Here's the situation: My husband and I have been married for 22 months, and he has decided that he can't be my husband anymore. He says that he still loves me and always will but we just hasn't felt "married" to me anymore. We have been going through a very rough period in our relationship. He had been working until late and I'd been working early in the morning, we haven't had time to talk or do anything else, really, for about 3-4 months now. And then he decided that the way to fix it was to end our relationship. I think it's way too early to be thinking about divorce, when it hasn't even been 2 years since we got married. And I want to convince him that if he loves me, and I love him, that should be all that matters, and we can use this situation to reverse things in our lives and help our relationship evolve. All he says is that he doesn't know what to do. How can I make him believe in us? Have faith? Try?
2006-08-09 10:30:34 · 22 answers · asked by Nina E 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have been married for 25 years. When we got married, I was 18 and he was 26. We have a 17 year old daughter now. You do the math. Anyway... Marriage is the hardest job I have ever had. It is something that you have to work at constantly. Both of you do. The problem with marriage these days is that people go into it with the opinion that if it doesn't work, we'll just get a divorce.
Discuss with him everything you asked us. See if he is willing to try to turn it around or to see a marriage counselor. A counselor could help the two of you figure some way to spend more time together.
Otherwise, try "dating" each other again. Make a certain time at least once a week that you go out. You don't really have to spend money. You can go to a park and swing. You can go window shopping at the mall. You need to spend "quality" time together.
My husband used to come home from work at 11:00 pm and he'd cook steaks on the grill. I'd fix the salads and we'd eat supper at midnight. Even in the winter in the snow, he'd cook on the porch.
If he truly loves you, you may be able to convince him to stick with it and try new things to keep it going. I agree that it is too early to just give up if there is still love.
2006-08-09 10:49:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
22 months? He's giving up too soon. What does he mean by "not feeling married" to you? What does he want out of the marriage to feel "married'? Why is it that whenever a couple goes through a rough patch, the solution is always to take the easy way out (divorce)? Why don't you both try working on your marriage first before giving up too soon. You need to spend more time with each other. You said so yourself that you're both working long hours and opposite schedules. Gee, I wonder. You both need to invest more time together. A marriage needs to be maintained just like everything else in life. Try the best you can to work things out. Give it time. If you both exhausted every means to make things work and it still goes downhill, only then you should call it quits.
2006-08-09 10:57:59 · answer #2 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to feel married when you don't see each other. My husband and I were in the same situation but now we both work the same hours and get to see each other, we remember that we got together because we love each other and not because you can get someone else to do laundry every once in a while. I would recommend that neither of you make any decisions until you spend more time with each other. Take a walk, watch a movie together, talk, but what you need is time. The early years are the hardest and trust me, it does get better if both of you try. Good luck, sweetie!
2006-08-09 11:03:43 · answer #3 · answered by skygirl_21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't, a marriage is a lifetime committment and you can only guilt someone in to staying somewhere they don't want to be for so long. Besides why would you want to??? The only thing you are accomplishing is keeping each other from finding a relationship that does suit their needs. That love is all that matters thing is a fairy tale, you aren't living in wonderland so its time for a reality check. When someone says they want to go you let them, you don't really have any other choice not in the long run. Would you rather end it now or after you have wasted 10 or 15 years just to end up in the same place anyway? He doesn't want to be married and thats that so unless you plan to chain him in the basement accept it gracefully and maintain some self respect. Maybe if he actually leaves he'll then figure out that leaving really isn't what he wanted but short of that you aren't going to change his mind.
2006-08-09 10:40:14 · answer #4 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage says for better and for worse. It's a vow. I hate to put this against you, but this is what the institute is all about.
Why should you give up on eachother?
You are just teaching eachother the lessons you need to learn.
If you will not teach eachother then someone else will do.
So why split?
If you as big mirrors for eachother are to intense, look into it, with yourself. There is so much help available.
You are loved and supported. A person who feels loved and supported is capable of doing incredible things...
Now time/jobwise there is a split. There is no situation in life for which you can't design a system
Could you encourage eachother to express your most intimate feelings to eachother verbally for 10 minutes a day. To maintain your intimacy. This is crucial to emotional maintanace in your relationship. So start to tease play enjoy hate, love, and above all be lovers agian for eachother in those 10 crucial minutes.
You have committed to master your own lives together. So if you don't love eachother there is still the obligation to help eachother out and look if you can make your love blossom again.
I admire you!
2006-08-09 10:51:44 · answer #5 · answered by franslaimbock 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter what, you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Sounds like he has given up on the marriage real quick. That's a shame, cause marriage can be good if your with the right person. But.... it's not easy. Marriage is a lot of work no matter what. You both have to be in agreement to work on it each and every day. If you not in agreement, then 90% of the time, it doesn't work out. Just tell him how you feel, if he still disagrees, then he just doesn't want to put anything into the marriage. Sorry.
2006-08-09 10:38:51 · answer #6 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well,I know thats got to hurt your heart-him saying that. But if I were you,I would talk to him ,let him know how i feel.Just because you don't get to spend much time together,dosen't mean that you can't be together. If it's only been about 2 years,then you would think he would want to put some more effort into it. I think these days,people get divorced a lot because they think if their not happy,they can just go get divorced.Instead of pushing through the rough times,like they used to do,back in the days.Maybe he's just not happy. Maybe you just need some space to think about what yall both want. There's no point in being together if your both not happy. Life is too short-try to be happy. GOOD LUCK-whatever happens- I belive time heals all things.=)
2006-08-09 10:57:40 · answer #7 · answered by sexygal8321 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation is typical in young relationships when they are starting out. Maybe the answer is to really decided what is important in the relationship - work (money) or the relationship. Another solution might be to have a date night once a week were you both spend quality time together. Or you might try taking walks together and just talking during the walk.
2006-08-09 10:37:56 · answer #8 · answered by middle aged and love it 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry to learn of your situation. I am in a similar situation, my wife of a little over 2 years has decided that our relationship is beyond repair. I have tried so many times over the last two weeks, that is when she moved out with our 20month old, to tell her that counseling would help. However, she has made up her mind. My only hope is that over time she will miss us, and decide to work on the relationship again. Otherwise I can't change her mind, she has to. I truly hope your relationship can be repaired. It is too soon to quit. I hope it works out for you.
2006-08-09 14:08:53 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth is that you cannot make him try. All you can do is ask and maybe beg just a little if it important enough to you.
I think you make an appointment with a marriage counselor at a time when you know he can go. Then, tell him when it his and ask him to be there.
If he shows, do everything you can to start working on the relationship. If he doesn't, you can move on with a clear conscience.
BTW, I agree with you that it is too soon to give up.
2006-08-09 10:38:01 · answer #10 · answered by Otis F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋