What if my husband refuses counsling?

Question

My husband and I have had many problems. I asked a question the other day, most people said "go to counsling" Well last night, I was trying to talk to him about going. He flat out said that he wasn't going. He says we can fix our problems ourself. It turned into a big fight. However, he never wants to talk about them. He's always running out with his friends, in the middle of a movie, playing his game or doing something for an excuse not to talk about it. How can we fix our problems if he doesn't want to talk about them. I asked him if he'd rather see us split up or go to counsling. He said he wasn't going to counsling. I slept in another room. I did stand up for myself and didn't cower down like normal. But I'm feeling a sense of neglect. It seems I never matter to him. My feelings, problems, nothing. I told him that I was thinkin about leaving. Was it wrong of me? Why should I stay if he doesn't want to try to fix our problems? I'm not sure what to do..any advice???

Answer 1

Amanda, it sounds like you have done everything possible to make your marriage work. You can't no matter how much you want to, you can't fix things by yourself. I went back and read your other question. Seems to be this relationship has had more bad times then good. When is enough-enough. You have alot of love to give someone, and you don't deserve to go thru life not feeling that. Your husband has got to work on this marriage. What did he say when you thought about leaving? If he didn't say anything that makes you wonder doesn't it. Being a wife and a new mother is very stressful. It's not easy, and you being so young doesn't help either. You have a whole lot living ahead of you, do want to spend all that time with this guy? You can't make him do anything, and you should have to! He's under alot of stress too, but he's got to grow up and be a man. You should be first in his life, just like you are putting him first. There should be nothing more important than you, he can't fix your problems by playing his game, or watching movies! A good healthy marriage is two people who are willing to do whatever needs to be done to make it work. So, if doesn't seem to care, you don't need him! Go home! I have a 21 year old daughter, and I would want her to come home if she was going thru with. She always could home back if her husband changed, but everyone deserves to be treated with love and concern. You definetly need some support. You go home, and go to counseling by yourself. I don't like divorce, but sweetie, sometimes it a neccessary evil. Please as a mother of a young woman, don't take this...till he wants to talk, and work on things-he's only to hurt you more. I think that it's time to move on. Please call your family, and tell them what's going on, and have them come get you and your precious daughter. My heart is breaking...I just called my little girl, she's a newlywed, and I made her promise me that she would come home if was happening to her! I am going to dry my tears, and you do the same and make that call.....I will be praying for you and I even him too. Maybe this is what he needs a wake call, but if not--you and your daughter have a lot of love to give someone and there plently of good men out there just wanting for you to give it to them! God bless us all!

Answer 2

I also think that you need to go to counseling on your own. No matter what your husband thinks of the idea, if he can see that you are so upset that you'd consider leaving if he won't go with you, he should have agreed to try it.
I am sorry, but I don't think he really cares much about you at all. That is remarkably selfish and thoughtless behavior on his part. As far as this being "just the way men are", that is also why the divorce rate is so high--men think they don't have to work at marriage, and they are wrong. A counselor can help you with your options, with your self-esteem, which is probably not good, after living with your husband, and maybe even with how to get your husband to show up for some counseling as well. Whatever you do, don't back down on this. If he won't go, then go alone. Counseling will change you, so be prepared for him to get angry when you don't take the same garbage from him that you used to.

Answer 3

I understand where you are coming from completely. A husband and wife will always have disagreements. My ex-wife and I had the same situation. We would argue all the time, and never worked anything out. She would stay out, literally all night long, and try to say that she was too drunk to drive. I always told her, I was home, you could have called, but she preferred to stay at the house the party was at. She was very distant from me all the time.

Be honest with yourself first. You need to be happy, you need to focus on you and make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. If your husband doesn't want to work on things you can't force him. You can only help someone so much, he is the only one that can change himself. It sounds like he doesn't care.

I know even thinking about divorce is hard, trust me I know. My divorce was the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I kept trying to think if I tried everything I could have, in the end she didn't want to help me fix things. I decided it was a lost cause.

Here is what you need to do. Do you have a friend that is a lawyer, or know anyone that is? This will cost you a little bit of money, but in the long run what is a couple hundred bucks for your happiness. Have a lawyer draw up a divorce papers. Tell the lawyer you don't want to file right away, you just want to show your husband that you are serious. Make sure the lawyer will follow through if you decide to, and will also alter the docuements for you. I know this will be hard, but you need to make him know you are serious. If he doesn't respond by agreeing to consuling, then you need to follow through with the divorce and make your self happy. Make sure you allow for childrens needs and well being if there are any involved.

Things will work out. I am currently married to a wonderful woman and couldn't imagine being any happier. Good luck and be happy.

Answer 4

You need to do something that will spark his interest. He is not paying attention to you and that is what you want right? Don't do the things that you normally do around the house. Stop making dinner and act like you are to busy, go out with friends or family. Anything that will make him realize that he needs you there and he will have to talk about it if something is going to be fixed. Otherwise if he still doesn't respond you tried everything you could. You asked for counseling and he doesn't want to hear it. Either that or he was just scared that you would want that. If you think you have tried everything then it is time to leave.

Answer 5

He obviously doesnt see what a big deal this is to you and aparently doesnt care enough about your feelings or your marriage to get the professional advice that is so needed. There are some things that 2 people cant get through by themselves. Sometimes it does wonders to have a 3rd person help out and sort out the problems. I dont think it was wrong of you to tell him you thought about leaving he needs to know how serious you are about this. dont feel guilty. you need to say and do what you think is right dont hold back to spare his feelings because then you would only be hurting yours. Since he is flat out refusing to go to counseling then I advise that you go yourself to atleast get off your chest what you need to. The counselor could even advise you on whats best for you in your situation.

Answer 6

The best thing to do in any relationship is what you would advise your daughter or best friend to do.

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In a relationship one person's problem is both people's problem, but now you have two. In addition to whatever your original issues were... you are also a victim of emotional abuse/neglect. If you are trapped in your feelings or thoughts in a relationship your spirit is smothered. Your wings are clipped. Your freedom to be yourself is diminished. Think about getting counseling for yourself. What you learn for you may help you cope with the situation.

Telling him that you're thinking about leaving is ineffective unless you're packing your bags to go away while you mull it over. Sleeping in another room may seem like serious action to you, but to him it may just seem like you are acting out

I believe you, like most women, see a problem with the way things are and want to correct/change it. Men have a resistance to change. In therapy, you will learn his lack of desire to work on the problems is out of fear, insecurity, or vulnerability. He may think that you feel he's the reason for the issues. He may be reliving something from his childhood between his parents.

Whatever the case is, you getting help FOR YOURSELF will help you see clearly enough that you can make a more informed decision for your situation. Perhaps, with your personal/internal transformation he will be interested in talking (even if he doesn't jump up to go with you).

Answer 7

You need to go to counseling by yourself and figure out why you are staying in this relationship. Once you figure out what is wrong with you, you can decide if you want this kind of bickering relationship for the rest of your life. Someone who constantly states that they should leave is not happy with themselves and with the person they are with. I hope you eventually realize that there are better ways to live and find happiness with someone who respects you as a person and your feelings. Life is too short to be constantly arguing all the time, get out there and find a life that you will enjoy!!

Answer 8

If he doesn't want to go, you can't force him. BUT...YOU can go to counseling alone. That will help you deal with the problem and find some sense of control in this situation. You may discover something new about yourself. Don't deprive yourself of a good, wholesome life just because he doesn't care about your relationship. It could be that you are not meant to be together. So...do yourself a favor for a change and go alone. God Bless.

Answer 9

Your husband sound very stubborn. Obviously, there is a communication problem between the two of you. You should tell him to find a way to solve the problems since he is aware of them. Also, you might want to put your feelings/ problems/ concerns on a letter and give it to him to read and tell him get back to you when he’s ready. That might also help open up the communication barrier.

FYI: there is no need to blackmail your husband about leaving unless you want out.

Answer 10

The best advice is that YOU should go to counseling and recommend to him that HE go to his own chosen counselor and then if U decide to go to marriage counseling u can choose one together. If he refuses to work on your problems then some day unfortunately u may have to make a difficult decision. Good luck to you and I hope things go well for you.