Racking my brain - please help!!?

Question

I've been married over 12 years and we have a beautiful three year old daughter. I will admit right away that my marriage is strained for a variety of reasons. Due to recent strain, she has told me several times that she has brought up topic of divorce.

I have become very close to an ex co-worker of mine. She is married also. Have known her for over 4 yrs and we have kept in touch. We have a strictly platonic relationship, I enjoy her company and we have a great time together. We have both gone out of our way to stay in touch with one another. She is lot of the things that I have always looked for in a woman. Do I tell her that I have feelings for her or do I keep it to myself? I have told myself that it is worth the risk of losing her as a friend to possibly be something more. Or do I bite my tongue. I don't want to wait 5-10 yrs to tell my ex co-worker how I feel about her.

Thank you in advance for your response

Answer 1

Well, I seriously doubt you are going to like my answer here, lol..but that's okay. I have to be honest. I would suggest that you give yourself a big pat on the back for not taking your relationship to something sexual and would encourage you to try to fix what you have at home. I'm not saying you haven't tried..or that your wife hasn't, but have you really exhausted every possible effort to make your marriage better? I once thought that my husband and I wouldn't make it...but we went to marital therapy..things got better, and we DID make it. We are stronger than ever now and I NEVER thought I would say that..was sure things wouldn't work out. We have two children and I wanted to make sure I had done everything before I through in the towel. I'm so glad I did. Clinical psychologists are the best marital therapists because they can help determine if there is anything underlying..like depression, etc.

What you are having is an emotional affair. I am not judging you...please don't take me wrong. Emotional affairs aren't good for marriage. The worst thing I think that could come from one would be always comparing your partner with the other woman. Oh, so and so would never do that to me...but don't forget that you have never lived with this other woman and things are new and exciting just like when you first met your wife...she too will get you angry...just make sure you don't put her on a pedestal.

So, lol..in answer to your question...no, I wouldn't tell your friend anything about how you are feeling. In fact, I would distance myself from her...this is just causing more problems in your marriage..because deep down inside you aren't giving your marriage your all because you are so focused on your friend. No matter what your wife is doing to hurt the relationship....you need to own up to what you are doing too.

The person you need to talk to here is your wife. Try to rekindle what you have with her...exhaust every effort for your child and for your marriage. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear...but you have a child together and you are still married. Too many people make the choice to take it that one step further...do the right thing. Good luck to you!

Answer 2

This is not a good time to mention something like that to a married woman, even if you do have feelings for her.

1) You are not ready for a relationship until your marriage is over and done.

2) You should wait at least a year before getting into another serious relationship. You have a lot of issues to deal with. Why did your marriage fail? What could you have done to make it work? How can you be sure it won't happen again? Get all of these questions straight in your head before getting involved with anyone.

3) She's married for crying out loud. Don't take a chance on destroying some one else's marriage just because you are looking around. You need to get your own issues settled, then look for a single woman to fulfill your other needs.

Answer 3

Hi,
First, how would you feel if your wife had a male friend and that she enjoys his company, along with the great fun that she has when they are together?
Also, this man has some qualities that she has always looked for in a man.
Lastly we have been doing this while at work for over 4 years.
I hope you would be jealous and upset with her.What qualities does your wife have that you admire? There have to be some !!!!Plus, hopefully you where attracted to her before marriage....or you wouldn't have married her unless
you'll got pregnant with your daughter and got married for that reason...
Secondly, she has suggested divorce????What are her reasons? I feel she has picked up on your affair (it is an affair, you are talking and flirting with
another woman for years and it doesn't matter if you didn't sleep together. it is still wrong! Even carrying on the internet with a woman is wrong unless your spouse knows......
Third. you have a beautiful daughter with this woman. Is this friend the reason your marriage is strained( woman know when there man is flirting and messing with another woman)? if so..please tell me me why..so i can help give you better advice....Talk to your wife in a quiet enviroment(maybe have your daughter stay at her grandparents for the night)and talk all your problems through( have alist of questions, and concerns on hand so..you do not leave any thing unresolved)and see if you can save your marriage. Go back and think back to why you fell in love with her in the first place.Peopl in todays society move to fast to divorce. If...you'll hash it out and decide to gove your marriage the 100% it deserves than you will have to say goodbye to your female friend(ask to be transferred to amother department,move to another seat, avoid her) Tell your friend why you are breaking off your friendship and ask her to respect your feelings because your family comes first.if ..your wife doesn't know,i would be honest and tell her before she finds out. (she will if not today or tomorrow or next year and when she does,you may loose her....
Last, If your wife says it is over,after weighing the pros and cons,get a divorce. Your daughter will be fine,kids are resiliant. You just have to have a fair amount of time with her......Also i would wait til my divorce is over before i start a relationship.Please keep in mind once a cheater, always a cheater. Can you trust this woman(especially if se is married also...or maybe ,she is single and has done this before. Think about it, if you get together she may flirt with another man,can you trust her or can she trust you because you are just as guilty ( I know it would always be in the back of my mine especially ifhe was late or his schedule changed drastically...)
Honesty is the best way,because the truth will come out.(what if it came out during the divorce? this would give your wife aminition saying you where having an affair. You will pay more alimony and child support, and loose alot more. But if you where honest ,yea she will be mad,but, the pay back won't be as harsh.Woman are more vandictive than men. She is the birthmother and unless you are rich, she will get custody of your daughter and probally make it hard to see her.....Please,don't discuss what you are planning to do with your "friend" until it is resolved with your wife.The less she knows at this point is obvious.
I feel you still have feelings for your wife. Please weigh the pros and cons of this situation and see which one means more,Good luck! Also, I am a child psychologist that works with parents and children prior to divorce to help try and save the family.....need help you can always e-mail me!!!

Answer 4

Marriage is strained, blah, blah blah...
Look, first of all, you are married, second of all she is married. If you really want to pursue this, wait till she gets divorced, get divorced and then pursue it.

Adultery never works out. Think about your options. You cheat, your wife and you get separated with bad blood, your kid will suffer...and who knows, maybe you find out you really love her, but then what, what if she never gets divorced, maybe she's into you but would never leave her husband, for a variety of reasons. Then, where does that leave you?

Another scenario, what if you tell her, you cheat on your wife with her for a while, then realize that this was just a fantasy, that you got it over with, now you don't care about her anymore, your wife finds out, and you are left again with nothing.

Your best bet is become your ex-coworkers confidant and find out where her marriage lies. If she's thinking on divorce and why and all that stuff. If she does end up divorced, be her bag of tears or celebrate with her. If you decide on divorce as well, be each others comfort and see where it goes.

Answer 5

Could your marriage be strained because of your feeling for this other woman???? It's so easy to look elsewhere when things are not going your way and there seems like there is no way out. I would give my marriage one last effort with all I had because I'm sure you both love that lil girl. She should be your main focus right now. The other woman could be happy in her marriage and you wouldn't want to damage that just because you are unhappy!

Answer 6

For now bite your tongue and take your vows seriously, you and the wife. Truly try to make it work and then if all else fails, then do the steps before any other move, just because maybe your marriage isn't working the way you want it too doesn't mean hers is not. If it is meant for the two of you to be together then it will happen.

Answer 7

I think you should just stay friends with her. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't stay in touch with her. You have been married for over 12 years. You need to work on what's wrong in your relationship first before trying to move on to another one. You won't be messing with just one married and family. You will be messing with two.

Answer 8

How do you think telling ger will affect your cuurent marital stautus? I think you ought to be sure of one relationship before you go trying to develop another. Is it possible that your hardship with your marriage is forcing you to develop feelings for her making you think that you have feelings for another when all you need is a friend to help you through this rough time. In my opinion you should let her know that you have more than friendly feelings for her,but that you want them to be mutual before you proceed. i hope this has helped you in some way.

Answer 9

don't do anything unless you're willing to leave your wife. it's not fair to her to do anything before then. she's given you 12 years of her life and you should either tell her how you feel about your ex co-worker or do nothing. i strongly believe that there is no reason to ever cheat on someone.

Answer 10

You should work hard to stay in your current marriage. Don't fool around until after you are divorced. It will look bad to your child.