Married men and women please?

Question

I was wondering what you do when you get into arguments? How do you resolve problems with each other? How do you stay calm during arguments? How do you get your point across to your partner without sounding rude or judgemental? I have been having problems with my husband, they are not huge issues, but we have a hard time communicating. We will go to councelling but would like that to be a last resort, or at least try some things before. How do you communicate in a positive way with your partner?

Answer 1

My husband and I went through a communications class called Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). In the class we learned the speaker/listener technique. It's so hard to be a listener though cause when your spouse is telling you what's bothering them usually you're on defense so they gave everyone a card. The person who is holding the card has the floor and it's their time to speak. There are rules though:

Rules for the Speaker:
-Speak for yourself, don't mindread! (say what you think and feel, not what your partner thinks and feels)
-Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on. (It's hard for the listener to stay focused when you're going on and on about everything)
-Stop to let the listener paraphrase.

Rules for the Listener:
-Paraphrase what you hear. (So, what you're saying is...)
-Focus on the speaker's message. Don't rebut (This is the hardest for me)

Rules for Both:
-The Speaker has the floor.
-Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
-Share the floor

The most important thing is to cover one topic at a time. Come up with some ground rules, such as when an argument is escalating call a time out (but where there's a time out there has to be a time in). Remember this is problem-discussion not problem-solution. The best thing for a couple to do to solve a problem is to brainstorm together. Hope this helps, if you need any more information feel free to e-mail me!

Answer 2

My hubby & I had a really bad argument a couple years ago and we both said things that we both regretted. It almost ruined our relationship. It was after that fight that we came up with "rules" for aguing.

1. We try to only argue about the subject at hand. No bringing in old arguments or issues that we haven't bothered to tell each other.
2. Don't hit below the belt. Name calling and insulting each other is not necessary, no matter how angry we get.
3. Try to take a deep breath before responding to any accusations. Sometimes the few seconds give us enough time to be a little less reactionary.
4. Never try to resolve the issue while emotions are heightend. Hubby & I both recognize that in order to resolve the issue, it's important to try and be somewhat logical and be able to think clearly.
5. As best we can we try to actively listen to each other and allow each other to make our full point, in other words, we try not to interrupt each other.

Many times, we just need to get away from each other to clear our heads before getting back together to try and talk rationally about the issue.

My hubby & I work very hard on communicating, even through arguments. We came up with these rules and it is working so far. All our recent arguments have all resulted in us taking positive steps in furthing our relationship.

Answer 3

My fiance and I are practically already married and are haveing the same communication problems. We are finally finding a solution to our problem. Instead of pointing fingers try using things like this "When this happens I feel like this" Use feeling words and avoid yelling when possible. It just adds fuel to the fire and usually results in more problems. We recently started sitting down and talking without interrupting each other. Don't be objective but try to put yourself in the others shoes. I don't know what problems you are having but listening, sypathizing, and understanding are the three most important keys to communicating in a healthy way. Just be patient with one another and if you are having a arguement and it's impossible to stay calm, then you both go cool down and use the techniques above to sit down and talk like civilized adults. Where there is love there is hope. I may not have all the answers but what you want from him when you sit down and have a grown up conversation, you should give back. Good luck and I hope you take this to heart and really work at it.

Answer 4

i think the best way to get everything off of your chest is to sit down with your husband and talk one at a time - when he is talking (even if you don't agree) let him finish. When he's done then its your turn and you can address your concerns or issues. Its hard to stay calm during an argument especially when you feel like you are right - thats why you should just talk one at a time. people have many different ways to communicate if this doesn't work for you then try something else until you find what suites you. if nothing works - counseling may be best. good luck!

Answer 5

I'm young, 25 and I married my husband when I was 18. I've been married for almost 7 yrs. We have had many arguments, went to couple counseling.. and it didnt work for US. It may work for you.. but we have been through alot!! And our past would be brought up in these sessions.. and it hurts but we decided not to go that way. I see someone now because I still have to vent, and he gives me advise on how to deal with my husband. Ive learned and I'm the kinda person that wants it to be MY way and I want to have the last word. I had to do some growing up and I figured that I want to be happy, and with my husband. Sometimes it just takes you to just let him have it.. what I mean by that is just to let him go on.. he will eventually stop.. and then you have to and you may not want to but you have to let sometime to cool off.. If you do feel the need to argue, use I or Me.. and never you this and you that. Dont waive your finger in his face.. that will get him even more heated. See this is more for you.. U just have to learn to control yourself, set limits.. when he starts yelling while your talking then that should be an indicator that you should both cool off and try to find a way to stop and then occupy yourself with something so that way you guys can cool. To get your point across show him if you can by doing it physically but before you do this ask him how he would do it.. then suggest that you feel this is the better way. See if he agrees, if he doesnt then ask him if he maybe knows a different way to where you both can come to a decision. Just dont tell him that he's being a certain way just tell him how you feel, how the situation is making you feel. You both have to just learn to take turns, try to understand each other.. Believe me take some of this.. my relationship has gone so bad at times, where divorce has been threatened 4 times with some action.. But we both know that we love each other, too much to just end it now.. we gone through so much as well.. thats true love. I hope i helped you out some. OH YEA!! I do this as well.. when we're cooling off and he's in the room and i go to the computer when he's not around and i just explain to him how he just made me feel and that i love him still.. Tell him how you feel.. he'll read later dont tell him you emailed him though let him find it out.. see if he comes to you later and tells you he's sorry if he hurt your feelings.. by then you guys are loving each other again..

Answer 6

I have been married to my second husband for 4yrs.He and I have a great relationship.I think it is because we are also best friends.We have arguments,yes,and sometimes they are mostly over being stressed out over other issues.Like children...parents...employees..Usually our stress is not caused by each other,just tends to make us ill with each other.OOK...We try to be understanding.If we know the other is upset,we make it a point to ask.."Are you angry at ME? Or am I catching someone else's crap??"Then we talk about what the real problem is.And if we have hurt the other because we were upset about something else..We Appologize.It sometimes takes alot of patience.Sometimes the outside world can wreak havoc on what is actually a Great Marriage.Make time for each other.Even if you two have to be selfish by going somewhere that yall can shut out the rest of the world.That is what it takes sometimes.You stated that you two are willing to go to counseling...Well,that tells me that yall REALLY want this to work...I believe it will.Just hang in there.And ALWAYS make your marriage your top priority.Good Luck! Take Care..(of each other) God Bless!

Answer 7

Just sit down one day and give each other a chance to get everything out. Everyone has arrguments, especially in their first 2 years. Because you are still getting to know each other. But once you have been married for along time you start to know what each other feels and will feel about everything without haveing to diccuss it with them. So arguments then become alot less. Just hang in their and try to bring up good things about the both of you when time seem like they are getting rough.

Answer 8

Stay calm first of all. When you get heated the argument does also. Being calm will allow the both of you to talk and get your points across and come to an conclusion. You can even let him talk first and when he finish say "ok, can I speak now, you said what you had to say." Just remember to stay calm. When its over, kiss him on the jaw or something to assure him everything is ok, it was only a disagreement. It can be hard but it worth it because all the arguring can threaten the marriage. Good luck.

Answer 9

We have had to learn how to fight nice, if that makes sense....We have learned how to give each other the respect in having our own opinion... that's hard because all of us want each other to see things our way... but we are different and do not always think the same... For some reason we need our voices heard whether we are right or wrong....We have tried by giving each other the consideration that ourselves expect in return and it seems to work.... sometimes it's also best to discuss the problem when you cool down, then you can talk civil and think more clear.... Face it, it takes two to want to work out a relationship, so both have to give , not just one.....

Answer 10

I have been married for 12 years. My suggestion would be not to try and get your point across when your angry. People say and do things they dont mean when they get very angry. I think it is better left until kids go to bed, or later on that day or evening when both have had a chance to settle down to talk it out. People dont hear you or even themselves when they are all worked up. When my husband makes me really mad or upset this is what I say " I know this is something that you and I need to sit down and talk about, but right now I am very angry and need a little while to cool off and think about what just happened here"