feelings of inadequacy!! help!! how can i fix this!!?

Question

I finally figured out what my problem is. After taking some time to analyze our relationship, I finally realize the real problem between my fiancee' and I is my feeling of inadequacy. I met him as a student, when he was my professor, so I think I still harbour some feelings of inferiority (he is smarter...) Also, although I am an accomplished and interesting person (I speak 4 languages, have traveled around the world, have 2 bands, am a spoken word writer...) I tend to feel very intimidated among the 'academia' bunch, and my words don't seem to come out! I realize this is not his problem, yet I can't help but feel that my personality is changing for the worse when I'm with him! what can I do to change this, and please, don't tell me to leave him, because i love him! I simply want to understand what is happening in order to fix the situation.

Answer 1

change is the part of nature and we cannot change it. as far as love relations are concerned we are unable to judge weather we are in love or mere infatuation. this is not the problem of inadquacy but only lost of trust and that too between you and your god, trust almighty hear your inner voice never neglect it and you will get the best answer

Answer 2

YOu may well need to leave him. See one of his attractions to you IS the very fact he feels superior and knows you think he is too. You are right in that it will probably get worse if you stay, but if you were to try to strengthen yourself, he's likely to be unhappy with the change in you.

Different relationships have different dynamics. Some people like being in master/slave (for lack of a better term) relationships. They enjoy either being the dominant partner or being submissive. But you aren't enjoying it.

You are likely to be happiest where you feel like an equal.

Keep in mind that you already have an impressive set of accomplishments. You have a lot to be proud of in yourself. His areas of strength or superiority are just DIFFERENT than yours. That doesn't make his areas superior to yours, just different.

I know you said you didn't want to be told to leave him, and maybe it is possible that a break for awhile will give you both a chance to work on your own self asteem AND to think about the relationship from a more objective perspective.

Understand that is indeed possible to have a good relationship of unequals (you said he is more intelligent..at least academically) but that only happens when the smarter partner isn't constantly saying and doing things that create or feed a feeling of inadequacy in their mates. I know this because I have lived it. Usually I'm the partner who is more intelligent and I've had to learn how to be myself and not make my partner feel weak.

I also suspect given the way you met, that he's a lot older than you too and it is common for young women to somehow feel more secure with an older man. Again, keep in mind that most men want equals, those that seek lessers are insecure themselves. In other words, he chose you and has created the situation that keeps you feeling inferior because that's what he needs to feel good about himself.

In other words, yours is a dysfunctional relationship that isn't likely to ever be healthy, but only reflection free from him and the relationship is going to give you real clarity.

Just because you love him is NOT enough! The Beatles lied when they said "love is all you need." Love is an emotion that has no basis in rational thought, nor does it need it, thus you can be in love with someone who is completely wrong for you. It happens all the time, if not most of the time.

However to make a GOOD life together, you have to come at it as equal partners (or at least happy with a dominant or passive role in an unequal relationship), and with common goals, interests, and healthy ways of dealing with conflict.

I suspect that once you remove yourself for a bit, you'll begin to see many areas where you are compromising your own desires and/or soul, and if you really thought about it, how can you ever be happy doing so?

Take a vacation from him at least, for a couple of weeks. Maybe avoiding the panic that often ensues upon breakup will help you have the break you need, while not ending the relationship before you really know what you want.

Finding a good therapist so you can get professional help is a good idea.

If you don't you will eventually lose yourself and likely end up depressed and miserable. I'm also not so certain there's a problem with you, or even him, but rather the dynamics of your relationship. It may be possible that this can be fixed via couples therapy, but that would take two willing partners.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like classic ego contaction starting to become conscious in you (a healthy good thing actually!). Imo the only way to get beyond it is to become fully conscious of that particular ego 'program' in your psyche. If you want liberation from it that is! There is always a polarization with these programs of the psyche, and usually we're only consciously aware of one side of the pole. So with your issue, if you take the inadequacy and do a 'turn around' in order to find the opposite pole -- you'll have something like 'superiority' at the other end. Anyone who has one side of a program WILL have the other side also. So try to become aware of where you may be expressing superiority somewhere. It's your shadow you're looking for so let go of your natural desire to defend your 'rightness' -- if you can't be open to seeing your own shadow you wont be able to see it. It's NOT something conscious in you and you're NOT a 'bad person' for having a shadow. We ALL do until we consciously work through it!

Humility is the state of feeling neither superior nor inferior to anyone. Feeling inadequacy is no more humble than feeling superiority. It's exactly the same ego program, just manifesting differently according to your personal experience. Becoming conscious that you're feeling inadequate is a great first step to digging out the shadow in your psyche. But you need to go further and dig out the WHOLE program within you...in order to transcend it and be liberated from it for good.

The ego desires acceptance and fears rejection. You are both desiring acceptance and fearing rejection - but by bringing your awareness to this fact and digging deep you CAN transcend the inadequacy/superiority program altogether. It takes dedication and inner work to do so, but eventually the program will just disappear -- becoming more and more transparent every time the issue arises. (I have used this process to overcome countless shadow issues, including the inferiority issue!)

If I were you I'd see the problem as an opportunity for inner development. The issue being on the surface of your consciousness will actually make it a LOT easier to root out. If you have any further questions about this process, feel free to email me. Imo, you don't need outside help (including me!!) to get beyond your issue. You just need tools!! Mental health professionals for the most part put a band aid over the issue instead of teaching you (by offering tools) how to be liberated from the issue. If you seek out the wrong 'professional' your shadow wont be worked out and let go -- but will grow larger! There are therapists who have an understanding of true development, but they are few and far between. So be careful who you open your psyche up to!

Hope you find the answers you're looking for. Take care ~

Answer 4

Often we feel inadequate because we care to much what others think and have come to the conclusion that this is how others see us. You need to stop caring what others think (the academia bunch) and start to get to know who you are. Focus on what you like about yourself already. Do things to improve yourself (I don't mean plastic surgery or being fake) like exercise or reading. Make sure that you do things on your own. I'd guess that you have a tendency to define yourself by your partner, which is worse than defining yourself by the relationship because it excludes you as important. Ultimately, you need to become more independent within the relationship.

Answer 5

Humans are perfectionistic, you are being human. Of all humans on the earth on a scale of 1 to 1000, 1 is the best kind of human kind and 1000 is the worst kind of human kind, what number would you choose to rate your self.

Answer 6

you have to just get over it. you can't fix it so quick. you need to accept it and move on or you will be stuck forever.

i agree with first answer

if he asks about it tell him that you are going to a psycologist, but if he asks why, tell him that you're doing it for self improvement, or something to that extent, you could tell him that you want to be better for him before you get married. another answer could be pre-wedding stress.

Answer 7

You should see a therapist. We are not qualified to help.