Why do some people frown on those who no longer want to be gay?

Question

I have been struggling with my sexuality as long as I can remember. I know some people would say that I am hating myself and denying who I am, but being gay / homosexual is just not something I like whatsoever. I cannot speak for others or will I have debate those who say they were born gay at all. However, I don't know if I was or not, but can say I don't like it. If there was a pill / drug that I could take, then trust me I would be the first one in line to try it. Am I wrong for wanting out? I stay depressed all the time and not happy whatsoever... The church says I am going to hell and all I get is that fire and brimstone. Basically, no support whatsoever in the African American community in my city...

Answer 1

You are not alone in not liking important aspects of who you are. Many people, whether gay or straight, have feelings like that, but I would imagine living in a homophobic world just intensifies it for you. No feelings are wrong, but these feelings are causing you pain and interfering with your life. You're not "wrong" for feeling you don't want to be gay, but from your question I think you realize that changing that is not a realistic option and so accepting yourself is the ultimate answer.

I would suggest finding a good counselor who can help you deal with your self-esteem issues and the issues involved with being a gay man in this society. You need a professional counselor or therapist who is truly affirmative (not just "OK with it") and has experience working in the gay community. I have personally seen this make a huge difference in people's lives (I'm a counselor). They should also be knowledgeable about the issues involved in being gay in the African-American community.

Also, I don't know where you live, but in many cities it is possible to find a church home that will truly embrace you (not do the "love the sinner, hate the sin" dance). Being gay does not have to mean giving up your religion if that is important to you.

Many will disagree with much of what I have said. They have every right to speak from their religious beliefs. I have every right to speak from my own religious beliefs and also from my years of experience as a professional counselor who has worked in the gay community. My agenda is not to force anything on anyone, only to help them be happier and, I believe, as God intended them to be.

Answer 2

I can only speak for myself, as always. I don't get angry at people who don't want to be gay, and I'm not really sure you could say I "frown on it". I do think that the chances of you DOING anything about it, though, are slim to none. And I do get VERY angry at the people who lie to you about what they CAN do to "help" you, and about the risks involved in that "help". I'm not in a good position to help you reconcile your religious beliefs (are they YOUR religious beliefs yet, or are you still mostly just going with the way you were raised because it's how you were raised?), but I will say that the studies show the best way for you to get out of the depression and all that is to come to an understanding and an acceptance of who you are. You say you don't know if you were born gay or not: I don't claim to either. I do know that however I got this way, it's not something I can change. It might take you a little bit longer to find that out, but hopefully not TOO long; there are people who have lived to regret wasting YEARS of their lives trying to change something that can't be changed. I just think its tragic to see that happening to people, and it's manipulative of others to use these people as a political tool.

Answer 3

Well, you know, I think that you feel so depressed not because of your sexuality, but of your judgement towards your sexuality.

It is not easy to be gay, because it is considered by many people in society as a bad thing. If you are gay, it does not make life more easy if your surrounding makes you feel that this is something that is considered as sick behaviour.

Until not so long ago homosexuality was considered as something very normal in most cultures. Look at the old Greek, Romans, but also in Europe it was considered normal untill just a few hundred years ago.
In Thailand being gay is still mostly accepted, you even have the 'third sex' which is considered as a normal thing in Thailand.

The thing is that the chances are very high that you will never be able to experience true happiness if you don't accept who you are. You might try to have sex with a woman, and even marry and have children, but inside of you you will never be complete.

A strange comparisation: I hate brussels sprouts. I have tried to eat them but they still disgust me. I can't help that, some people love them and some hate them.
That's me. It's not a choice, not an illness, nothing evil.
If I would have to eat them for the rest of my life, I would still not like them. I might learn a bit how to eat them, but I will never learn to like them.
I would not choose to eat brussels sprouts for the rest of my life, because people tell me it is a bad thing not to like them. Especially if the oranges that I am attracted to are within my reach, if only I accepted the fact that I want the oranges.
I would be so much more happy if I would enjoy diner the rest of my life, instead of having to chew something away that made me feel nauseated and unhappy...

Society gives you the pressure and tells you not to be who you are. They tell you that you should feel bad if you follow your heart the way you feel.
But will you ever be happy if you would not follow your heart?

Culture decides what is good and bad in sexuality! If you would have been born in Thailand, you would never have had a problem. This would not be an issue, just like it is no issue if you are straight.

I hope you learn to accept yourself. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

If you're really unhappy being gay, that's one thing. But if you're unhappiness comes from the lack of support in the African American community and the rampant homophobia of the bible-thumpers, that's something else. Before you decide, maybe you should try looking for a positive, supportive community so you can see the difference.

It's not that people frown on those who don't want to be gay, it's that we know that if we're really gay, it's not really something you can change. Some people are in between gay and straight and can make the straight life work for them, but if you're really gay, you can't just turn it off. People who have tried have come to realize that - sometimes after messing up others' lives (spouses, children, etc.). So please be really, really sure before you make a decision. Good luck.

Answer 5

Hmmm. I was debating if I should answer this question or not because I am dealing with similar issues but not exactly in the same way. Me, I am an african-american lesbian who is choosing not act on my feelings/desires anymore because of religion and wanting to be acceptable to God. (Yes, I know what ppl will say) And no, I haven't ran to get a man either that's just not me. For me this is my "thorn in the flesh". Nobody will likely understand that, but that's what it is. The most important thing is that it's got to be your decision from your own heart. The community can't answer anything for you and besides half of them are doing something they shouldn't either (e.g., premartial sex, adultery, etc.) So what does your heart and your mind say to do? Are you afraid of what people will say if they knew about you?

This is a tough question because I would want you to be happy just as I want to be happy, but you've got to figure out where you stand on the whole issue first and then make your decision.

Hope this help a lil' bit...

Answer 6

Judging by some of the terrible things I read on YA, people seem to have a lot of hatred aimed at anyone different from themselves. It's a shame they can't put that energy into finding out why they are so hateful and educating themselves in understanding tolerance and the wider world.
Anyway, I am sorry to hear of your depression and isolation. You are not going to Hell because that is here on earth and you sound like you've been through enough of that already. There must be professional help out there somewhere - try through search engines with your city name plus counselling. There are many ways that people live their lives behind closed doors. There also could be many things conflicting in your mind, for example cultural pressures that make you want to deny who you really are. The answer is inside you and you need to surround yourself with people you can identify with plus get someone professional you can talk to, even if it means making big changes in your life. I wish you the best.

Answer 7

I certainly would not debate you on this as I haven't walked in your shoes. While I do not believe you can turn this off like a switch, I do believe you have the right to explore every option in your search for peace. My suggestion would be to see if you could find a church that is open to the homosexual lifestyle such as an MCC Church. This is a growing body of Christ and even if there is not one directly in your area I feel like you could contact the main MCC web address and seek counsel or suggestions. I too have struggled with the Christianity vs. homosexuality. I am much more at peace now than I have been as I know I am not going to go to hell. Our God is a loving God and you have put your faith in Him and accepted His love. If you have professed this then I do not believe you are hell bound. I hope you find peace.

Answer 8

I believe being gay is a genetic issue in regards to the X and Y chromosome thing (not a Doctor here ) and you have no choice if born that way, anyone else who does not have this X Y thing mixed up and are still gay are coping out from some child hood trauma or were in need of immediate attention and found it in a person of the same sex, this is my opinion I am a nobody ... trust me

Answer 9

I have a story for you.
I read a story once in a Dear Prudy column. A man told of how he had been gay and then decided he really didn't want to be gay anymore. He ended up falling in love w/ one of his best friends (a woman) and they got married. He now considered himself straight (even though he still looked at gay porn every once in a while) and wanted to let people know that they could be or do whatever they wanted if they put their hearts and minds into it. Prudy told him that she was disappointed that he was denying who he was and thought he needed serious therapy. I got mad. I thought it was stupid for her to say that he was denying himself when he wanted to change and that he should be who he was before even though he didn't want to. I've since stopped reading her column. I don't know why people aren't that supportive of people who want to go from homosexual to heterosexual, but I think you should be or do whatever will make you happy whether or not people approve it. If you don't want to be gay, then seek out therapy or an organization who can help you and be supportive. If other people don't like your change, tell them to f*** off. It's your life, you choice, your body, and your soul. You can make this choice and change if you want and it's none of their business. Your family and friends should just support you and love you. But it's your life and no one else's business than yours.
Good luck and God bless! I hope you find happiness!

Answer 10

It's the church that has you so messed up.

Nobody likes it when they first come to realize they're gay.
It's scary, especially if you've been brainwashed by the church.

There are certain "Christian Programs" that supposedly can get you to change your lifestyle and make you straight. That will just mess you up more. It cannot work if you are truly gay inside.

You should start going to gay or bi support groups in your area.
You will meet many people who have gone through what you're going through. You can also talk to your preacher, but again, that will mess you up more.

It's scary to be hated for who we are, but as an older guy, I assure you it gets easier in time. You need to come to terms with yourself first and accept who you are, whether you're gay or bisexual. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.