Son wants to know his loser father?

Question

The father of my 12 year old son has not been around for 11 years. I opted out of child support so he wouldn't know where we live. My son has been asking questions, wanting to see him. I have always been honest with him. His dad tried to shoot me years ago, has been in jail, stalked me etc. I have spent the past 11 years hoping that he never shows up on my door step. I did find him (public records) getting divorced,restraining order against him, hasn't changed. I can't allow him to know where we live let alone to re-enter my son's life but still my son wants to know who his father really is. People tell him constantly that he looks just like his father (and he does) so he is naturally curious. In a way he sees his fathers actions as a reflection on himself. He is the only good thing that man ever did. If I tell him the truth he will be very disappointed but I can't tell him anything different. I did find an aunt who said she would send pictures but she never did. What now?

Answer 1

I feel sorry for the situation you and your son are in. You seem like a responsible parent who is trying to do the right thing. You are right...it seems like the only good thing he did was provide 1/2 of the genetic material for your son!

To me...I have always told my friends/family when they have a child they need to let the child find out that their parent is a degenerate and not hear about it from you or else they will blame you. In all those circumstances it has never involved so much abuse and physical violence though.

I think I would personally tell your son (at this age) that his father is not the type of person you would feel comfortable allowing him to see. I wouldn't go into COMPLETE, gory details with him but enough so that he understands he is not a safe person to be around for you OR your son. Then when he is older and can make his own decisions you can tell him where he can be located and leave it at your son's discretion if he wants to find him and have a relationship with him.

You just have to walk a fine line...if you shoot down your son's hopes of what he believes his father to be (in which you would be ENTIRELY justified given his father's behavior) your son may be mad at you and NOT his father. I wouldn't talk about his father in words that you would say to adult friends (I'm sure you already know this). Explain to him that you are doing this because YOUR job is to protect him as his parent and YOUR job is to make sure he is safe from harm and you think that by him meeting his father you won't be doing a good job as his parent who loves him very much.

Good luck and just remember that your son needs to learn on his own what kind of a man his father is...in this case it won't take him long. My thoughts are with you!!

Answer 2

Tell him the truth. Tell him that it does not reflect on him, tell him he's awesome and that you made the choices you did to protect both of you from this man. Tell him that being the father doesn't make someone a good person and tell him that what he would get from this man is NOT what he is looking for, tell him that grown ups are sometimes just bad people and they only hurt the people that try to love them and you think he deserves better than that. I understand people thinking this is wrong but your job as a parent is to protect your child, this man will do nothing but damage and put you in danger, no quicker way to screw him up than to have him meet a horrible person like this and let him get his heartbroken.

Perhaps sign him up for a big brother program this type of situation is exactly what they exist for and are full of men who want to fill that void for kids just like your son! He could have a great male figure to hang out with and look up to, after all thats what he is really looking for not someone who had sex with his mother. You can give him what he needs AND keep the both of you safe at the same time! You did the right thing and he'll be ok, I'm sure you will see to it! You sound like a great mom, have faith in that and the great job you are doing with your son. Good luck!

Answer 3

You really are going to have to tell your son the truth about his father. It's just too dangerous for the both of you for him to know where you are. Telling your son the truth would be better than trying to make something up to satisfy him for a short time. You may want to get a therapist involved when you do tell him so this does not affect him in a bad way. Just make sure you empathize that just because he is his fathers son, that it does NOT mean that he will do the things his father has done. Tell him that his dad made bad choices in life and this is why his life is the way it is. Good luck and bless.

Answer 4

The child does has the right to know about his dad and to see him. As far as a meeting, I would contact the dad first from a pay phone and tell him his son would like to meet him. See what his reactions are. If they are not met well then tell your son that you tried to contact him but he wasn't available. And if he wants to meet him, go to a public place and stay with them. Even if you are off to the side stay close. I wouldn't tell him the truth just yet, he is still a little to young and even though he has done bad things to his "wives" he hasn't done anything bad to him, other then the obvious ( not being in his life)...good luck

Answer 5

I know you are in a difficult situation. But I think your son is old enough to understand the horror and torment this man put you through.I would start by telling him everything about the relationship you and his father had,then let him make up his own mind as to whether he still wants to know this man.also has his father attempted to see him? If he has not,explain to him that he may not want to see his son,and you don't want to see him hurt.But I am a mother with 3 kids,my oldest 2 their father's both passed away and I would give anything just to have them here so my kids did know their daddy but at the same time,their father's were not abusive.Just do what is right by your son.

Answer 6

You know what baby, you can't run forever. Try getting a restraining order against your x (it should be easy for you to get especially if you can show proof to the court of his bad. violent temper). Chances are a judge won't allow him near your son and if he does, it will have to be supervised visitation. But regardless, son has the right to meet his real dad. Just explain to your son why you and his father seperated (the violence, stalking etc...) and hope he understands from there. Good luck babe.

Answer 7

As safety might be an issue, I would not advise letting the father get
in touch with him vise versa. Perhaps you can find some old school
records, pictures etc. Try again to get the Aunt to send some pictures or provide some imformation. As far as the actions of his father, he will learn the truth one day..The Question is how will he learn it. It can come from someone who cares and loves him or
someone who doesn't. which would you rather.

Answer 8

In your situation seeing that he is dangerous you have no choice but to tell your son what he did. Kids can take a lot more than we give them credit for. Let him know that his father's action are no reflection on him. Also let him know that you are afraid of him and that you don't want him around where he can possibly hurt the both of you. Think of your and his safety first. Good luck.

Answer 9

While I would NEVER let that jerk be alone with your son, you have no right to tell your son that he can't meet his own father. Perhaps if you got a few male family members or friends to go with you for your comfort and met his dad at a restraunt. You can all have a meal together, your son gets to meet his dad, you have support with you and when the meal is over, the ordeal is done. Can you start with that and see if that satisfies his curiousity?

Answer 10

Just be patient with your son, he will assimilate the fact of growing up with out a father, yet, tell him that if his dad would be interested in knowing him (meeting him) he should have done something to be a better person, then he would be able to have a relationship father-son.
We can not have everything in life.