My husband got caught kissing another woman. He says it was nothing butI don't know. Do I stay or do I go?

Question

He's been putting me through hell for the last 4 months saying he's not happy, he's been thinking of leaving, I don't do this or that. I've known in my heart there might be someone else and have tried and suggested everything to try to make our marriage better. He's been very resistent to anything I've suggested. He finally got caught kissing his girlfriend by her husband, so he called me and confessed to the whole thing. Now he feels emense remorse, guilt and cried and begged forgiveness. He denies sleeping with her. I don't know what to believe. There are children involved and a long marriage. I'm so confused. he wants to work things out. How can I trust him again or should I?

Answer 1

Hi Buggin, read your other questions for more background...

Well, it's typical passive-guy behavior. He's got a lot of time invested in the marriage, is confused about the direction of his life, you are obviously trying to "please" him by doing as much as possible for him, yet he's got a desire for this other woman and he didn't know how to reconcile the emptiness and yet stand firm about remaining loyal to you.

I.e., he was unwilling to commit to either course of action and was hoping someone else would make his decision for him.

Apparently something did. He got caught. He then confessed to you, maybe partly sincere, most probably partly "damage control" because he knew that if he didn't tell you immediately, he'd lose you and then be REALLY screwed.

In other words, at some level, this is all still about him.

He might have slept with her, he might have not. It's possible he didn't -- if he was sleeping with her, he probably wouldn't need to merely sneak kisses with this woman while her husband was around, but who knows?

Anyway, you've got 19 years invested in this marriage, and you have two kids (probably teens). You need to decide what you are going to do, and what the groundrules will be.

He's refused counseling and church involvement in the past. I think the rule is, he goes to counseling or he can pack now. If he doesn't commit to you now and make a clean break, he WILL cheat again. He needs the anchor hammered into the ground for him, so that he has a reason to hold firm... otherwise he will drift.

Meanwhile, stop trying to please him. It's fine to do things out of love for someone and to care for your family, but you should be guarding yourself against doing lots of things for him just to keep him happy. He should be invested in your marriage and relationship/family. This means he should be pulling equal "share of duties" in the marriage. Do not mother him. Sometimes a guy will both want mothered but when his wife mothers him, he can't view her as a 'wife" and starts looking elsewhere for a romantic interest. Be careful of enabling his passive behavior.

In any case, you both need counseling -- both for your marriage, and he needs it in order to recognize the emptiness he's experiencing and how to better deal with it than by cheating on his wife. You need to decide how far you're willing to stick things out with him and what the rules need to be.

Answer 2

Well, it wasn't a problem putting you thru hell for 4 mo while he was messing around with another woman was it? He had no problem telling you he wasn't happy, thinking of leaving, etc. Possibly in his mind he was justifying his cheating by saying he wasn't happy, so it made it okay for him. You know the only reason he confessed was because he was caught, otherwise you would probably be going thru hell for many more months. I really don't know how people trust someone who was willing to be so selfish and hurtful without batting an eye until they are caught. This is something you are going to have to do alot of soul-searching about.......how important is it to you to have a honorable husband? How important is it for the kids to have a father around while they are growing up, but possibly gone once they have left home? Do you really believe him when he says he never slept with her...you don't trust him due to what has already happened. You might seek marriage counseling now that he feels remorse and get to the bottom of why he did this in the first place.

Answer 3

Trust is a hard thing to regain once it's been broken. No matter how long you have been married. Even though children are involved, would it be in their best interest to be in a house with so much tension and discord.
I dont know how long you have been married, or if you want to save the marriage. One option is counseling. If that isn't an option, then maybe a seperation. I'm not going to sit here and put your husband down. He was completely wrong in his actions, and I'm sure he knows this. And I know first hand how hurt you feel. They say once a cheater always a cheater, but that isn't always true. In all honesty, you may get many answers here, many may even say just leave him he isn't worth it, etc. But in the end you have to do what is best for you and the children. The first place to start is counseling, even if it's just for yourself. The second thing, is to think about the kids. Even if you think by staying with him would be good for the kids, that may not always be true. If there is tension and anger in the house, children pick up on it, and that isn't a good environment for them.
If your husband will not put his foot forward to help making the relationship work, then you need to contact an attorney and explore your options. Also, talk to your friends and family that know you well. Strangers aren't always the best option for decisions to stay or end a marriage...good luck

Answer 4

At this point it does not matter if they had sex or not. Swapping spit counts as fluids so its much the same. If this is his first transgression you could give him a second chance. That should come with some limitations. He needs to tell you why this happened and be honest. Secondly he has to promise never to do this again. Third he needs to detail what happens if it does happen again, things like you get the house, kids, spousal support and the like. Get it straight now. Hes been unhappy well guess who's not happy now. Do not let him off the hook. He feels guilt well its not enough. He needs to kiss your butt for a long time. If he's not willing to do any of that or resists toss him to the curb. If he wants back, you can give him the second chance but he only gets one. In time you can get over it and he can prove he's trustworthy. But that takes time.

Answer 5

People usually do feel bad once they GET CAUGHT.

Has he even considered counseling or followed your suggestions on how to improve your marriage? Does he come up with his own ideas and follow through on them? Or has he simply been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and now realizes there's a problem?

I think ongoing communication is VERY IMPORTANT in a marriage. It's hard to believe what he's telling you because you had to find things out this way. You'll probably never be able to trust him the way you feel you could before, but he has to do everything in his power to regain some of it. If he's not willing, then you may have to reconsider things.

Answer 6

A long marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it's filled with love. If he won't work things out, he doesn't want to. That kiss that he said was nothing sure sounds like something to me. When is the next chick gonna come along? Ask yourself what you want. He knows he made a mistake and with it comes the realization that he might lose everything - house, wife, money, kids, car, and whatever else you have built together. And he would have to pay child support. That's enough to make any man cry and want to work things out even if he has to stay unhappy. Good luck building your trust in him again.

Answer 7

If you didn't have children and a long history I would say just get out, but under the circumstances you may want to try to work through it. Counseling for both of you individually and also as a couple can help you sort through what you feel and what you want. That is, if you both really want to do so. It takes two and it will be hard.

As to his saying it's "nothing," that is some deep deep denial that he will have to come out of immediately. If he wants to stay with you he needs to never see her again (ever), get into counseling with you, and learn how he can begin to deserve and earn your trust again.

If he won't do any of the above, probably the best choice for you is to move on with the help of a good lawyer and a good therapist (for you alone).

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 8

Do NOT trust this man, the only reason he feels bad is because he was caught. Do you think it would have ended and he would have felt bad if they were not caught. No, they would still be doing it. Once a man cheats, he will always go back to the old loving husband until the next one comes along, then out he goes again. End it now before you get a disease and the kids get hurt worse...

Answer 9

Only time will tell and his actions in the future if you will ever trust him or not. Just make sure that there is still a future to find out. Also make sure you give him hell for it or the next time it will be more than a kiss to confess to.

Answer 10

If he was caught kissing her, he was sleeping with her. No doubt about it.

Why has his getting caught suddenly changed him from someone who's been thinking of leaving for 4 months to desperately wanting to work things out? You both must figure out why he was unhappy in the first place. When you know that, you can begin to make things better.

I wish you the best of luck.