Cowardly husband?

Question

My SIL does drugs and is always asking to watch my child. She never has and I've flat out always said no. My husband and I argue over this, as he says she doesn't all the time and it's fine. NO, not going to happen.

So anyways he's putting it on me to tell her why. First of all why should I be the one telling her? His sister and I don't like her much to begin with.

Any suggestions to get him off my case and taking care of this business that is obviously his?

Thx <3

Answer 1

He needs to tell her.

It's not just your husband's business because it's his sister (not yours), it's your husband's business because his child's safety is potentially being jeopardized. He should be driven to defend and protect his family.

Instead, he's avoiding the situation probably only because he's afraid of offending his sister and dealing with the fallout over the conflict.

He needs to rise to the occassion. Does he want to truly risk his daughter's safety? What's more important -- his daughter, or his sister's feelings?

(And it's not like she's being refused visitation to her niece... she just isn't allowed to care for her on her own.)

I'd bite the bullet and shoot straight with your husband -- not in a mean way, but call a spade a spade. He has to be willing to risk a spat with his sis in order to protect his daughter. Only he has the authority to really put his foot down in this matter, since he's her brother.

It's a hard situation, and uncomfortable. My dad was an alcoholic for years, and i dreaded the possibility of having to tell him he was not allowed to care on his own for my kids -- I could not afford to just let them go off in his care, without my mom there to provide oversight. Things never had to come to a head, but I understand it's emotionally difficult to face.

Still, it has to be done: Your daughter's safety is the most important thing here, not your SIL's dignity or your hubbie's emotional comfort.

That's what I'd tell him, bottom-line stuff. And if he refuses to step in, things will only get uglier and he will have even MORE to deal with. It's in his best interest to deal with this NOW, not just for himself but so that his daughter can trust him and take pride in him.

Answer 2

Stick to your guns for sure, you have to do what is right for your child. If she asks why not, just say that you aren't comfortable discussing it with her, but that she might like to discuss it with her brother. Then the onus is on him. If he chooses to avoid answering, then she can either live in wonder, or if it is important enough to you that she know why, then tell her.

She'd have to be pretty ignorant if she thought being a drug user is defencible with respect to your decision not to let her babysit for you...and if she is that ignorant...then you have TWO reasons to want her to keep away from your child...drug use AND stupidity.

Too bad your husband doesn't grow some 'nads and do what is right for your child in the first place. If someone call CFS, stating that you knowingly left your kid in the care of a known drug user, you could be in trouble. Is it worth risking custody of your kid? And even if the authorities were not called in, what if this woman fell asleep or did something while high that hurt or injured your child? Who'd be able to forgive themselves for that.

By all means, have her visit your child when you are there to supervise, but if your guts are telling you that it is the wrong thing to do, to leave her alone with your child, then follow your instincts...they are totally right on.

Answer 3

He obviously doesnt see it to be a problem. And I understand how you feel. The best solutions I can see is to sit her in the room with him, and explain why you dont feel this is a good idea. The reason he wants you to tell her is because you are the one not wanting her too, right or wrong.

It's understandable why you dont, but If i were you, I'd go ahead and tell her straight up. Let her know she can come see the kids when you are around, but not alone since she has had a history of being on drugs. Obviously your husband doesn't see this as his problem, otherwise he would tell her.

Answer 4

First of all, how do you know she does drugs? If she's told you this personally in the past then I'd say " You've admitted to me that you occasionally do drugs and b/c of that I won't allow my child to be left alone with you b/c I can't always trust your judgement.. Surely you can understand my decision". If she promises she won't use when she has your child give her other reasons like your child may get into the drugs in her house, or her dealer could come by unexpectedly while your child is there or she may unexpectedly be arrested while she has care of your child and your don't want your child to see that. Oh, and I'd also use this conversation to offer her any help she needs to stop using.

Answer 5

Yup, your Hubby should tell her. But, why make this a big deal? It bothers you, so just tell her why you don't want her caring for your child. You don't like her anyway, so telling her won't end a friendship, or destroy your close relationship. Actually, you have a much more serious problem. Your husband feels that his sister is fine as a sitter? Cuz she isn't on drugs "all the time". Lady, think. Does hubby dabble in drug use???

Answer 6

When it comes to the welfare of a child - I would not hesitate to tell someone the problem that I have with them keeping my child. They can like it or not - and, if you know it for a fact that she does drugs - you are protecting your child and that is what a parent and/or guardian does. Anyway - you already said you two don't care that much for each other - so open your mouth and let her know the next time she asks - shoot - tell her even before she asks so you don't have to listen to her ask again.

Answer 7

Since you don't get along with her anyway, why not tell her that you really would have a problem letting her watch your child since you are aware of her having a drug problem. The only thing that can happen is your cowardly husband can be there for his sister if she has a problem with the truth. If its done openly, then he has to acknowledge that you are right.

Answer 8

There is no harm telling her as to why she isn't trusted to watch your child....really I would think she would automatically already know. I have had a relative that was using and they obviously aren't wise enough to take care of themselves let alone someone elses child. When the day comes that she takes care of herself and she is truly responsible, then maybe. You might just ask your husband how he would feel if something terrible happened to your child while in her care, he could never take it back and have such guilt knowing he chose his sister over keeping his child safe. Just stick to your decision, you won't be sorry.

Answer 9

He needs to understand that he has to be the gobetween with his family. If you get involved in telling his sister how you feel, then it will cause a huge divide between you and his sister (and perhaps the rest of the family). The keep all in-laws from feuding, he needs to be the one to talk to them and stand up for you... AND his child! When he married you, he lost the right to be a mama's boy. He is your husband first and foremost.. and your child's father.

Why is your sister-in-law so insistant on watching your child, anyway? Be diplomatic. Thank her politely for her kindness, but say you really can't part with baby today, and you don't want to impose on her. Appreciate her offer.

Speaking of the child... family feuds can be harmful to children. I never got to know my father's parents because of things his sister did. My father, though, did stand by my mother, and our immediate family remained conflict free. But put your child's safety first.

Answer 10

Your husband is being a wimp. Even if she only does it sometimes she still does it. I guess that it really is only going to be left to you to do it. Just let her know (even though you don't) you really like her a lot and appreciate the fact that she would want to watch your kid. However you are not comfortable with the fact that she sometimes does drugs. Let her know that you know she wouldn't around the kid, its just that you don't like it. That way she won't get to offended. I wouldn't want my kids around anyone that causally did drugs either. She wouldn't get a job if they asked for a drug test so why would you trust her with your child?