My wife no longer seems to care?

Question

My wife and I have 3 kids. We have been married for 7 years and together for 15. I was a bit wild for most of the relationship. Never cheating, after the marriage, but I was always out with the boys. When I saw my wife couldn't deal with it any more I calmed down. Perhaps alittle late. It seems she no longer wants anything to do with me. We have had sex only 3 times in 2 years and dont even sleep in the same room. We went to counseling only after I had to set it up alone. The counselor would tell me week after week to be patient with my wife. I got very fustrated and stopped going. I love my children very much and do not want to miss a moment of their lives, but I would also like a relationship with someone who loves me. I dont know what to do.

Answer 1

Everyone does need someone to love them! Including your wife. My husband did exactly what you did, and I am trying to still deal with the all the heartache he caused. It gets to a point you put a shield of iron around your heart, because that is the only way you can get through the day. My husband didn't seek counseling, I wished he had of, I think that is wonderful of you. Your wife might have gotten to point of beyond caring. She may have given up, and it's over. I certainly hope not. I am going to tell you what I wish my husband would do..I don't know if it will help, but if he did them-things would be so much better. Date her, romance her, don't try to get in bed, court her..make sure you tell her that you love her, hug her, kiss her, get a babysitter and take her to dinner and for a night on the town. On Sunday afternoon, take her to the movies. Just you and her! Who moved out of the bedroom, if it was you, move back in...today. Ask her if you can just hold her, cuddle...Talk to her, I sat my husband down, told we had to talk like adults, no yelling or getting up and walking off...and I told him things had to change or we weren't going to make it...Tell her you are sorry for taking her for granted, and you are willing to do anything to have a happy marriage, but she's got to do her part! Ask her what she needs from you, what you can do to make her happy, then tell her what you need for her to do....She's so use to doing without you, she might not even realize she's not including you in her life, I had to learn do things on my own, because my husband wasn't never around when I needed him, now he's trying to be part of my life again, I sometimes forget to ask for his help, So she maybe she's doing what I do. This is not going to fixed over night, and I certainly hope that my suggestions help, because they would with me. We are better, not fixed, but better.
Now, the hard part..if she is passed the love, you may have to move on...You can still be part of the kids lives even if you and your wife divorce. That will be your decision to make the effort to go to the ballgames, plays, and stopping by every afternoon, and taking them for the weekends. Maybe you would have custody.
You have a lot of work ahead of you, but she has to work too! And you are going to have ask her if she even wants too...I pray that she does...I am sorry the counseling didn't work out for you, I would try a different counseler, and she needs to go with you. If she's not willing, honey, there's nothing else you can do. If it comes down to your leaving, you will know in your heart of hearts that you have done everything you can to make it work!
Start tonight, get a babysitter for the kids, call her and ask her for a date...tell what time you will be picking her up. Tell you are ready to settle down and be a full time husband and father. That doesn't mean that you still can't go out with the boys, but make it one night a week, and make time for her, spend time with her even if it's over a glass of coke in the evening, My husband is always going somewhere, and where am I at home with the kids, I don't mind the going so much but "hey what about me" so take her with sometimes....don't leave home, let her go out with the girls some, you babysit the kids and let her go some...more importantly you need time together. I am rambling and I am so sorry, I just wished my husband would ask, what you are. You have got some making up to do, and I hope and pray that you serious because it's not going to be easy, but think of the reward if you succeed. I will praying for you, I think you got what it takes to win this war, and the strength to move on with your life if it doesn't. Make that call....ask her for a date....God bless us all............

Answer 2

Sounds like the relationship is over---but before you throw in the towel and maybe regret it later---try talking heart to heart with her---maybe a different counselor---5-10 years from now you don't want to be asking yourself "what if?" only move on once you are sure you've tried everything---but- if it is over---then it's over---don't hang on thinking things will get better---don't do that to yourself or your children---If you're not happy --they won't be either--Life is too short to not be with someone you want to be with----If it ends up in divorce--make sure you learn something from your mistakes---that is what is important---ask yourself some hard questions about what went wrong and maybe what you could do different to keep and maintain a happy and healthy relationship the next time -but-whatever you do don't keep the marriage together for your children---they will know you're not happy---they will know you're not sleeping in the same bed together--another words you're not setting a very good example of what a loving and happy marriage is---follow your heart ---it's almost always right---good luck

Answer 3

I thnk that it is great that you do not want to miss a moment of your kids life but if she does not care at all there is not much you can do. Sometimes kids are better off with mom and dad divorced since they will not see so many fights.
Try one more thing before you give up, ask the in-laws or your parents to take the kids for the weekend and surprise her with a minivacation. have many things planned for her. If you live in the hometown where you met start off your evening with a date where you went on your first date. Write a nice poem a frame it for her with rose petals around the border, hire someone to sing her a song, (even a mariachi), have roses waiting for her and godiva chocolates, go on a horse carriage ride. These are just a few things that my husband has done for me in the past to be romantic. You can even fly to a nearby city for very little money, just search for flights online. Good Luck, and if all fails and you decide it is over Always remind your children that you love them dearly and that none of what is happening or will happen is thier fault.

Answer 4

Have you ever talk to her and find out what makes her piss off about you? You need to find out what are the main reasons so that both you and her can find solutions.

Counselling is not the best solution as they do not know what are your real problems between you and your wife. You need to make effort of finding out what went wrong. Otherwise, your marriage will be losing love spark and without it, there is no meaning of the marriage.

Of course, you had a fantasy of building up a relationship with someone who really care and love you, but that is just a fantasy which you only crave in your mind. There is nothing wrong for you to have a short fantasy but please make efforts to solve your present problems with wife because as long this problem does not solve, you will never be happier than before. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Well John sounds like you didn't mess this relationship up overnight and it certainly won't heal that fast either. I think that counsellor gave you good sound advice when he suggested that you give your wife some time and be patient. Perhaps you need to re-think your stance on counselling should return there as relationship doesn't sound very happy for either of you. And if necessary you may need to seek out a sex therapist for additional help. Communication in any relationship is number one. Try having a mature civil conversation with your wife, one where you can both explain to each other what each feels is needed to improve things. Be honest and don't get resentful with what she may throw your way. Best of luck to you and your wife in resolving these differences.

Answer 6

Was the marital therapist you went to see a clinical psychologist? The reason I say that is because they are the best...they can help to diagnose if something more is going on like depression. It sounds like you may need to either switch therapists( they all have their own style...my husband and I have been to two) or you need to go back to the other therapist and work harder on being patient( sorry, lol..know you are sick of hearing that). He/She probably wanted you to be patient because your actions have helped to cause her distance...not being home a lot and all..she grew to resent you. I don't mean that in a mean way at all. My whole point is that her distance may be the consequence of your actions. Being patient is your only option if you want the marriage to work when you really think about it. You can't expect to fix something quickly that has been dwindling for a long time. Like I say though..the therapist the two of you picked just might not have been the right one. I know that in therapy we all have a tendency to feel picked on..it's not always easy. In the long run it pays off though. Take it from someone who knows..good luck!

Answer 7

I have been married for 20 years now we met in high school. the last 7 have been much better than the first part. First I would like to praise you for getting counciling that was a very big step on your part. like you I have some very bad times behind me, but some good times also. Marriage is like a bank account you have to have the right amount of deposits and withdraws. I call things like cleaning house, flowers, etc deposits. and being an a*&& a withdraw.
Tomorrow clean up the house, all of it. make a very nice dinner, and pull you matress out into the front room in front of the tv. rent a few chick flicks the "abyss" is good or sleepless in seatlle, or even some black and white movies on turner classic movies. make some popcorn or maybe some munchies like chocolate.
camp out, veg out, and enjoy the company. you are not allowed to talk about the relationship, work, kids, the car, money or bills.
you are not allowed to have sex with her. but you can hold her hand, rub her feet, shave her legs (you have to get a bowl of hot water for this and do it right there in the living room) a massage is nice also. the object here is to pamper her. light some candles.
Now at some point you are going to talk to her, I need you to look her in the eyes and tell her that you know you have put her thru allot and you appreciate her standing beside you for all these years. You know it musnt have been easy. But I want you to know there is better days ahead and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I can be a better husband for you and we can grow old together.
I have loved you since the first day i laid eyes on you, and like the finest wine you have only gotten better.
If your marriage is just about over, the only thing that can save it at this point is to tell her there is something missing in your relationship (at this point she is going to think you are going to say sex) but you need to say while you are holding her hand, baby, can we go to church together? because just one lifetime just isnt enough to spend with you. and I have been driving this relationship, and I need to let go of the wheel and let someone stronger than I take over, becuase I have really messed things up.
You will need to follow thru. because you do not want to divorce. it will wreck you , her and tear apart your children. so fight a good fight. the best sex you ever had will come naturally and soon.
good luck to you.

Answer 8

i Am sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like your wife has "outgrown" the romantic, sexual desires, with you,
sometimes a woman can just lose sexual interest, because the romance has been gone,, believe me, emotional stimulation,
is harder to get back sometimes than sexual stimulation


I do believe with all my heart that if you really want the marriage, love, and happy tiimes you once had, you ned to do an all lout campaign,, i mean that, go to any extreeme to romance her, "court her" not just one night, but a series of nights and days, as if she were the only and most beautiful woman alive,
be patient
tell her your intentions..learn poetry
even if you think you are making an *** of yourself, do it anyway.
buy her another love ring,
propose to her at the supermarket
use your imagination,,
make her laugh
make a video, tellling lher how much you love her and why
and that you are sorry you are a late bloomer, but you are forever,,
have the video delivered too her with flowers,
do all you can, involve your friends and family in this campaign..

be patient.

if she still does not want to try , or won't
make sure she is not ill or depressed..
and then only then move on
but not without a good fight,
because, if not now ,, then WHEN.?
GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

This sure isn't the place for a long counseling session but I wonder - is there any chance that the two of you could get away without the kids? No sex, no pressure, just learning to like each other and maybe rekindle what you originally saw in each other. It sounds like you need to be friends again before you can be lovers.

Answer 10

It seems alot of times men pay attention once they know it has gotten to the point the woman doesn't care. The problem is that once a woman gets to that point (which usually takes a long time), it is hard to feel the same. By you not listening and caring while you were doing what you wanted.....the way for her to get by was to gradually let you out of her life to quit hurting. You have no idea how maddening it is when your man comes around once he feels it's too late. This is something she is going to have to talk with you about and sit down and discuss where your marriage is going.

Answer 11

Well honestly if you have exhausted all the resources you have a decsion to make. Is a relationship important enough to deal with all the disruption and pain caused by a divorce. I don't know your spouse only you know how she would deal with a divorce. Hopefully for her kids sake she would make it as easy as possible for everyone involved. I stayed for my son for fifteen years.. Was it right to throw away that many years of happiness. We didn't fight throw things it was just a dormant relationship. But life's to short not to be happy. Hard decsion to make. Good luck hope things work out for you.