I've written a short story. Could you please give me your feedback?

Question

http://pic4.piczo.com/jabber-wocky/?preview=y&g=24334443

Thank you very much. Please don't comment on the grammatical errors, as I'm much more interested in what you think of the actual quality of the story.

Answer 1

Again???

...zzzzzzzzzz...

Answer 2

I confess that I don't see where the story is going. It's a bit confusing, strange and funny all rolled into one. That would be fine except for the fact that it is a little scary. I would back away slowly from the person who wrote this.
That being said, it's salvageable: there are lots of good ideas that require explanation and extrapolation. Who is this character besides a name with bizarre tendencies? Ask any bachelor if he has had his strange moments and he will smile. Lastly, it doesn't make sense that he keels over dead immediately from a gross sandwich. Much of it sounds like you just read Franz Kafka. There was a great one-liner in the movie The Producers about this story.
It's a shame that Frank Zappa died because he would have loved this as liner notes.

Answer 3

Hmm.. Interesting anyhow!

I LOVE my Emerson boombox. I really do 'love' it. I like this story, but the fact that the guy in the story loved his Emerson TV/radio... that made it 'really' a worthwhile read, lol

The end was unexpected and it was the right length I think. The story held your interest and you got a good idea of what the man's life was all about from just the short read.

Answer 4

It started out interesting and then kinda got lost in itself. I understand that you were trying to paint a picture of a man who is all alone without even someone to call him but I don't see the point of the fishy tasting sandwich killing him. Was it alive? Was there some cosmic calamity he got involved in? Why didn't he make more progress towards killing the voice on the phone. Sorry.

Answer 5

It was fine. I agree with the others that it seems that some of the details are more of a distraction than helping the story. However, if those quirky details are linked to something bigger later on in your story, that is fine. It's hard to tell from just one chapter. Well done tho ;)

Answer 6

What can I say? I think your short story is quite interesting, you have a vivid style and it's good that you keep it short and simple without focusing to much on irrelevant details, as many authors do. Well done!

Answer 7

Well, I liked the first part, and you had me hooked but the problem I had was that you were jumping all over with your visuals and that affected the flow of your story. I mean, who cares about his dream and dirty mind? Stick to what you are writing about and I think the ending isn't bad, but in between, you need to focus on what you are trying to actually say.

Answer 8

you're maximum in all probability going to ought to discover cyber web web content that are geared in direction of comments like absolutewrite boards or critique circle. a lot of those critique places could require which you basically earn your shelter> you may no longer basically post your artwork and no longer participate, so as for you to be vulnerable to critique others artwork, or interior the case with absolutewrite, you need to have 50 posts on the communicate board before than you will post your artwork for recommendations (you don;'t ought to critqiue to get the 50); they're wiped out of persons coming there for fast recommendations and whilst they get it not at all bothering to take part or circulate back the will and generally not at all bothering to circulate back to even say as consequently the folk who took their time giving the writer a critique. With critique circle, you earn components by utilising way of critiquing others artwork after which you will use those components to post your very own critique for assessment. i've got critically utilized places like Wattpad and worthyofpublishing. the two cyber web web content are passable to post your artwork for human beings to learn, even nevertheless IMO, no longer nicely for recommendations. In my savor with my very own artwork and from reading the comments for various's artwork, maximum persons commentary to enable you be conscious of methods lots they favored it, to no longer supply you recommendations. and human beings who don;'t like it ought to no longer commentary even nevertheless will circulate directly to in spite of else. So, IMO, those 2 cyber web web content are passable if youin case you basically desire to post your artwork for human beings to learn and experience, even nevertheless they're no longer passable if want/decide on recommendations - notably friendly recommendations. Plus, i've got tried to make the main of wattpad to offer recommendations and you're very constrained in what proportion words you will post interior the comments section, so it does no longer look designed as a cyber web web site to offer writers particular recommendations, in case you comprehend what I mean; in hassle-free terms a area to post your artwork for others to learn and (with fairly success) experience.

Answer 9

i didnt read it. but did you know that if you ask the same question twice it is considered at spam. i didnt report you though because i dont believe in reporting.