What should I do stay or move on with my life?

Question

I've been married for 5 years. My wife and I have been through so many hardships. I'm not in love with her anymore. I'm fighting to get the feeling back in our marriage. I've met a female who just might be my soulmate. I don't really know what to do. I have a daughter involved and I don't want to break up her parents over this. She needs both her parents. My wife isn't that affectionate anymore because I cheated once. This happened 3 years ago but she still holds on to the grudge. I knew I was wrong but I can't stay with a woman who can't forgive me after 3 years. Our intimacy is horrible and I just don't want to feel stuck in a bad marriage. She says she's willing to be more affectionate. Truthfully, I don't believe her. I know I can find a more loving woman. I don't want to cheat again in our marriage so it might be best that I move on to this new female in my life. It's a risk. My daughter is who I'm going to miss. She lives in another country..Germany. My first born..3 years old.

Answer 1

The grass isn't always greener. Sooo many people do this...cheat..think this is "the one". I think you need to go to marital therapy and try to work things out. Go to someone who is a professional..clinical psychologists are the best because they can help determine if there is something deeper going on with one of the two of you...like depression, etc. In my opinion, you should exhaust every effort possible for your daughter. Have you ever watched the show "One week to save your marriage"? Probably not...not exactly something most men would want to watch,....anyhow..on that show the couple has to sit down and look at a photo of their child/children and tell them that they are getting a divorce. Everytime, this seems to really make a huge difference...is this other woman really worth it? What if you could rekindle a spark with your wife. Marital therapy can also help her to learn to forgive you for your past infidelity..and please don't think that because it has been a whole 3 years that it isn't still painful. Do you honestly think you would feel all lovey dovey after something like that?? Even three years later, she probably still feels the hurt. Try to be understanding. There are consequences to what we do...and yes some forgive quicker than others..some never do forgive. I think your best bet is therapy. Hope this helps!

Answer 2

Dude going from one woman to another is the absolute worse thing you can do. If your going to leave the relationship take that time to figure out what it was that made you cheat in the first place and try and work on it, so that it doesn't happen again in your new relationship should there be one or you could work on it with your wife. Men these days can't stand on there own two feet they are so co-dependent. Be a man and handle your business the right way. She's turned off by you because you betrayed her and your betraying her again by entertaining the thought of jumping into a new relationship, you should be trying to make her feel like the queen that she is. Do something special for her. Date her again.

Answer 3

Sounds like you are both stuck. Both of you should seek marriage counseling and give it a shot. Another woman is not the answer. You are just lacking emotional feelings that you don't get in your marriage so you are reaching out to any woman that will give you those feelings. You truly don't know how this other woman is, she is just putting fourth her best foot right now and might be a holy terror. There is no reason you and your wife can't get back what you had. You just need to communicate and make each other feel secure in your marriage in that you will be there for each other no matter what.

Answer 4

Well, it's definitely a nasty situation, and your daughter stands to lose the most from the situation (as you've determined).

You do right to consider the impact of your decision upon her future -- she might somehow survive the breakup of her parent's marriage, but she will always be dealing with the emotional fallout.

I would encourage you, if you really care about protecting your daughter, re-engage with your wife. To be honest, three years is NOT a long time to not forgive someone over an affair... IF the affair has never really been discussed openly, the feelings and grievances have not been aired properly, and both spouses have not actively shown "good faith" in reconciling with each other.

You don't describe what happened in regards to the affair, so I can't tell whether (1) you really were there for your wife, repented of the affair in a way that mattered and persisted in your repentence and really pursued her and thus she's just refusing to get over things [some wives DO have trouble forgiving, even when the spouse is repentant], or if (2) you ever really "recommitted" to the marriage and have simply left your wife in emotional agony for three years and not really worked to make the relationship deepen, and now are looking for the easy way out and are only held in place because of your daughter.

Why did you cheat on your wife in the first place? Did you ever deal with your feelings and reasons for cheating, two years into the marriage? I doubt they have changed much over the last three years. Maybe that could shed some light on what's going on inside you now, and where your motivations could change.

Also, why did you go back to your wife? Your daughter is three. You cheated three year ago. Sounds like the two coincide. Did you go back just for your daughter?

I also hear more about your personal stakes, here, rather than your wife's or your kid's -- you talk about "losing your daughter." Much of this seems to be about you and what you have to gain and what you have to lose. It's not just about you, it's about three people (you, your wife, your kid) ... plus the woman you have already started to drag into this whole mess.

I don't know the situation well, but you sound like you've been leaping from one thing to the next, looking to fill a hole in your life. I know that feels like "life" to you, and you hate feeling that emptiness, but I guarantee that you need to stop for a minute and try to deal with what you've got; if you keep chasing after this "soulmate," you will probably leap from person to person because you'll soon become dissatisfied again. You are creating a trail of devastation behind you... and for no purpose, because you won't find the permanent happiness you seek.

Finally, I note that your handle is "God'sStrength." I don't know which God you believe in, but what does your God tell you to do in this situation? What sort of strength does he promise? What sort of loyalty and fidelity does he demand? He matters enough for you to name yourself after him in some way; so you should really be pondering what your loyalty to God demands from you in this situation, then figure out what you need to do to change inside in order to follow those demands.

Good luck. I hope that things work out, for your daughter's sake. She needs her dad and mom to figure this out.

Answer 5

You brought a lot of this on yourself. Deal with it. Whatever you do do not get involved with another woman. Isn't that what got you in trouble in the first place. Deal with your wife. Either stay or go but do that first. You think you'll miss your daughter now, imagine if you split because the lying, cheating, bastard did it to mom again.You will never get visitation, only the support checks. Part of being married is to exhaust your remedies before you split. You leave before doing that you are not fair to anyone.

Answer 6

Well I think if you had never cheated in the beginning maybe your wife would have been more involved with you! Its just goes back to the saying the grass is not always greener on the other side.Maybe instead of looking other places you should of made her feel more of a women by not cheating. Maybe she needs to find someone better than you.

Answer 7

If you leave just because you're unhappy you run the risk of ruining your daughters life completely. You'll send her the message that this woman you have met is more important that she is. If you don't try to work things out for the wife, at least try for the kid, she deserves a fighting chance.

Answer 8

wow u got ur self in a tight whole this is wat u do theres no reason to stay in a relationship if u dont love her if u love the other one then thats who u should be with u cheated ok it is hard to forgive but if she choose to stay with u she should of choose to forgive u so really its not ur fault..... Now ur daughter it will hurt her but explain it to her when shes old enough to understand but make sure ur there for her dont promise things u cant keep be there when she has boy problems friend problems when she has a school production anything u cna do to make sure that she nos ur there spend summers and christamases with her let her no one else can be her dad...... now ive given my advice u choose if u wanna follow and if u do just no a 15 year old helped her trust me ive been in ur daughter shoes only my mom doesnt come around good luck i wish u the best
ELIZABETH

Answer 9

everyone being so judgemental, jumpin all over the guy....

look..

why spend the rest of your life trying to make up for something that may not be fixable? I guess a lot of it depends on if she is TRYING to forgive you. Then stay, and work it through (try to) If she isnt, then move on because everyonde deserves love and affection, and try as you may, if she dont give you affection, you WILL cheat again.

But work on those issues before getting serious.

I'm in exactly your situation, please email me we'll talk.

[e-mail]

asl
23
black female
North Carolina

Answer 10

Its ironic how you men aren't happy and don't have courage to be honest and just say what ever comes to your mind.
Be honest don't lie to yourself.
You can't be true to another unless you are true to yourself.
When a child is involved its not about you anymore its about that child. I would have just try to work it out.
You have a strong women that is actually sticking with you.
she hasn't left you yet !!!!!
You cheated on her. When a person cheats they actually weren't happy with that person anyway. They just wanted to be satisfied in the bed for a brief moment.