorry" again, that should be enough. Also, if she has tears running down her face, you should dry them with your hankie while telling her " I'll be here whenever you need to talk ok?"
When she nods her head, move on. Don't stay in her face. If you do, she'll turn away sooner or later and then it gets awkward.
I'm sorry you have to got hrough this. I'll keep you & your friend in my prayers.
Good luck. : (

Answer 3

A family member of mine lost her baby, and there was the thing about removing him from life support.

There is nothing you can say, and she knows that. She'll know, too, how horrible you probably feel over such a thing

Hug her if you want. Tell you, "I'm so sorry." or "There's nothing I can say" and maybe offer to help if there's anything she thinks of or needs. Try not to cry, but if you cry that's fine too, There will be a whole lot of crying going on. There's nothing you can do to make her cry less or more (for the most part). She may have the benefit of that numbness that Nature gives us in horrible grief to some extent.

After the memorial service is over and people are back working again, just don't walk on eggshells around her as if she's fragile. She probably wants to be able to be treated as she always was and to be able to be at work and maybe sort of get her mind off things. Such grief can be very isolating. One of the best things people who aren't in the thick of the grief can do is try to just act normally around her at work.

My family continues to think of the little guy we lost about 18 years ago now, but - belif it or not - his Mom lived with it and went on to have a beautiful little boy not long after. (She said it wasn't that she wanted a "replacement baby", but that her grief was so bad the only thing that might help was the joy of a new child.) She said, too, she found that support groups for mothers who lost their children were "too morbid". She found she felt better if she just tried to live her life as best she could without dwelling on her loss. (Just some words from her in case you're talking with anyone who is close to your co-worker)

Answer 4

Ohhhh how sad. It would not be inappropriate to wrap your arms around your co-worker and bawl. If at all possible keep it down to quit tears if you can. It is comforting to know you have friends that share your grief. This will also give her confidence knowing she can come to you for support later on when she needs an outlet during her healing process.

Answer 5

Since your heart has not told you what to say, you say I am so very sorry for your pain.I wish I knew the words to take away your pain, but I don't think there are any. Please know you have been in my thoughts. Is there any thing I can do to make your life easier (maybe more at work since that is where you know her best)... and then be there for her.

Sometimes though it IS very appropriate to wrap your arms around them and say "sometimes life just sucks!! I have been thinking about you." There is nothing else to say.That was all I could say to my cousin when his young daughter was killed in an accident. Let em cry if they want.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say anything unless something comes to mind, just squeeze her hand or give her a hug will say more than words.

The hard part will be in a few monts when everyone but her and her husband will have put it behind them, be prepared with a sympathertic ear then and know that losing a child is very hard on a marriage.

Answer 7

You might say something like, "I know there are no words to express how you must feel, but I want you to know that I care." If it feels right at the time, go ahead and hug her, but the stages of grief are such that she may not even be through the disbelief yet. Just be there in the future if she begins to talk (at work or whatever) and listen.

Answer 8

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that this is a hard time, so if there is anything you'd like me to do to make it a little easier, let me know."

If that's enough, that's enough. If she wants to talk more, talk more. Just be careful. Keep things general, such as, "I know it must have been terribly hard, but if it helps at all, I think you did the right and more merciful thing."

Your presence is probably more important than your words anyway.

Bawling might be a little too much. But if your eyes mist over, so be it.

Answer 9

Since she is one of your favorites to work with, you should let her know your actual feelings. "I really don't know what words would be appropriate now but I am here when you need a listener. Dump me your feelings when you feel so. I've always thought you as one of my favorites to work with. You can't be depressed always, your son won't want such a mother like that. You have to be strong and face the situation. When God closes the door, somewhere he opens a window."

Answer 10

I Don't know why you think its not appropriate. I think physical contact is very healing. But yet again, how close were you. You don't have to be the best friend of someone in order to give him support. Go ahead console her. The world need more compassion these days. Maybe in the future you'll be best Friends!!!