25 years old and pregnant?

Question

Hello all. I am a woman who needs some advice. I was in a on and off again relationship with my ex-boyfriend. We are currently "broken up" but we still sleep together. We don't date other people but it is as if we are still "together". I just graduated from college literally 3 months ago and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my baby cousin who is 22. I just found out that I was pregnant literally 2days ago thru a home pregnancy test and then I took a blood test just to make sure at the hospital I work at. Since we both aren't a couple do you think it is wise to raise a child with parents who don't live together nor are in a stable relationship? We are getting together tonight to write a pros and a cons list. It sounds strange but I am so 50/50 on having an abortion or having the baby. My mother is a Christian who feels that abortion and sex before marriage is wrong....and the funny thing is I feel the same way to an extent. I am torn and I feel like my life is screwed no matter what

I am not offended...I appreciate your honesty. I was on Desogen (birth control) I should have mentioned that.

Honestly ladies the thing that draws me towards an abortion is my mother. I am sooo scared of what she will think of me once she knows or if I choose to tell her that I am pregnant...she didn't raise me like "this". I know I am not 16 but I value my mothers opinion...she is the best woman in my life.

Answer 1

your life isn't screwed, but it will never be the same. there are a lot of couples (by which i just mean 2 people) who raise a child and are not married - gay friends, gay friend and straight friend, divorced couples, and people who break up and stay friends, who work together as a team. the most important thing about you and your "boyfriend" is that, if you keep the baby, you must work together as a team. he will be responsible for support, for instance, but you should also discuss your views on parenting. ultimately, if you decide to keep this baby, the majority of the responsibility will be yours, that's a fact.

i'd like to know why you are still sleeping together if you are broken up - is this simply a case of finding the easiest source of physical comfort, or do you both still have strong feelings for each other? if the answer if the former, i'd advise you not to marry for the baby - you'd wind up splitting later and that can be awful for a child. but if you still love each other, than maybe -- not to be corny, but -- this was meant to be.

25 is not too young, and you really have an advantage in that you have a degree. you can still go to grad school if you wanted, and if you're going to enter the workforce, you have 9 months to settle into a position. don't let anyone tell you daycare makes you a bad mom. we all have to do what we have to do to make our lives the best we can for ourselves and our kids. i'm a grad student and i had my son when i was 24. he goes to daycare when i'm in class - some semesters that's 3 days a week, sometimes 5. my husband works 50+ hours. but we spend quality time with our son and with each other when we have the time to spend, and we're never lacking.

i know this is a very difficult time for you emotionally. but don't let your relationship with him become more the issue than the baby (and don't let anyone influence you with religion or morality either - that's up to you and you alone). if you want to keep the baby but feel you two cannot have a "stable" relationship, then don't be afraid to do it alone, since you won't be. with a son or daughter, you won't be alone. i'm pro-choice myself, but i also have to say that adoption is a really wonderful alternative. you two MUST be able to work together as a team, whether you are "together" or not.

no matter what, this is your choice. you sound like a smart and level-headed girl. your life is still before you, hae no doubt of that. and yes, your life will never be the same, there will many many new considerations to make with a baby. but when you hear people gush about how having a baby chnaged their lives and they'd never look back - there's a reason.

good luck, sister.

Answer 2

Tough situation. Admitedly it was not wise to continue having sex after the relationship is over, but it's too late for that. First off you really need to decide where your relationship is. Could you possibly end up together someday, or could you at least be decent to each other for the rest of your lives while you share the life of a child? 18 is not some magical cut-off date, as long as that child lives you will be connected to the man that helped create it. Do your plans for the future have room for a child? You said you just graduated college, so I assume you haven't started a career. Having a baby doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold, but it can slow it down dramatically. Can you support a child financially? Emotionally? Children are expensive, they require food, clothing, shelter, medical/dental care. Not to mention proper education, and activities ie: baseball, music or dance lessons. Do you anticipate future relationships? Not everyone wants a partner who already has a child. As far as the abortion issue goes I am pro-choice, so I can only say it is your choice, but you must be prepared for social rejection from people who are too ignorant to understand. Don't have the baby just because ignorant people who do not have to live in your shoes, tell you not to. Just remember abortion is something as life-altering as birth, and there could be emotional factors you didn't consider that might only arise after it's too late. Adoption of course is an option, but you need to know if you could give birth and then hand the child over? Not everyone who adopts is a perfect candidate for parenting, regardless of all the so-called "tests" they have to pass. On the other hand, children can be a delight, a wonder and a real joy. They can enrich you lives in ways that nothing else on earth will. In the end you ( and of course your partner) are the only ones who can make this life-altering decision. Good luck!

Answer 3

There are many options besides abortion. You could go through the pregnancy and make a decision any time up to the birth, considering both keeping it or putting it up for adoption. There are so many infertile couples out there, which you can see from this website who would love a baby to raise. You could arrange an adoption with someone you know if there is anyone who wants a newborn baby to raise. You could try to raise the baby on your own. I don't think good parents are always defined by a two person couple. You could be great parents and still not be together if you work as a pair and the child is raised knowing both parents. You could opt to be a single parent, as well. Many women or men make wonderful single parents. Please think hard before ending the beautiful life that you created together and good luck with your decision!!!!

Answer 4

So what your not together and you do not live together, you know how many people have kids each year in that same position?

I had a baby at 17 and the guy dumped me like yesturdays garbage and now my son is 2 and his father has had nothing to do with him.

Abortion is murder no matter how you want to look at it and nobody really knows if God is against it or not but say if he is do you really want to take that chance of going to hell when you die? Think about it have you ever seen a priest support abortion?

I never once considered abortion but at one point I did think of adoption but in the end I just could not give away soemthing that was a part of me and I would be going crazy wondering where my child is and if they are being treated and cared for correctly.

Here is soemthing to think about. You never know whats going to happen in lifr an abortion can sscrew you up to where it is hard to get pregnant or can cause you to never be able to get pregnant again.

My cousins ex fiance had something go wrong when she had one and now she can no longer have kids and she is 23 and wanted a big family.

Answer 5

I have perspective on this from all sides. I am a nurse who has counseled pregnant women. I have had abortions. I have three children. I have a teenager from a previous relationship, we were never married, I chose to raise her as a single mom. I was adopted as an infant and found my birth parents when I grew up. So I have some personal and practical experience.

Now, think about this carefully but decide quickly if abortion is a consideration. I would not recommend abortion beyond the 10th week, definitely not beyond the first trimester. Life is like a chess game and the move you make here will change your life. If you abort, you may regret it of course. If you are considering keeping the child, ask yourself if you can deal with speaking to this man for the next 18 years (and probably far beyond that). Can you deal with being a single mom if it comes to that? Can you handle the stigma and financial difficulties? Can you afford a custody battle, visitation troubles? My ex was abusive and didn't see his daughter for 8 yrs and yet when he filed for custody (and lost) it still cost me about $15k and wasted a year of my life.

Adoption these days is not something I would consider. You never know how strong biology is until you have a child of your own. Babies show traits of their parents right from birth, even if they never live with their parents. My daughter did things (and looked just like) her dad and they had never met. I had many traits of my biological parents and I didn't meet them until age 22. Nowadays the trend is for open adoption which can be confusing and legally ambiguous for everyone involved. Plus, the father will have to consent. I personally would not do it. I wondered all my life what my bio parents were like and it broke my heart when I finally met my bio mom. Although she was intelligent and beautiful she had a broken, wasted life and I had to cut off contact from her, she is now deceased. Yes, giving up a baby for adoption can be wonderful but it is a very serious life changing decision you will think about every day for the rest of your life.

I think it can be done to be a single mom. If he is involved enough to see you and discuss pros and cons, what are the chances for you guys to get together. If you love each other, is it possible to work things out? If you have graduated from college and have a chance for a stable job and relationship, that would be ideal.

Answer 6

I think abortion is wrong period. If you are torn it probably means to NOT have an abortion. My cousin got one as a teen and she is now 34. She still regrets having the abortion and still thinks about the baby all the time. She says he or she would be this old now. If you are thinking twice about it now you will definately regret it later. You could always have the baby and give it up for adoption. I think open adoption is the best choice because then you still get to be a part of the baby's life. You may have the baby and realize you can't give him / her up. You will make it work. A baby is happy as long as there is love. It doesn't matter if you are with the father or not.

Answer 7

I was in a VERY similar situation. I was 50/50 on the abortion issue as well, and I thought I could get one because of the situation, but I went to the clinic and I couldn't do it. I didn't even go inside I just knew I had to have this child. But you need to know that you can't live for your mothers approval, and things happen. You weren't being irresponisble, you were on birth control (as I was), things just happen. Have you thought about adoption?
I just think you know if you can get an abortion or not, you can feel it. And raising a child with someone you aren't married to can be really hard, but I just think about how I gave my son life, and how amazing he is, even though I'm not with his father. He will still be a perfectly well rounded human being, and I can't imagine my life without him.

Answer 8

I am 24 years old. I don't have any kids but, 3 of my closest friends did when they were 19. Between the 3 of them there are 5 children. All of them did it pretty much alone. Atleast they are alone now. One decided to marry the father last year but, they were apart for almost the entire time of their daughters life. I think what you are doing with your pros and cons list is a good idea. If you feel that abortion is the answer maybe it is but, only you can decide that. I do not want to be responsible for your heart ache 5 years from now when you realize you shouldn't have had one. I personally, think it is ok. I am Catholic but, I don't practice religion. You can also consider adoption but, to me that would be so hard on a child later in life. You and your boyfriend have put yourselves in a very touchy situation. Maybe you will learn something from it.

Answer 9

Your life is not screwed. Having a child is a gift.

Your first mistake was still screwing around with this guy if you can't even get along long enough to be in a relationship together.

If you can't stand to be together in a relationship...why is he more tolerable while naked?

You should spend some time and make a list on the pros/cons of that....

You're educated, you're self sufficient, you apparently have less than perfect judgement when it comes to physical relationships but other than that...It sounds like you have your head on straight. You have no idea what's going to happen with this guy...but your baby will always be a part of you...

I'd keep the baby and spend some time trying to figure out why you're still getting naked to the ex.

Answer 10

well no matter what you do it will forever changes your life. THINK LONG HARD your only options are not keep or abort it you can BLESS a happy stable married infertile couple with their DREAMS of a child. GOOD LUCK you are already better off then a teen mom. YOU are working having a place to live. I had my son at 18 no college living at my moms! i now have a 10 year old a home new boat and cars. A BABY IS NOT the end of life it's the start of LIFE. It makes things harder thats life, life is not always planned. BTW I'M PRO CHOICE