When we started dating she told me she was a virgin. Later she confessed that she had been with one guy, who forced himself on her, and it was no more than him inserting. I was OK with that, even though I did threaten to whip the dudes A$$. One night I was at her house and woke up to her crying she had written me a letter telling me that she had sex multiple times. Its not the sex that bothers me, its the fact that she lied to me 2 times now. Later I found out that she had done some heavy parting @ college and would take guys back to her dorm, what happened there I do not know. I confronted her on this and she said it wasn't true. Well I did a little research and found out she lied again, I have emails as proof (Unless the emails were lies) I dont know what to do. I am not upset over the fact that she is not a virgin, I am upset that she lied to me. I have offered her many chances to fess up to ANYTHING that might come back to hurt our relationship. Do I stay or do I go?
2006-08-10 08:24:02 · 52 answers · asked by chadmichaelwarren 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
For the people who think I should let go of her past. It was her that brought up the fact that she was a virgin. I didn't care even if she wasnt, but very much respected that! It was almost 6 months later when she confessed the first incident, and another 6 months until she confessed the second, right after our engagement. I have tried to put this in the past. I let her know how hurt I was, if she would have told me all of this from the begining I would have never been upset (Its not my character.) Last night I was sleeping and she woke me up crying again. I asked her what was wrong and she said she never wanted to loose me. The first thing I thought was that she wanted to tell me something like she did the night that she said she had been with other guys. The only issue I have with postponing the wedding is the fact that her dad is a minister and if I did postpone I wouldnt want him to find out why and be crushed like I was by lies. I will let everyone know what happens!
2006-08-10 08:47:36 · update #1
I would go, if you have given her every opportunity to tell the truth yet she continues to lie it's a sign of her character. If she is willing to lie in the current status of your relationship it's bound to get worse. You have to ask yourself do you honestly trust this person enough to devote yourself to her for the rest of your lives?
2006-08-10 08:29:17 · answer #1 · answered by shae 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I have lived this story.
My mistake, when I found out right after we got married and I responded by leaving, I met someone else and started banging, later she tried to reconcile and I figured things were even. Imagine this, being the MAN I was I told her everything.
Guess what -- even after two dumps of the truth she was still lieing,
Later on I thought she was having an affair but guess what? I was suppose to trust her.
After two children, a lot of suspicioans and the docotor's report with all the STD's I relized she WAS cheating.
All I can rember is this relationship started with lies and ended with lies.
You are being used and she has no respect for you.
Do not belive any of the girl crap you are going to read, girls like the rules that says its OK to be a slut and then you lie to get the bill payer.
THIS IS HUGE AND WILL IMPACT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND IT WILL CATCH UP WITH BOTH OF YOU. Lies ALWAY do.
My suggestion is that YOU call off the wedding. Be a MAN and stick by it don't worry about what people say and don't feel the need to explain yourself.
Take the hit for loking like an A** b ecause its much better than being married to the LIAR you know her to be.
2006-08-10 08:39:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having been divorced three times and having gone through hundreds of relationships my advice is this. Postpone the wedding for a year or so, tell her it is a serious trust issue. If she loves you she will stay. If you are still together in a year get married. There are a lot of variables of course but the bottom line is; does she love you? If it is so important to you that she was a virgin I am sure she is ashamed to tell you. Maybe the problem is your puritanical attitude. If you ask me: better a girl who has been around a little, she has seen what is out there and will more likely stay faithful. Good luck and lighten up on the little lady. Dude.
Later: You know if she was asking advice I would tell her to dump you, your trodding on her honor in a public forum leaves me wondering perhaps it's you who needs to get their @$$ kicked. You sound like you are too friggin jealous and demanding and once you are married she will be nothing but a possession for you to control. I feel sad for the poor girl who fell in love with you. Think about what you are doing hotshot, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
2006-08-10 08:32:39 · answer #3 · answered by JAR2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you ask her whether she was a virgin or not when you first met her? If so why? Her past sex life was none of your business,
nothing to do with you, and I dont see why she had to confess to anything. However if she confessed to being a virgin then "changed" her mind and has kept on lying about the sex thing since she sounds a bit confused and immature. Have you asked her why she lied about all of this? Did she do it because it was originately something to do with your views on women and sex? Has she lied about anything else? Only you know whether you can trust her or not. Maybe you havnt known each other long enough to get married yet.
2006-08-10 09:11:46 · answer #4 · answered by The BudMiester 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get the hell out.
First of all, trust is the foundation of every good marriage. Now that you have found out that she is untruthful on issues such as this, what else will she be lying to you about in the future? The checkbook balance? What she did on her girls trip to the beach? Trust me. Somebody who lies about stupid stuff like that will lie about much bigger things.
Second, you have to realize that you're probably dealing with a person who is very immature at the least, and probably has some big emotional problems at the worst. Neither situation makes for a rock-solid marriage.
Hard as it is, I would put things on ice until she can clear the air. If it doesn't work out, then you've dodged a major bullet in life. If it does work out, she'll know how important the truth is to you in your daily lives together.
2006-08-10 08:40:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you need to tell her all of this, calmly and rationally. Tell her she needs to tell you everything, and she needs to be honest about it, because it bothers you. If you don't want to know details, but you do want things clarified, just ask questions on those subjects. Some people may say the past is the past, which is true if you are just dating. But when it is something as serious as a marriage, details matter. I wouldn't want to find out my future husband was a completely different person than he claimed to be, so would need to know what he was to help me understand who he has become. The past doesn't necessarily dictate what she is now, but you do deserve to know.
Next, you need to consider if this is a recurring thing. If she lies about things a lot, it is a problem. Your marriage will never work, no matter how much you love her, if you can't trust her.
Last, she needs to get into counselling. She obviously has some issues with her own sexuality that she needs to resolve. If she doesn't, she will carry those into the bedroom with her.
I know a girl who consistently lies, saying she is a virgin. Often, girls do it because they don't want to be considered sluts. You need to assure her you will not feel that way about her.
2006-08-10 08:36:38 · answer #6 · answered by queenoftheoakies 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you really need to get to the bottom of why she lied. Is she really ashamed of her past and wants to pretend even to herself that it didn't happen... or does she think you're the kind of guy who'd really be upset at the idea she has slept around?
I think you should sit her down and talk. Explain that you don't care that she's slept with people - all that matters is that you love her and it's fine for her to have a past, it's just the lies that hurt you. Tell her that now's the time to move forward in your futures together and that you both need to be completely honest with her.
As for the emails, I wouldn't trust them. Someone's trying to break you up and you have to side with your fiance. You can't take someone else's words over hers! Now you're not being fair to her. Get to the bottom of everything and accept her answers as the truth finally. And tell her that you love her and just want a good relationship and to spend the rest of your lives together.
If she woke up crying and wrote you a letter about her past, it sounds as though she's really worried about all of this - but there's no need, is there? She doesn't need to have been a virgin for you. and neither do you for her. Just make that clear and you'll be fine.
2006-08-10 08:33:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a hard one. I would talk to her, seriously, she needs to know that lying is what is bothering you not the fact that she is not a virgin. Also, I would show her that you are serious and tell her you are thinking about changing your marriage date to give you both some time to think or that you are thinking about ending the relationship. She needs to know how much this bothers you and remember she may just be ashamed of these things and did not want you to be ashamed of her. If you really love her give her a chance to fix this, but do not enter into a marriage without getting this straightened out.
2006-08-10 08:35:00 · answer #8 · answered by Steven H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do the hard work now and ask her why she lied. Ask her about the emails and the college parties. Ask her about the lying. The lying is the issue, not the past.
This would be a deal breaker for me. If I couldn't come to a place of trust with her I would postpone the wedding. There is nothing wrong with postponing. This wedding is going to change the rest of your life (hers too). Sort it out now.
2006-08-10 08:33:08 · answer #9 · answered by AK 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know what you are going through. Run is the only answer.
I was about to get married with a woman that told me the same crap. I went through the marriage. We ended it six months later because she was sleep with guys from her past while I was at work. It isn't worth the hassles.
If she lied now, what will become of her when you are married. Oh he is just a friend who I haven't seen in a long time.......and then you find out she picked him up on-line in a chat room. Run fast run hard.
Or you can go through the marriage and expose her at the reception, then get the marriage annulled.
2006-08-10 08:32:32 · answer #10 · answered by John M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow im sorry to hear that and as hard as it is i say u need 2 first address her and tell her that u need some room 2 clear ure head and 4 now the wedding isgoing 2 have 2 wait a while if it is going to happen but dont just leave her there dumbfounded let her know why tell her u dont like the fact that shes been lying 2 u lately look i may be 14 but trust me on this one i know what im talkin about i wish u the best of luck
2006-08-10 08:32:17 · answer #11 · answered by skflaramee 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋