How is my poem? (Thank you "Honey" for the concept of asking Yahoo)?

Question

Be honest, be brutal. I want to know what your thoughts are. This won't be the last time I submit one here.

Rose: Beauty and Compassion

And there in darkness lies a withering rose
Of which whose sight sets many tears aflow.
Yet in its dying moments, it still shows
That from the wilting beauty, compassion can grow.

From the criticisms I've gathered, I should substitute "can" with "may" in the last line and perhaps "sets" with "forced" in the second line?

Answer 1

Wow that was wonderful, actually. I'm impressed.

The first line is beautifully written: the words, linguistically, flow very well; the euphonius sounds make it beautiful; the sibilance in the second line is a bit choppy though; the first two s's follow each other so closely, and the s's set up are not in a patterned way. Perhaps this was not your intention, but I'm just being brutal.

The third line, again, using simple words makes for a euphonic effect.

The fourth line's "compassion" isn't so much clunky -- it takes up too much of the line and doesn't allow the "can" that follows to flow into the "grow".

The imagery is lovely, yet the words themselves don't seem to be crafted and slaved over, but they still come together well.

Answer 2

i have one to:
and there in the darkness lies a homeless bum,
drank to much and passed out in the sun
all burnt up like a piece of toast
all dirty and stinky d.a.m hes gross
he wants change inside his cup
only have 20s on me dam dont that suck

Answer 3

That was truly beautiful. You have the soul of a true poet. Thank you for sharing it. I will look forward to seeing your future work.

Answer 4

It's beautiful and insightful...I like it!

Answer 5

It's ok I guess.