Falling in love with the wrong guy?

Question

My husband passed away and now I am falling in love with his best friend who is also the husband of my friend!
The man I am now interested in has been a remarkable friend to me and my husband. I have always admired him but nothing such as word has ever passed between us. However, I know that he is fond of me too. His marriage has been falling apart for years now, and he is miserable with his wife. The problem, is that his wife has also become a very good friend of mine over the last few years. They have been very supportive to me in time of crisis and I am indebted to both of them. He is like a father to my kids and they adore him. Their marriage is in a critical condition now, and I can't help but think that he might be thinking of me and being encouraged to divorce now that I am available. I know that this should not be, and I intend to act as if nothing is happening, but I see it in his eyes, and I know my eyes reveal to him the truth. What should I do? He also has a child.

Answer 1

His marriage needs to succeed or fail on its own, without your meddling. If he divorces her, he should do it because that's the right thing for them, not because of the promise of something else. My therapist says that many people want to divorce but are reluctant to do so until they are seeing someone, so that they don't have to go through the difficult time alone. To me, this is clearly immoral, unfair, etc.

Once he is divorced, then you and he can determine whether there is anything real between you. (You will have to deal with the adage, 'what he does with you, he will do to you.' What assurance do you have that he will not stray again? Is he just looking for a rebound relationship to get him through the divorce?)

I know a few couples who have gotten together because a mutual friend/spouse passed away. (Although I don't know any that involved a divorce.) The grieving process does bring people together, and the qualities that drew you to your husband are probably what drew the friend and your husband together as friends, so it makes sense that you two would have a lot in common. But you need to make sure you're not transferring your feelings for your husband to a substitute or just trying to fill the hole he left behind. Has it been long enough for you to know what your true feelings are? When my dad died, they told my mom to wait a minimum of a year before making any major life decisions. Perhaps by the time your friend gets his marriage sorted out, you will be far enough through the grieving process to have some perspective on it.

And, hopefully it goes without saying that, absent exceptional circumstances (e.g., it turns out she is having an affair and can't wait to get rid of him), if you start dating this guy, you will devastate your female friend and you need to write off that friendship.

Answer 2

Don't get involved with him, he's still married, and it doesn't matter if the marriage is a bad one. The point is he "is" married to your friend. If his marriage falls apart and he divorces then by all means have a relationship, only if you want to ruin your friendship with your friend (that you say your indebt to for being there for you.) Do you really want to repay her love and help by stealing her husband? What if the tables were turned and it was your husband that was involved with your friend. There are alot of would of's could of's and should of's but do what you think is right in your heart and think of what could happen if the two of you did get together both good and bad. Just because someone is good to you doesn't mean they're good for you. My sympathy goes out to you. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Your emotions are running wild because you are going through the trauma of the death of your husband, his because of a bad marriage. If you were any kind of a friend to this man OR HIS WIFE you would leave it a lone. It's not your place to condone a divorce and remember this, what goes around does come around, maybe not right away, but it will and when it does it will smack you so hard you won't know what even hit you.

You need to settle down and he needs to settle down too.
It sounds to me like him and his wife should be seeing a counselor and trying to make things right

If you are indebted to them, the best thing you can do is to keep to yourself and stay their friend and don't be crashing their marriage, yeah, it may be falling apart, but it's not your job to finish it off. It will not make you look good at all.

Answer 4

If his marriage was in trouble BEFORE your husband passed away,I think that you will be making a mistake by being intimate with him.Remember,you are friends with his wife too!I am sure ALL the problems they have are NOT all HER fault.This man wants his cake and eat it too.He thinks he can have you both if he plays his cards right.I suggest you get into some singles events where you can meet other people.You are lonely.And taking another woman's husband will NOT help you.Only leave you with GUILT.I am sorry if I offended you...but this is just how I feel about it.Good Luck..Take Care.

Answer 5

As difficult as it may be, continue to be there for both of them but as a FRIEND only. Any problems in their marriage will have to be worked out between the TWO of them. Likewise, the decision to divorce should not be influenced by any involvement by a third party (you). If they do divorce, and although it would still hurt his wife, I would say he would be "fair game" at that point... but not a moment before! Becoming involved prior to any type of official seperation would only end in disaster. Not only would it seal the fate of their marriage, but very, very, very seldom do the "rebound" relationships work out. They usually only last long enough for the "rebounding" person to regain their feet and feel secure, then they move on to someone that they can truely start over with... you would still forever remind him of the painful period in his life. Hope this isn't too blunt, but at least it's honest..

Answer 6

Break it off now. If you want to get with him, tell him to get divorced first. You are being selfish. He is too. Just because your husband died does not mean you have the right to act on every itch. You are vulnerable due to your loss and obviously needy. He is probably grieving too and just as needy. If you two were meant to be together, there is no harm in waiting until he officially leaves his current wife. You will feel so much better if you didn't have to wreck a home to get your man.

Answer 7

Notice what the Bible says about what you are doing.

Romans 7:2,3 For instance, a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is alive; but if her husband dies, she is discharged from the law of her husband. 3 So, then, while her husband is living, she would be styled an adulteress if she became another man’s. But if her husband dies, she is free from his law, so that she is not an adulteress if she becomes another man’s.

You are free to marry, but he is not, the only grounds for divorce is adultery or death. You don't want to be the Adulteress do you?

Don't do it, let them work out their marriage! How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Answer 8

If these people are truly your friends then you need to remove yourself from the situation, You don't want to be the reason their marriage broke up. If you need support in dealing with the loss of your husband then find a local support group. Don't make a bad situation worse

Answer 9

I WOULDNT GO 4 IT BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS A FRIEND AND YOU COULD LOSE HER WHEN THEY GET A DIVORCE AND YOU GET TOGETHER WITH YOUR FRIENDS EX dont even think about it they have been there 4 u always when you needed them and i think that it would b stupid of u 2 do something crazy like that unless your in the position to lose a friend who is always there 4 u good luck and do the right thing :)

Answer 10

YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND HERE AND THE KIDS. ARE THE KIDS INVOLVED W/EACH OTHER AND HOW OLD. THAT COULD REALLY BE HARD FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER.
YOUR GF IS GOING TO THINK YOU ARE THE REASON FOR HER DIVORCE EVEN IF YOU AREN'T THE AND THAT WILL BREAK ANY KIND OF FRIENDSHIP YOU ALL HAD.
I THINK YOU SHOULD STEP BACK THINK HOW YOU WOULD FEEL IF IT HAD BEEN HER HUSBAND THAT PASSED AND SHE STARTED A RELATIONSHIP W/YOUR HUSBAND NOT COOL AT ALL.