I need SPECIFIC examples of rules & consequences for a sensitive/anxious child. No stupid beating comments!!?

Question

We have a busy, crazy household. Our daughter definitely needs more organized structure, but we're having a hard time establishing a starting point for the rules topic. She is 11, sensitive, has anxiety. She is rude, really mouthy/disrespectful. On the other hand she is very sweet and helpful when she wants to be. Please suggest a few ideas. Please don't waste your time with "beat her ***" comments. They are obviously not helpful.

Answer 1

First off, most kids crave some structure in their lives, it makes for fewer "unknowns". One thing that has worked for us is setting a schedule for dinner. Everyone is at the dinner table all cleaned up at 6:30. We sit down and enjoy the meal and discuss what has occurred during the day. Everyone has to have something that is important to them, no one can put anyone down by demeaning their comments. This little bit of structure can help the whole family spend time together without the TV on.

The biggest favor we can do our kids is to hold them accountable for their actions or inactions. If we tell them something will earn them a punishment, the punishment must follow the misbehavior. Just like adults speeding on the highway, not getting a ticket makes them think that it is OK to do.

The mouthiness can be just a phase if you work to stop it now. Of course the beatings will not work, just makes them meaner.
But you can take away privileges; you are the parent and it is your house. Being rude loses TV time or earns additional chores. Don't do the chores, don't get dinner until done. Don't give chores that they have to do by themselves, have it be something that requires teamwork--something as simple as peeling potatos while you are in the kitchen. Please do not think the answer is sexist, we have done this with our two teenage boys.

If she says something mean or rude to you, do not get mad. Look her square in the eyes and tell her that it was rude and very hurtful to you, then turn away from her without saying another word. This is a case of the person that speaks first "loses".

Remember she is only 11, you can still have a lot of enjoyment with her before she moves out on her own. And that is our biggest job as parents, raising our kids to be good adults and not worrying one iota about being their "friend". Good Luck!

Answer 2

I feel for you. The whole family could probably benefit from some counseling in regard to making reasonable schedules and whatever else is making the household "crazy."
Sensitive or not, your daughter needs to understand that she is not the only one in the world with feelings. Here are some suggestions:

Try to ignore your daughter when she is mouthy and disrespectful. Especially if she is asking you for something. You may tell her, "You just hurt my feelings by being disrespectful. If you think about a way to ask that question that is less offensive, I will consider your request." Then, when possible, try to grant her desires more.

Consider everything carefully before saying no. Tell her you need time to think about it and get back to her when you've thought it through. Often we say no automatically when a yes would probably have been all right.

Praise your daughter when she is well behaved.

Ask your daughter if she would be open to a reward system for good behavior. Then visit a teacher's store or make a poster that can be used to place stars for good behavior. At increments decide on the reward. It doesn't have to be material. Considering how busy the household is, time alone with a parent to do what she would like (see a movie, go for a walk, to the park, to the mall, etc.) could be a treat.

All in all children want to behave well and be liked in their environments. Shower your daughter with love and don't withhold love to punish her. Isolate her acts of defiance from the person, but have firm and unshakable consequences (such as time out or denial of priviliges for a time) when she misbehaves.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Take away a privilege/privileges when she mouths off at you, ground her if she's disrespectful, immature, or disobedient. I'm not talking grounding her for a week, or two weeks, unless she's genuinely B A D. At 11 a few days is fine. If she has a party coming up, or wants to see her friends on the weekend, and "breaks the rules", take the privilege of going to the party or going somewhere with her friends away. As for the anxiety, have you ever thought it might be depression? When I was 12/13, in Grade Eight last year, I was extreeeeeemely depressed. Take her to a counsellor, he/she will find out if she has any problems or heavy stuff on her mind. Don't forget to reward her heartily when she does the right thing. Give her pocket money, say, $5 a week, buy her little jewelry trinkets - bangles, bracelets, earrings, hair ties, headbands, etc for consistent good behaviour. If she's been on top form for at least a fortnight, maybe buy her a compilation CD, or a CD of music from her favourite band? Hope this helps... love electricarizona

Answer 4

Try setting up a weekly timetable for all the family - maybe a big poster for the kitchen and get her involved.
Have a family meeting and make up joint rules for you all to follow, the kids giving you guys rules and make joint decisions in which ones are decided on.
Try the one warning and then a treat is removed approach, when she realises she can only watch tv for 10 mins a day, or can't play with her favourite toy she'll improve her behaviour.
Reward good behaviour by returning confiscated items or use a ssticker chart to work towards a big treat like a day out with just you.
you don't say if you have more kids, is she jsut hitting puberty and feels you give more attention to the others, try and set aside time for the two of you once a week, even just to brush each others hair or bake a cake.
Finally, ask her whats bothering her, and work through it as a family.

good luck xx

Answer 5

Wow, I know how you feel! I have a daughter who is 15 who is the same way and has been for years. The most important thing is follow through. If you set up consequences for behaviors you have to follow through! I have been really bad about this and have definitely paid for it. As far as consequences go, take away things that she likes. Ex. cell phone, tv, hanging out with friends, etc.... Since she is sensitive make sure you don't criticize her directly or yell and scream. Just criticize the behavior and let her know that you know she can do better. If all else fails, take her to a therapist before things get too far out of hand.

Best wishes and good luck!!

Answer 6

Let the punishment fit the crime, figure out what an appropriante "punishment" should be for a mouthy comment or wisecrack. Figure out a reward structure for good behavior, on a "gambling" setup- if you're good, consistently, then at random I'll reward you, if you're bad, I'll think twice before allowing rewards. Sounds like a good punishment would be no cellphone or phone time for a day of mouthiness, since she's 11. "Sensitive, has anxiety" sounds like you don't want to crush her little fragile psyche. Believe me, your daughter is stronger than that and will rise to meet your expectations if you raise them high enough. How about watching "Nanny 911" for some ideas?

Answer 7

Hi, I know the LAST thing a parent wants to hear at ANY TIME IS MEDICATE YOUR CHILD. However, I've been where your child is and its NOT FUN FOR HER. She's going thru hell and is being torn in different ways, wanting to do whats "right" and then the NEED to "protect herself" and doing even that wrong (i.e., being mouthy and disrespectful).

Call your local County Mental Health Clinic or County Health Clinic and ask if they have a "visiting psychiatrist or even one on call" and then if you can, make her an appointment. This is NOT for medication but for talking to get her familiar with seeing the doctor and him familiar with her case and get an idea with whats going on in her life. After a session or two, he can either diagnose or prescribe something for her to help her feel "less anxiety and less sensitive" when around others. This WILL NOT CHANGE WHO SHE IS, it will merely allow her to be HERSELF! No one would ever want your daughter to be a zombie (over medicated, if that EVER happens always call the doctor immediately!) and have him call in something else. Your daughter should be feeling alive and comfortable and not "half asleep."

Good luck!

Answer 8

I am 12 years old so, I know what she is going through, subtract the mouthy and disrespectful part. Well I was always raised as to have manners. And, by that I was always, always getting fused at. When she does the nice,innocent, sweet part then treat and praise her. Yell at her and tell her that she won't get any back to school outfits or something. Well I really hope that this helps. I will pray for your daughter to come to her senses. Thanks.

Answer 9

It is their nature. A woman is what a woman does. Selfish acts begin with a selfish heart. There is no need for a complex answer. Just an acknowledgment of the female nature.

Answer 10

she needs more of You time,that disrespectful mouth has got to stop NOW ,be consistent explain the consequences for direspect and explain disrespect and how and why it is innappropriate.Kids have a hard time putting their frustrating feelings into words and it comes out as sassy mouth comments