What can I do to keep my mother in law at bay. Her nasty comments and judgmental attitude are too much!?

Question

We recently took her on vacation( her family reunion) with us, the trouble started when she questioned every turn my husband made and she would not let us see the map...but when asked what exit to take or what town was next on the map...she replied "I DONT KNOW...ask your wife." When we finally arrived at the resort site where the family reunion was held...she introduced me as this is Jenn...she is Dutch. UHG...I was born in the us along with the three generations before me. Then she told them she doesnt think she will ever make a bohemian out of me. UHG! The Kicker is this...she made fun of me ...starting with my hair ...the whole time. She hates my hair up...I look far too fat with it down. and the best of all....this is the real mean part...she tells everyone...Im "unable to reproduce". I usually avoid her on a daily basis...screen calls and all. We even found her going through our house one time, she reads our mail (sometimes before we do),I have confronted her 3 times in 7years.

Answer 1

"What can I do to keep my mother in law at bay. .Her nasty comments and judgmental attitude are too much! "

(all my answers are copyrighed. so, no copies without prior written permission from me - [e-mail])


First, there's a very simple, quick solution to your problem if you choose to take it.

Purchase and read the book called, "THE FOUR AGREEMENTS" by Miguel Ruiz .

(one of the agreements is that you take nothing PERSONALLY!.)

You are angry at your mother-in-law because you are taking all of her remarks personally. If you could remember or learn to take NOTHING personally, then you will no longer have anger at her EVEN if she continues to be nasty.

2. When we are around people that are always negative and nasty, it makes us feel unpleasant and unhappy too. So, the best solution is to spend less time with your mother in law and MORE time with people who make you smile.

3. Tell her in plain English (or whatever language that she does understand)that when she talks nasty she is hurting your feelings and that you'd like her to stop doing that right away.

4. Repeat what she says to you -even in public --so she hears what she sounds like and that might stop her. For example, when she says, "YOUR hair looks so ugly"... say to her, "Your hair looks so ugly" - or say "my hair looks so ugly? . Im thinking that saying either of those two things to her --repeating what she says to you , even in front of other people, might make her be quiet. After all , no one likes everything they say be repeated. AND, only do this when she's being negative and nasty.

5. Take your father in law aside (if he is still alive) and ask him to speak with her and ask her to stop being judgmental and negative.

6. TELL her that she'll be seeing less and less of YOUR WHOLE FAMILY if she continues to be nasty and judgmental.

7. Just stay away from her always...give yourself a break. You can always go back to seeing her later on in that year if she stops being judgmental and nasty.

8. Listen to Dr. JOy Brown on the radio, call up and ask her solution to your problem. IF the solution sounds right to you, then do it. IF the solutions sounds wrong to you, forget it and start over here at number 1 .

Have a peaceful day, and a wonderful weekend!

Answer 2

Well for me it's the opposite. I can't get my in-laws involved. I mean I've been married for seven years and have five-year old son. Well my in-laws didn't know we were married until about year after the fact. However, back to your question. I think you should just focus on your marriage, I mean as long as your husband is supportive I think you should voice your feelings to you mother-in-law. I think you should let her know that if she doesn't start to respect you and your marriage then she's not going to be able to be a part of your life. I mean there is no reason that you should be made to uncomfortable or dis-respected. You're married to your husband not his mother and make her realize that.

Answer 3

Your Husband needs to stand up for you and tell her it will not be tolerated any longer that if she doesn't respects you that she need not come around. I had problems with my mother in law when me and my husband first got together and while i was pregnant with our twins she had me in tears every other day. Finally I discussed it with my husband and he had a talk with her and of course she came over while he was at work and blamed me. She said that I am taking him away from his family and that they are all he has and how does that make me feel. I calmly told her that she is the one pushing him away and that if she continued to harass me that it would be her undoing. After the twins were 2 months old she apologized and we have been starting to get close. It was hard to do at first but I am glad my man stuck up for me and I think it was a way to let her know that he really loved me. In a way if your husband doesn't stand up to her she feels that you are not good enough. That's how I seen things in my situation.

Answer 4

Be very firm and rude with her. Tell her this is your house and if she wants to be a guest in it she can refrain from her callous remarks or she can leave.

Tell you you don't appreciate the comments she has made about you. I don't know why you don't just blast her publicly when she says these things. I would have just said "am I the only one who finds my mother in law's comments rude and repugnant?"

You don't need to take that **** from anyone...if your hubby doesn't like it you can send him packing with mommy too. What an ignoramus she is...I'm sure others know and just don't say anything but why should you sit and fume over it? I have a friend who for 10 years still takes that **** from her MIL....come on ladies...command some respect!!!!!

Answer 5

While you and hubby are in a snuggling mood, invite mama in and show her just how good you take care of her little baby, if your husband has let his mother interfere to the point that you have to ask us what to do, your problem is not with your mama-n-law, it is specifically with your hubby mamas boy. Tell him to either spend the rest of his nights getting it from momma or HE needs to tell his mamma to get OUT OF YOUR LIVES and respect the woman HE married or there will be hell to pay in the sacred bedroom tonight and ALL other nights until she backs off. I would even TELL HIM TO MAKE and I repeat MAKE his mother give you a sincere " I'm SORRY", If your hubby can't do that then he has not done like the Bible said where it says a man and a woman must LEAVE their mother and father to join with their partner and become ONE! Get it, ONE, meaning separate from the mother and father. That's not to say you totally leave them, you just join with your husband or wife and live as ONE with them!

Answer 6

Your husband needs to grow a spine and deal with her and stick up for you, he's probably been bullied by this woman his whole life though, that doesn't make it any better for you. I'd certainly NOT take anymore trips with her, change the locks and if that doesn't do it then just give it right back to her, as good as you get, THAT has probably never happened to her before. She probably won't change her ways at this late date but you can have some fun taking jabs at her along the way. Good luck!

Answer 7

Wow!, I can definitely relate. I suggest that you avoid her at all cost. Be nice to her when your are around, but remember in laws can be come outlaws. You have your own home, stay in it, let you kids visit, but I would suggest you stay away. She has had years of being nasty, and you want to keep your relationship with your husband, so if y=he is not doing anything about it, (which probably makes you angry) stay away, and she will not have the opportunity to make you feel bad. Trust me, I am in a similar situation.

Answer 8

My mother in laws a ***** too!!! best advice i can give is tell her off and hold nothing back, it may take a while to build up a good relationship after that but trust me if you put her in her place it will really help you live happier in the long run, and if she DOESNT reconscile w/you and never speaks to you again....well who said that was necisarilly a bad thing=)

Answer 9

I feel for you. My MIL decided on a whim last year to leave husband number three and drive 5 states to come live with us for a while. It lasted all of 10 days before she left in a giant huff. She was absolutely unbearable, but I bit my tongue and let my husband deal with her and her issues. I deal with my family's wierd stuff, he deals with his family's wierd stuff.

The best thing to do is to talk with your husband about how her behavior and comments make you feel. I know it's difficult, especially when your feelings are hurt, but try to keep accusations to a minimum and just focus on how this is affecting your own self-esteem and sense of well-being. Your job right now is to get hubby firmly planted right by your side and to present a united front to Mommy Dearest.

Don't confront her anymore. It's not doing any good and it shouldn't be your job. It's your husband's job to not only deal with his family, but to defend you, his wife, from any and all attacks. Even those coming from supposedly friendly sources.

Here's what you need to do:

-Change the locks to your house and mail box. The woman has NO business either going through your house or READING YOUR MAIL.

-Enlist your husband in this. It's his family and he needs to pony up here and set the ground rules for Mommy. She has no boundries and the situation desperatly calls for some.

-Stick to the rules that are laid down. Don't let Mommy wraggle her way into blurring the boundaries again.

-Call her on her crap when she makes hurtful or odd comments in front of groups of people. She's passive/aggressive and the only way to deal with p/a people is to meet them head-on and in front of others. That way they can't backpeddle...or if they do, its obvious and blatant enough for everyone to know the score.

-When she comments on your reproductive issues, ask her a HIGHLY personal and inappropriate question. When she makes a comment about how it's none of your business, you can counter that your and your husband's reproductive health is also none of hers. It's a bit childish, but it's the only way to deal with someone who refuses to see the way their comments affect those around them.

Or you can do what we've done. Move 2,000 miles away. =)

Good luck and I hope the situation drastically improves. No one should be subjected to that type of public humiliation.

Answer 10

The real question is what does your husband do to step in and protect your marriage from her obviously vicious tongue? A man has got to cut the apron strings to make his own family work. Is this marriage genuine, or is it lacking in other areas too? Your man ain't standing up for you, dear! Sounds like you deserve better. That is, if you work on your self-esteem enough to think so for yourself! Good luck to you.