Have you ever had to rebuild a relationship?

Question

If you did, help me by telling me what you did, how you accomplished it. I want to help my husband understand we have a beautiful future together, we just need to rebuild a bad relationship. We love each other, but the lack of time, and other problems made him believe there's no saving us. He says he wants a divorce even though he loves me.

There was no adultering involved, but I can say that the main reason this happened was that we were not having enough time together in bed. And it was my fault, I was going through a bad phase and just didn't feel like it. He felt rejected for too long.

Answer 1

I have had to rebuild my marriage. 7 years ago I had an affair that nearly ended my marriage. We were not even sure at the time if things could be salvaged as so many bad things had been done and said to one another. Re-building a relationship takes lots of time and commitment from both people. If your husband already has it in his head that nothing will work and a divorce is it, then there is no way of making it work. He has to go into this with the idea that he is going to do whatever it takes to make it work, you have to go into it with the same mentality. Each of you have to be prepared to take responsibility for previous indescretions and the things you have done in order to not repeat those same mistakes. People need to feel validated and to know they are being heard, Take the time to sit down and listen to his concerns, fears, the things that made him angry. If adultery was in the picture....all those haunting questions need to be answered as well. It can be done, I am proof of it. With lots of talking, crying, time, and effort, we have managed to make our marriage better than it ever had been. My best to you and your husband.

Answer 2

My boyfriend got hurt and, because he couldn't be with me I felt so rejected. It wasn't for very long but a month straight of being turned down really takes a toll on a person, even if there's a perfectly good reason. You can't start over again. What you need to do is take the time to really talk about things. Why you love one another? What needs to change? When it will change? If it is because you rejected him for too long for personalreasons, my suggestion would be to rebuild trust. After that, put on all you moves... but new moves. You'll have to change how things are done, completely. Otherwise, it will just remind him of before. For example. If he always start touching you first in a certain way and then you followed, try touching him first and doing it backwards (from the waist up instead of down). Start making time for each other now... not once you've decided to give it another shot. It's too easy to fall back into old patterns. And remember, if you're the only one making changes, he's still changing in response to them. You may have to do most of the heavy lifting, but he'll have to straighten out what you give him. Good luck

Answer 3

You both have to be in on this. Take some quiet time together, maybe go away with each other for a long week-end where you wont get any interruptions.

Each take a note book and write down in bullet point format what you want for your future. Then talk each point through, taking one of your points then one of your husband's. If either of you feel uncomfortable about the subject, agree to park it and return to the subject at a later date.

Be patient, but if he really does want out you need to be strong and let go. If you force things your relationship will end up with a great deal of bitterness and anger in it.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, I have, I should say "we" have. After 10 years of marriage my husband and I separated. Two-1/2 years later we reconciled, it will be two years back together in November. It's been SO much work, but I have to say it's worth it. We began by each seeing separate shrinks for our individual issues. Two years later, that work continues. We learned how to argue without personal attacks and yelling - that has been our saving grace. We started with time-outs and have gotten to the point now of being able to say to the other: "Look, I can't talk about this right now without screaming at you, I cannot be calm right now." The other person has to accept this and hold their tongue until we can both talk together calmly. It has meant a world of difference to our marriage. Airing grievances is dangerous territory and should be done with a lot of forethought. Don't say things like "You ALWAYS" or "You NEVER." It isn't true for one thing and just sparks more anger. It isn't easy, I wish you the best of luck. If your husband really does want a divorce you cannot force him to work on your relationship. If he refuses to go to a marital counselor he just isn't that invested in saving your marriage and is already looking elsewhere for happiness. I hope that isn't the case, my heart aches for you, truly it does.

Answer 5

Try bringing back some of the spark that got your two together. Sometimes talk is overrated. Surprise him witha romantic dinner or a sweet gesture like a pretty card, or a small gift. Try little gestures like touching his shoulder when you walk by, giving him a slight smile. all those little things you did when you were flirting. He'll see that you mean business and if he still loves you, he will reciprocate and then you can work it out from there.

Answer 6

Let me start off by saying that I really believe bin your relationship. I can tell that you are sincere about saving your marrige and are looking for real answers. After being in a really bad reationship in the past i have learned that as women, our emotions are tied to our physical ability to be sexual. If you were going to a bad period that cause you to hold out in the bedroom then I completely understand. The best thing to do is to sit him down and talk to him, show him how sincere you are, and show him that you are still really sexually attractive to him. I want you to remember that this is not something that can beat you..be strong for yourself and for your marrige. If you want to really talk sometimes I'm [e-mail]

Answer 7

yes, i have. and we do it every day. it takes constant nurturing and care, and both parties have to be committed to it.

the main thing was that we had a child. and it changed us both - so we had to a) admit that and b) acknowledge that we were very different people. then we had to work with what we had instead of being so angry that what we had changed.

it was helpful for us to "start fresh." to make amends for what we did to each other, then promise to drop the old baggage and start clean, no holding grudges.

i don't think you can rebuild a relationship without letting go of the one you had before - it gets in the way.

patience, compassion, understanding, integrity, and yeah, it takes time.

Answer 8

Dr. Phil wrote a book on this called Relationship Rescue.

I think it would be great to go on a romantic trip somewhere- Paris- if you can afford it- or even just a weekend camping. Make it a point to NOT talk about your problems. Just have fun -talk about pleasant memories and see what happens.

Answer 9

I tried but he was unromantic, chauvanistic and wouldnt listen to me at all. I became more and more miserable. Went on for 11 years and finally fell for the soulmate. Im now remarried. If he wants out you can suggest counselling. Are you sure he isnt in luv with someone else?

Answer 10

My wife & I are about 4 weeks past this point.
Counseling has helped us so far. A month ago our relationship seemed over, now (after 8 sessions), we at least can see a point of recovery.
Good counseling can change both of you...if both of you are willing to change.
The biggest mistake is assuming it's 'his' problem. Takes 2 to tango. He won't begin to open up unless he believes that you are willing to move forward with him.