Gay and alienated?

Question

I have always been somewhat of a misfit but I always attributed that to being gay. When I was in school I thought "once I get out of this h*** hole and out of this small town and other gay people I'll be fine." But surprise surprise it didn't work out that way. I started associating with other gay men and have found them to be just a bunch of whores with no morals or values. I'm very lonely and want to be in a commited monogamous relationship but I just can't find another man like me. I don't know what else to do.

Answer 1

I admire you for wanting that out of life and I do think what you're looking for is out there. Bars and clubs may not be the best place to find that...if that's where your looking. I hear so much about on line dating. May sound cheezy but at least that way you'd have the opportunity to specify specifically what you're looking for in a relationship.

Answer 2

A lot of gay men from small places head straight (no pun intended) for a city with a major gay population for validation of their life. The problem is, a lot of the men who tend to move to "boys' town" of any major city are the wilder type that you describe as "whores with not morals or values." While I think that you have exaggerated, I know what you mean.

Now that you live in a location where there is a substantial gay population, start doing the things that you like. Whether that means joining a gym or a bike club, working on political campaigns, volunteering for a health related agency, a garden club, a church, whatever. Don't worry about the fact that 90% of the people there are straight. 10% are gay...and of the 90, half know other gay people. Get yourself out there, but not necessarily in the bars, etc. You'll meet somebody of substance who thinks as you do.

Answer 3

If you don't live around San Francisco area; you're missing out!! In any case, don't lose hope, I've met quiet a few gay men that were extremely decent and loving individuals. They were very kind and very Christian as well, they also believed in monogamous relationships only. But the thing is that I live in the San Francisco are and so I meet many.
Don't ever forget that whoring is not a gay thing; whores can be found among straights and gays, men and women!!
Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, you're not the only one who thought coming out would make it all better and found themselves feeling like a misfit. Not at all!

Try other venues. If you're in a big enough town, there's probably an LGBT paper, or you can do a search under "gay" plus your town. There are so many activities--churches, rodeos, running, bowling, etc. Look for activities like that where you have more in common besides just wanting to meet a man. I've also seen that pro-marriage meetings and groups are good, because the single people there (who aren't as many as the coupled people, I'll admit) *want* to be married one day. :-)

Happy hunting!!!

Answer 5

I am taking a guess here........22 years old? Just going by your name(1985) if so..you have plenty of time. But where are you looking for Mr. right, is it in the wrong places? You will find him, like Phil Collins sings, you can't hurray love you'll just have to wait. Anyway try looking in other area's than where you are looking now. There are groups to join, you can find the right person on-line too( I DID) 4 years now ......everything good. Just be careful if you choose online, because a lot of times they are not who they say they are. Good Luck.Hang in there

Answer 6

Not all gays are like that, I promise. Before I came out I was very stressed about my life and very distant from alot of people. When I finally came out to my parents I was myself. I was happy. But I had found the same thing you had. Im 19 and I still havent.... Just kno ur not alone : )

Answer 7

Don't look for answers in bars. By their nature they are transient and cheap. Go to a bar to have fun and for the music and for dancing.

You have to learn to expand your circle in healthy ways. Go to a gay lesbian community center. Look for gay events that would attract people like your self. Join a coming out group or something. Join a gay charity. Do a gay 10 minute dating thing. Go to a gay bingo.

Maybe work on your social skills. Just because you move doesn't mean that your problems go away.

Answer 8

My friend, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I very rarely "fit in" in school, and thought exactly the same. Mind you, I wasn't ready to admit I was gay until after I left school. When I did finally come out to myself, I went looking for other gay people. But, initially, I was shocked at how sexually liberal the gay community was. I was shocked at how the stereotypes I thought were misleading were actually not in many cases.

But, I discovered, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For me, I'm a gay man who is looking for real love. I too want a commited monogamous relationship, and doubt I'd settle for anything else. But one thing I have learned is that something else isn't necessarily worse.

One of my best friends, when I first met him, was very sexually liberal. I'd have to say, initially, I was uncomfortable with that. But as I got to know him, and realised how much more than any part of his sexuality he was, we became good friends. We are both social outcasts, and are ok with that.

Since then, he's started looking for more commited relationships. God knows, if we hadn't become friends like we did, I'd have gone for him :)

I know what it's like to feel alienated in a community you think you'll finally find some kindred souls in. When I came out to my mum, she actually asked me if I thought I was gay because I wanted to be part of a community, I explained to her, I'm gay because it's part of me, not because of the community that comes with it.

I've since become open to the way other people choose to express themselves sexually. Some of my good friends are what could be considered promiscuous, but I respect their decisions and them mine (on the most part I believe).

It's true that there is a portion of the gay community that is made up of dare I say it "slutty" queens with no substance, but they're by far not all like that and if you open yourself up to other people, I think you'll find you'll meet some interesting people.

I'm guessing by your name that you're about 21, as am I, and at our age, and being gay, it's not easy to find someone else looking for the same thing. I wish you luck.

Answer 9

Did you get out of your small town - where did you go - where do you hang out - do you make an effort to create friendships when you are out - - are you involved with your community? Do you volunteer? Are you a political activist? There are tons of things you can do to find like minded people!

Answer 10

I think you are looking in the wrong places. To meet men, don't go to bars, clubs or cruise the Internet. Volunteer at the local AIDS hospice; help out at a support hotline; join a gay football/baseball/basketball team; join any gay club (Square dance is my personal preference!)

Basically, cruising bars will simply put you in the company of people who are looking for quick sex, not lasting commitment.

You might also contact your local branch of PFLAG - they generally have resource information available.