do you like this, rate it please?

Question

Steady murmurs come from the TV.
Anxiety nibbles away at patience.
Nervous twists and squirms.
Desperate housewives spellbound by romance novels.
Wishing it was them wrapped in the arms of an exotic chap.
Steady ticks echo from the clock, counting the minutes away.
As the ‘Oldies’ chatter away about their exhilarating retired lives.
The distant nasal call of a doctor rings through-out the room.
All color drains from my face as I am finally I’m called.
Suddenly the rhythmic sounds of the room shatter with a deafening scream coming from the operation room.
Urgently I’m led down a sterile white-washed hall.
ER personnel are on their haunches ready to launch at any given moment.
For what, I do not know.
Frantic yells ring through the walls.
Bringing new meaning to ‘if walls could talk‘.
All at once I find myself overcome with thought.
Who these shouts belong to?
Why are they here?
And am I next to join?
-------
how should i improve, water it down or does it give

this is actually a summer english assignment.
im only a teen so i dont have that much experience.

Answer 1

I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.

Improvements:

1. Title (like maybe - Morphed (or drugged) in the ER)
2. It seems to want to continue the story ... since the questions are hanging with no resolution. It would be more dramatic when you answer the last three questions you have hanging.

Answer 2

I love it! Just change one thing....

"All color drains drom my face, when I am finally called"

or

"All color drains from my face, when finally I am called. "

Although I dont like either one of these lines. I am seeing someone who is very badly injured, and a little foggy/ blurry, and not all that clear on their surroundings. This is lethargy, and in an ER, the person might be seen sooner if they are lethargic, especially if they are "urgently leading you down a hall"...
So I would change the finally to a more sudden thing, like it shocked you... And be a little less clear on what you are seeing, like say "a white robed person, calling my name from afar"

I would also end it with "A dizzy feeling takes over me.
All light is lost, and darkness envelopes me"

Its a great death poem, if thats what it is. I dont know if its about death or ER anxiety, but I hope my input was helpful.

Answer 3

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give it a 7! I do not think you need to water it down.

Answer 4

OK so far....I guess you are in a waiting room and then you get called...so far its good....but if the shouts suddenly turn morbid and you start to detail bloody operations and stuff like that, then I won´t like it anymore......
so what´s going to go on in the ER room?

Answer 5

This is a nice piece of contemporary writing. Leave it alone; it works fine!

Answer 6

I like it,i cant write at all.I dont think it needs improving what is it for or just you.

Answer 7

i give 5

Answer 8

? is it exactly?????????
Rating-2 To match the 2 pts. I just got for answering this ?

Answer 9

FROM 0 TO 0
I WILL GIVE IT A ZERO