I'm married but I had an affair, Its been over a year. How do I gain trust again?

Question

A year ago my husband found out I had been having an affair. The affair had only been going on for about 4 months before he found out. When he found out I stopped seeing the other guy. I have had no contact with him in over a year. I have been faithful since then, that was the first and only affair. My husband and I wanted to work things out, but even after a year he still has no trust in me. If i'm not home when he thinks I should be he gets suspicious. If i'm tired and dont want to have sex, he thinks its because im cheating on him or because i want to be with someone else. How can I get him to see that I only want to be with him and that the affair was a mistake and I'm truly sorry for the mistake I made and it will never happen again. HELP me. I dont know what to do to make our marriage better.

Answer 1

I have to agree with Sassy. Your husband is finding it hard to trust you again and he may need to talk his feelings out with an objective other party. And counseling couldn't hurt, although he may come to realize that he's better off without you.

Answer 2

Wanting to forgive you and being ABLE to forgive you are two totally different things.

Your husband is discovering a truth about himself--that despite his best intentions his trust in you is gone. The damage is done and perhaps irreversible. Maybe therapy will help, but my guess is that you have to accept the fact that you have lost his trust forever and thus your marriage will never be the same, even if you remain together. It's like a death really. You carry on, but you are broken. Perhaps after many, many years you can start to salvage what remains of your marriage.

That is what affairs do. It's sad becasue some people really do love each other but by the time they figure it all out it's too little too late.

Answer 3

First, you have to know that you are forgiven. Then appreciate that your husband has forgiven you and still wants to make it work. It is very hard for someone to trust you after they violated the trust that was already there. You will have to listen to what he's asking from you. Gaining the trust back means proving it. If you're home late and he has no clue where you are that's not showing him trust. He has no choice but to be suspicious of you, so until you can prove that you will really be faithful, he's not going to trust you. Your'e going to have to put some work into this, you can't just say I'm sorry and expect the trust to come back. Give it time, it's not going to be easy but it's possible for both of you to recover.

Answer 4

First of all, men are not like women. Women can forgive much easier and faster than a man ever could. But with men, once they have given there mind, body and soul to a woman and that trust is violated, they will take a lot longer to trust again. I would suggest you start treating your husband like you did when you where dating, add passion and spice to your love life; it had worked for me, even when I had to psyche myself into it, it also helped that I had purchase some relationship enhancement aids. Even if your exhausted from a long stressful day, and can barely think, take a few minutes to show him, not tell him, how much you still love and adore him. It will take some time, but the trust will return.

Answer 5

1st of all u hav to understand the amount of emotional and psychological pain ur husband is going through. U should tolerate his attitude because he is not happy either.
2nd. u didn't explain y u had the affair? is it because u were unsatisfied with ur husband or is it becoz u still have an inner desire to meet new people?
Whatever ur motives were when u cheated on ur husband, u have to be completely honest about them (it is hard I know) and don't give up until ur partner accepts to listen to ur point of view (this is very hard, believe me i know)because it will open the door of discussion over so many problems in ur relationship, life, insecurity, etc.
after this hard step is over, u should move to a constructive step, where both of u agree that u want and decide to continue the marriage. When this point is agreed on, both of u should start communicating how you expect to be treated and what behaviour annoys u.
finally, don't feel guilty for what u did, instead focus ur efforts to heal ur husband becoz he really needs that, and try to understand what u want from him .
good luck, this is not an easy trip

Answer 6

My husband thought I kissed another guy 4 years ago in our 1st month of dating and he still has problems with it. I did no such thing but even if I did he shouldn't have had a problem with it it was the 1st month! Anyway, I told him if he didn't trust me then he shouldn't be with me. It is totally his decision to be with me or not. I told him that he will have to trust me b/c I am going to go out to dinner with my friends and I have to go to work, there are going to be times where he will just have to trust me. Tell him that he either has to get over it or leave, b/c you don't want to have to live with him fighting over where you were and not believing you. although I'm not condoning your cheating, but you stayed with him, so he should at least try. When your with him and other people make sure to praise him out loud so he know that you love him and that you love making love to just him. Good luck.

Answer 7

Trust is a rare commodity in under the best of circumstances. Your affair will continue to be a sore spot for your husband for a long time. The only way to rebuild trust is time and communication. Tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels. Try to understand that as much as it hurts you to not be trusted; it hurt him more to be cheated on. Be patient and let his wounds heal at his own rate. Be there for him and be aware that you did a terrible thing. Allow forgiveness and trust to return as slowly as is needed. I wish you all the best.

Answer 8

basically because he says that's all sexual would not make slightly huge difference, that's nevertheless dishonest. And for him to be so callous about it, like you're making a mountain out of a molehill, is irresponsible on his section. call the different lady and tell her to come back get his issues considering the fact that she needs him so badly. tell her both cheaters deserve one yet another considering the fact that they have a minimum of that in immediately ahead. It extremely hurts at the same time as the single which you want has betrayed you want that. not purely once, yet two times with a similar lady. undergo in innovations, that's not about you, that's all about him and what ever void he's attempting to fill with yet another vagina.

Answer 9

You need to find out the reason you were having the affair in the first place. There was something missing in your marriage that you felt you needed to get somewhere else. To convince him it will never happen again, you need to convince him that the conditions which led to the affair have been permanently removed. If you don't get rid of the root, the plant will grow back.

Answer 10

I did the same thing but for me it was a one time thing. My husband is easy going so all he did was ask why I did it, go talk to the guy, and came back home after that he was over it. Of course I still feel bad about it. For some guys it just takes some time.

Answer 11

The fact that you're both willing to make things work is great! Earning trust back is hard and takes a long time, and it CANNOT BE DONE WITHOUT A THERAPIST.

Please go to marriage counselling. The therapist will be able to coach you on how to earn trust, but also coach your husband on how to trust again. You can try all you want to earn it back, but it won't do you any good if your husband doesn't want to give it.

Good luck!