I am happilly married and have been for 7 years. 9 years ago I was briefly engaged (after a year's releationship) to a girl who broke it off leaving me devastated.
Recently coincidence got me back in touch with the ex and we got talking, forgave each other, and are now good friends. She is also friends with other friends of my wife and I in that city so this was not a problem until she asked as to visit her for a weekend. My wife said fine so I accepted but:
I spent all of last night rowing with my wife - who has changed her mind over it. She apparently doesn't trust her not to try it on with me. I've told her there is no possibility of this, and that I could get her to tell her the same, but to no avail.
Now, obviously, I would have nothing come between me and my wife, but I also cannot hurt a friend of mine who is currently at quite a low ebb having just escaped an abusive marriage by telling her a woman she's never met before doesn't like her.
Any good advice wanted.
2006-08-10 00:19:13 · 20 answers · asked by a1mandrake 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
In answer to various follow-ups: Yes my wife is invited - we are both invited socially to stay with her (and step children) for a weekend with our various friends in that town - her now included. (Obviously I wouldn't dream of attempting to meet with this girl alone because I would never be able to convince my wife of innocence afterwards).
I have suggested that we stay with another friend/in a hotel instead but my wife tells me that if this girl is to met at all then it is still a - quote - "massive problem for me."
I am not trying to prop up my ex - she is more than capable of doing that for herself, nor am I "comming running" - the ostensive reason for the invite was actually because a friend of ours who is also a friend of hers wants to have a drink with me, and she offered to put us up in a normal human manner.
2006-08-10 00:49:45 · update #1
You must understand that even though your ex is now a friend, it is still inappropriate for you to have such a close relationship with her, given your history with her. It is bordering on intimacy and it IS encroaching on you and your wife's relationship. You have to respect your wife's feelings about this. I would probably feel the same way if I was in her situation. Your wife knows your history with your ex and probably feels threatened by it, even though it's now on a platonic level. Furthermore, you can tell your wife that nothing can come between you and her until you're blue in the face but having a woman this close, whether she's your ex or a co-worker, IS inappropriate! Sorry I can't give you a better answer. As a woman and a wife, this is just my opinion.
P.S... is there any reason why your wife can't come along with you?
2006-08-10 00:48:18 · answer #1 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 9⤊ 0⤋
How could you be so naive.
The fact that you were engaged to this other women is a VERY GOOD REASON not to get too close with her.
You should not have met & spoken in the first place... that was the first wrong move that you made. Being a wife myself... I would not approve of that. And your wife is not worth losing over a friendship with your ex.
That's what she is... your ex. The past. The way it should be. If your wife is not happy with it, then this friendship shouldn't continue any longer. Your ex. & her problems are not your responsibility... and they shouldn't be.
Women know. Your ex. is hurt, emotional & vulnerable... she will look for support from you, and will definitely make a move on you.
You should be ashamed of yourself for expecting your wife to be in a situation like that. If your looking for a possible break-up with your wife then go ahead... force her into an uncomfortable & emotional situation.
Just like men can tell what other men are up to, so can women. You better not go.
2006-08-10 00:51:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Fact is , you also want to spend some quality time with your ex , any way go ahead , but make sure do not try to tell everything to your wife , no showing off , better learn to change the topic about your ex in front of your wife . Once wrong message enter in her mind you will not be able to handle or make her understand your stand that you just want to help your ex as a normal human , nobody will buy this statement . So keep you wife away from ex's shadow , if really interested to make your ex happy .
2006-08-10 00:38:01 · answer #3 · answered by your noon 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You say you want nothing to get between you and your wife - believe me when I say that your ex will! I appreciate the fact that you have a special bond with your ex and that you care very much for her and are concerned for her well-being but as you yourself said, she has other friends who are just as capable of looking after her as you are. You may in fact ultimately do her more damage by being to supportive as she sounds like she is vulnerable at the moment and may look at you romantically again if you show her too much kindness. Your wife is probably reacting slightly irrationally (as we women have a tendency to do) however, you must respect her feelings and understand that for whatever reason, she feels uncomfortbale with the situtaation. Your wife has stood by you for so many years, it is time to show her how much you appreciate that support and gently cut your ex off to avoid upsetting your wife any further (trying to make your wife see things logically will not help - will only make her angrier). Last thing - do not tell your ex you are distancing yourself from her because your wife is upset - she will make it her mission to get you back! Just make it clear you are unavailable when she needs you. Good luck!
2006-08-10 00:49:56 · answer #4 · answered by Gemini 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This woman left you feeling devastated right? and your wife is the one who has stuck by you right? So now this ''ex'' is at a low ebb, she wants your support? come on mate get a hold of yourself, stick by your wife and do not have contact with this woman, it is not good for your relationship with your wife, she is not being paranoid, if she doesnt trust your ex, there is something not to be trusted. She may also be angry that you would want to be close with a woman who hurt you so much (not to mention the fact that if your ex never broke it off would you be married to your wife now?) Please support your wife sir, she is not the one who has let you down. Think about if the shoe was on the other foot...............
2006-08-10 00:29:32 · answer #5 · answered by Kelly D 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should accept the invite to visit ... but stay in a hotel? You should reassure your wife she has nothing to worry about because if anything "underhand" was going to happen, you'd have visited her in the week under the pretence of a "business trip" or something. Obviously your ex wouldn't try to seduce you when your wife was there anyway - would she?
2006-08-10 00:47:06 · answer #6 · answered by Marinersfan 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should be a distant friend to your ex. I know so many people who have had something happen between them (not on purpose) but they started to develop feelings for each other. When you are there for someone emotionally, it can be very easy to fall into something more, especially if you've already been there and done that. I keep in contact with most of my exes (platonically, as friends) but they always know if I'm talking to someone new because I get distant, they couldn't ever compete with my new love and I wouldn't put my new love in that position, because that is unfair.
2006-08-10 00:44:48 · answer #7 · answered by caramel_angelkiss 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
All i can say is take it easy with ur wife. obviously she feels threatened by this woman and you need to understand it could take a while for her to be comfortable with the situation. If my partener suggested this to me i would do the same as ur wife. Suggest to ur wife a drink with this other woman so they can meet. Just an hr or 2 one night. A weekend will be a long time to ur wife to spend with someone, especially when it's ur ex!
2006-08-10 00:36:09 · answer #8 · answered by L G 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You are not nice to your wife. I can tell , your wife are now so hurt. You said to her and everybody that woman is ex and friend now. what does this friend will tell everybody about herself and you. what will your wife answer to everybody " who is this friend of your husband?" You and your ex are now happy on your wife 's heart. And seem dont care what your wife 's feeling. If this friend is real friend , she should happy to see "friend's family" not to be inside friend's family. You should know your role and your friend 's role. You should have happy life with your wife. Your ex should have her own life. You said to us that she is ex and goo friend now and what is the next?? that is the thing that your wife worry. I am sure you dont know or dont want to know. Stop hurting your wife. she doesnot do mistake or error but you and your ex begin to grow relationship again. You are so stupid and never know when ex become devil!!
2006-08-10 03:16:46 · answer #9 · answered by boathouse 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide who you want more in your life. your wife or your ex. Your wife is protecting your family unit. forget about trying to hold up your ex, she needs to learn to stand on her own too feet and she will come out of this a stronger person. your number one priority is your marriage and making your wife happy and your family not someone you were only with for a year.
2006-08-10 00:38:40 · answer #10 · answered by Sweet_Miss_Toni 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋