I think I'm scared of myself.?

Question

So I have been out of the closet for six years but I am still not comfortable with being gay. I have been on one date in the past three years and I have absolutely no gay friends. I used to date alot in high school (guys) but now it just seems so hard...I'm not comfortable in gay bars and I'm not comfotable dating off-line.

I was just wondering if anyone has had this problem of...I guess it would be called self-homophobia and what they did to get over it? I'm not unattractive or anti-social and I make friends really easily but I still can't seem to find people to date.....any suggestions?

the loser known as
Drew

Also...I am gay...I have always been attracted to me and not really ever to women.....

Answer 1

Drew, lots of people are not into the bar scenes, there are other places to meet people. Sounds like you have standards for the man you want to date and have not found him in the vendues you mention. Involve yoursel in activities you really love around people who you enjoy being around. Maybe you will meet someone you have things in common with. It sounds like you are not into the stereotypes often attributed to gay men. I would guess there are many gay men and lesbians who feel this way. Perhaps what you are concerned about homophobic behaviors, images and stigma that people have. It might help to talk to a therapist so you can get grounded and first of all define and accept who you are. It is important to be okay with yourself before you seek a relationship with someone else. Good luck.

Answer 2

Hey Drew,
I am older than you and not comfortable being gay, either. But, it's not you, it's your environment. The city that I grew up in was pretty liberal, and everyone was open-minded, I moved into a rural conservative town, and have been unhappy ever since. With that in mind, keep working at your current job, but you could be looking on the computer for a job in a bigger city. It doesn't have to be across the country, but bigger cities have more things to do besides going to a bar.
If that's out of the question, get yourself some pen pals... that's easy enough to do on the computer. Go on a vacation to some other town...see what's going on in the rest of the world. I looked in your profile and see that you are a chef... so was I, and I did have my own restaurant. I loved it, but also hated it.... that's another story... you can write to me if you want... anyway, you are not a loser! Look at how many things you do have going for you... your employed, with hopes and dreams... you probably have a nice home, and friends(even though they aren't gay), plenty to eat, probably a car... and on and on. There are a lot of people that don't have those things. You'll meet the right person, but in it's own time. If you rush it, it won't be right, so just sit back and wait for Mr. Right to find you.... Good Luck....

Answer 3

I know exactly how you feel, because I feel the same way a lot. I know I'm gay but I'm not comfortable with it and not yet willing to discuss it with anyone in my life. I think it's because my parents have such high hopes for me that I feel I may disappoint them, and that I do not "act" gay in any way so when I do finally "come out" I know people will probably be a little shocked. I think it may be more of a confidence issue..I am not very confident and I know it's because I'm insecure about a lot of things in my life. From when I was a little kid my parents were putting the idea in my head that I would grow up and meet a nice girl and make grandkids for them and I think that I started to believe that I would actually do that even after I realized I was gay. I guess my problem was I always thought that being gay would go away and it's not, it's here to stay and it's a part of who I am. I can't wait to sort all this out. Once I get through all this in my head I will begin to be more honest with the people in my life.

Answer 4

First of all, you're not a looser. Second of all, why are you being so hard on yourself?

I think part of the problem is that you have incredibly high standards. Normally, this wouldn't be a negative trait, but sometimes it's hard to meet someone's standards if they reach the moon. Could that be part of the issue? I have a friend who hasn't had a date in oh, 7 or 8 years. When anyone tries to get close to her, she backpedals and finds some reason that they don't match her criteria for a boyfriend.

If that isn't the case for you, maybe it's the reverse. Maybe you are being so hard on yourself that you just can't see being worthy enough to have a boyfriend. That's so not true!

Part of finding a partner is to complete the rest of your life. Your partner is not supposed to be the reason you are happy or confident or content. They add to that. Maybe the reason you haven't found someone to date is because you haven't found all the ways to complete your own life.

I don't want to make this sound mean, but i've been there, and I feel what you are going through. I suggest you start journaling and trying to make connections in your life. For example: If you meet someone you like, and yet the dating thing doesn't happen...what is going on in your life emotionally, mentally, spiritually? Try and make the connection and then you might find a pattern that you could work with.

Best of luck! *

Answer 5

Sounds more like a confidence issue then anything else...
The only way to build up confidence or to get over a fear is to face it.. start slow... you mentioned online dating... you may look for guys closer to your area.. chat online a while... then when you feel ready meet at a coffee bar or something... thats a good way to break the ice... gay.com has tons and tons of gay guys from all over the place... and you are able search for folks within a chosen number of miles from your home zip code...
You'll be able to look at their profile more the likely view a picture..
the subscription fee for the personals area ( which gives you the ability to contact these guys directly) I dont think is that bad considering the average price on personals sites these days.
I think thats your best bet if you really are put off by the idea of going into gay bars or events and such... 2 or 3 drinks at a club and your monthly subscription is paid for LOL... worth it... If I was looking for a "SO" Id be in the same position as you... and that would most likely be the route Id take...

good luck

Answer 6

You're absolutely not a loser . You just didn't find the right person yet. A loser would be one that would have any boyfriend no matter what (out of love). I used to be in gay bars but never found love there. The love of my life I finally found at work from all places, and I used to think she was straight lol . Give it time, I'm sure you'll find the right one for you ! Good Luck and take care Drew !

Answer 7

I didnt have the dis-pleasure of coming out until I was 19. I was in the grips of a horrible depression and I was convinced there was only one way out. I had a date set and gave away all my cash. My mom caught wind and made me promise I wouldnt do it but I would only agree to 2 weeks. She drove me to a gay and lesbian meeting downtown and there I met the cutest gay couple I had ever seen. They had been together for over a year and what blew me away was that they were only 17. I would have given anything just to hold hands with a boy when I was 17 or 18 or even 19. But that had never happened to me becaue I was scared of myself and hid from what life was trying to give me. I decided that if I blew my head off, then coming out was just a waste of mental torment and I would never have the chance to hold hands with a boy. I realised then too that life is too god damned short to be hung up on social fo paws or whateverthefuck. Who cares if im fat...or cant dance or if I dress funny. I love me and you should love you too. No one can take that away unless you let them. The money and the cars and the hot boyfriends will follow your self confidence like a hungry pig. I wish I was 16 again so I could blow off my fears and make out with a hot boy and hold his hand at the movies or talk to him on the phone. One day you will wish you were 22 again and regret all the missed movies and hand holdin you could have had.
You are your own worst enemy. You can start fixing things by stop calling your self a looser. Just pretend you are really 38 and you have been given this opportunity to do it over again. Get off your A SS! The time is now.

Answer 8

Drew, Never be ashamed of who you really are. Don't worry so much about your lifestyle. Just go with the flow and be yourself. I have never been on a date with a man. I'm ok with that. Some things we must accept. Sometimes when we get older, it seems to get harder to meet up with other men or dates. It's almost like young is in, but not with me. I love a man that is masculine and mature and responsible, and mentally stable with no drug or achol addictions. Even though I'm alone all the time, I will never get desparate. Never let the other head direct you into something you will regret later on. Always use good judgement and be wise and always listen to that little voice when it warns you about danger and common since helps also. Do you really need a partner in order to live or live on? It would be nice to have a great man to share your life along with great memories with and to laugh and cry with, with no shame. Now, What was your question? Just kiddin. You will be fine. Please do not let it get the best of you. It could drive you crazy if you let it. Do not let it take your smile away, one that you could give to someone and make their day with. Your NO loser Drew. Keep a chin up and smile. Good luck...

Answer 9

Drew

I have been out for quite a few years. Even had what I thought was THE relationship. I am older than you and totally open. BUT, I have the same problem. Getting sex is fairly easy, getting a decent date seems impossible. There just seem so much less opportuinities to meet the right guy. (I do not like clubs etc)

MY PLAN is to join gay groups that participates in activities that I like (e.g. walking, birding ect), and hopefully meet someone. All of the best buddy.

Answer 10

self hatred. Gee I can't imagine why with our own country just loving us so much... Get out there and contact the gay center gay clubs, PFLAG, school/college gay orgs, etc. You wil find people who have gotten past that. And guess what... when you hang around positive gay people, the attitude rubs off on you. Get out there and make some new friends. Don't concern yourself with the dating aspect. Find clubs that do activities you're interested in. Go get a life. Be happy!