She refuses Counseling!!!!?

Question

Ok! I asked an early question and got many good answers. Let me clairfy my situation. I am forty she is forty one. Married 17 years. Two children 12 and 14. I finally woke up from many years of being a workaholic. I fell in love with her again. We do not fight at all. Living together is like roommates that dont talk at all. No sex or affection. She will not go to marriage counsueling. She says the more I push her to go the less she will think about it. She has finally gone on her own on therapy. She says also I am very controlling. I have let her go for several months now without a holding her back. No questions period. Now it has been 8 solid months of emotional hell for me. I cant seem to function. Do I stay or do I drop the bomb of "Either we work on this or we sell the house and go our seperate ways". Friends tell me this is your last resort. She has told me she does not love me as a husband and does not care for me!!! Help!!!

Answer 1

Sad situation Slingo2000. It sounds like the last line pretty well sums it up doesn't it. If you have good honest and open communication and can work on things that is great. But it sounds like this relationship may be not repairable. Your years as a workaholic certainly wouldn't have helped the situation. But feeling like your living as roommates must just be terrible. Try suggesting again counselling or sex therapy. If your wife continues to say that she does not love you or care for you as a husband well then I'd be packing my packs asap and throwing up a for sale sign.

Answer 2

Workaholism like alcoholism is attempted forms of controlling your own behavior. Do you drink?

You might adopt some personal principles to sweep your side of the street first. I am married 16 years with a 12 yr old and 14 yr old. We were married and divorce and remarried. (each other).

My thoughts are simple now, keep my side of the treat clean. Communicate with her about the kids and life.. Give her unsolicited affection that doesn't lead to sex. She is angry about something and guess what? You'll likely find out someday. Instead make an effort to be the best dad and husband you can within the constraints you have.. Go on a date with her and without the kids once per week. Talk nightly before you go to sleep about the day.

find hobbies and interests that you can foster and make grow. if you gave up workaholism to come home and expect things to be peachy-keen it is not going to happen overnight. She is resentful about the lost years of marriage, and you not giving yourself then. In all likelihood she will serve papers and there is little you can do to prevent it.

Help around the house. Turn off the dish or cable and get off your b-hind and do things.

Just a few small suggestions from someone that's been in your shoes. Life happens one day at a time. We must live it accordingly and act accordingly. Check out Divorce Online, many good people in similar boats, it was useful for me when my wife and I separated..

If she says she doesn't care for me, the love is lost, a one way marriage is not a marriage. Make the suggestion of staying it out until the kids are done with college for their sake.

Answer 3

I think she's made up her mind already. You don't tell us what happened in those 17 years. If you were always working, and she handled everything on her own with the kids and the house, you may have just burned her out. I'm not trying to be harsh, but that's a long time to wait around for a men to notice you. She is hurting, I have no doubt. I've been in her shoes.
You can't put the genie back in the bottle, unfortunately. Even though your feelings have changed, you are still the person who caused her a lot of pain for a long time.
Selling the house and moving on makes a lot of sense. Don't be bitter and mean, you have two kids to think of as well. If you focus on parting on the best possible terms, and she stays in counseling, and you get some counseling on your own, maybe someday you can get her back. I wouldn't count on that, however. Your best bet is to learn from your mistakes, and build a new life for yourself that includes time for your kids, your job, and yourself.

Answer 4

If she is telling you she doesn't love you, then honey I'm sorry to tell you, but you need to go your separate ways. You can't have a marriage without love and communication, which in your case you have neither. I know that 17 years is a long time and you have kids involved, but it's time to walk away. It sounds to me like everyone in that house is unhappy, and your children probably are too because they are sensing the strain between you and your wife. Try to stay friendly with her for the kids sake, but if she doesn't want to work it out, then let her be. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

I don't think it means she wants you to go. I think that just because you decided to fall in love all over again, doesn't mean the passion has returned for her. Maybe you both have been through issues like lack of effort, respect or time. So now that you are ready to love again, you should really evaluate, when you may have hurt her, what she might be dealing with and ask her if it's something that she feels your relationship will get through ...with time to heal....Don't be quick to pack your bags because you're not getting what you want , when you want......true love endures, and accepts...loves in spite of......and believes that agape love is forever!!

Answer 6

SELL the house and move on. She is clearly using you. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't having an affair while you worked sooo much. Now that you are home more often she is feeling the crunch. Just tell her" we either go to counseling or its over and that's that. Good luck.

Answer 7

Don't beat a dead horse. She wants you to go. I'm not being mean, it's just a fact. I went through this, too. A year from now you'll wonder why you didn't get the hell out of there sooner.

God Bless.

Answer 8

It is time to let her go. If she has come right out and told you she doesnt love you, as painful as it is...you need to let this woman go. You deserve to be loved and happy and if she isnt willing or able, I am sure there is another woman out there who would and could love you the way each of us deserve to be loved. ALl my best to you friend.

Answer 9

Sorry, dont want to cause anymore pain, however, she did say she no longer loved you. Save yourself any more pain, start focusing on yourself and no longer on your relationship with your wife. Looks as if she's moving on.

Answer 10

Time to split, if she wanted to the marriage together she would.