I have been in my marriage for 11 years and I got married to a man with 3 children what should i do?

Question

1st when I met my husband I seen those 3 children and I felt they needed help and my husband has diabetes and he doesnt like himself he is very stressed and I am still mad i never got a wedding in a church or a wedding ring with a diamond or time alone with him. Right now im dealing with the children saying im not there mother and the son punched me in the eye and i got a black eye. So he moved to my mom and dads when he should of moved to his moms. I am loosing feelings for my husband because he never sticks up for me in any situation. When i try to talk he just gets mad and doesnt want to deal with anything. Im tired and I work all the time and he is alway sick or in the hospital. He tells me sometimes I need to find a man who can help me sexually and that hurts my feelings. Now im sad and I want to be happy in my life. I want to get out and live a happy life im tired of being sad and unhappy who has any good advice for me?

Answer 1

Hi Lori, I am just going to ask some questions to explore the issue a little better...

So why did you marry your husband? Was there something there between both of you, or did you feel sorry just for the kids and want to provide them a mother?

I ask that because I find it a little odd that he wouldn't spring for a church wedding or get you a decent ring, and that he doesn't spend any real time with you. He doesn’t sound like he cherishes you much or really “loves” you in the wife sense.

Continuing, he did have custody of the kids, so I am assuming he was at least in better shape (maturity-wise) than his ex-wife, but he also sounds very uninvolved in the family and has basically dumped all the responsibility on you... and you've picked it up because you seem like the sort of person who likes to take action and make things work.

It particularly concerns me that he did not intervene when his son gave you a black eye – legally, first of all, I think this could be considered "assault,” and also most "normal" men would have something to say if one of their kids took a fist to their mom. In the old days, my dad's generation, the kid would have been taken out back and been given a taste of his own medicine, however barbaric that sounds to us today.

(A man has an instinct to protect/defend his woman and remove any threat to her; and to not protect her from his own kids is just... a really bad sign for the relationship.)

His comments about you going sexually elsewhere (coupled with the rest of the matter) suggests that he feels sick, inadequate, frustrated, impotent, and so forth. He sound like he's really absorbed in his own feelings in weakness and doesn't feel capable (or doesn't have courage) to step in and try to show some leadership in his family. He also sounds like he feels bad for you doing all the work you do and feels some guilt that your needs aren’t being met, but doesn’t want to meet them himself and so is sending you elsewhere.

So, yes, I understand why you feel how you do: Your man doesn't seem to value you, or love you, or want to protect you, or show concern for you. I would guess this isn't because he hates you, but because he feels inadequate and also because maybe he's always looked towards you more as a "provider" figure for him rather than as a love interest and wife.

On your part, I would review why you married him. It sounds like you wanted to fix the family and "take care" of everyone... but that possibly there was no real relationship there to begin with, and now it is becoming obvious. His lack of strength on your behalf is now causing some bitterness in you, and resentment for all the work you've done on him and his kids' behalf... and you have nothing to show for it. It seems that both of you entered this marriage for your own reasons, rather than out of real love (per se).

Advice? I can't tell you what to do. Either way, it'll be hard.

Ask yourself this: Do you love this guy? Really love him? Are you willing to engage him, rather than just taking care of him? If you keep playing the mother, you will never be his wife.

Somehow you guys have to have a real conversation about how you both feel in this marriage, and where your disappointments are, and what you hoped to get out of it and give to it. It sounds like no real communication is occurring. You really need a counselor to help guide this – professional, church minister, or someone else you can trust and who will take some of the tension off your discussion. You both need to be able to be honest with each other, without arguing your side of things and getting angry.

Right now, the relationship seems very dead. It’s like starting over the marriage from scratch, if you want things to improve. Your husband and you both need to decide if you are willing to commit to what it takes, and get help to make it.

I'm sorry this probably sounds very blunt, but I'm not sure how to say it differently and as effectively. I hope you guys can make it and begin to grow together rather than letting things as they are drive you apart.

Answer 2

If you truely want to leave the situation leave! My husband has children also, 3 and with them come 8 grandchildren - it has not been easy but they do grow up and move out! at times I am happy I didn't leave and other times well... I think you are a strong and caring women and that you have been filling everyone elses buckets and no one else is putting anything back into yours and now it is empty! Do things that make you happy, try new things, go out - do things for you and erlax and leave the worries behind b/c in the long run all is temporary anyway. If you want to no longer be sad then get tougher live your life without saddness don't let things get to you you are worth it and now it is your time to fill your own backet if no one else will. If you want to have good time create them it doesn't matter if you saty or leave start making them happen now this will also help your self esteem and you'll be able to think clearer... By the way childeren will be children most in this day & age lacking all common sence don't let it rub off on you- remember you are the adult and you will do what needs to be done in areas of your life for your well being as well as the other members in your family...

Answer 3

You shouldn't have married him if you're reason was that you felt sorry for his children. They are not your responsibility, they are his or their mother's. Where is she and why isn't she in their lives? I would give the children back to your husband, throw in the towel and move on.

Or if you really love the man, stick it through, get tough with the kids, and find some kind of pleasure in a hobby or a club. Sounds like you may need some time to yourself, dealing with his sickness and his kids. That would drive anybody crazy and sad. Bottom line: is this marriage savable? Do you want to work at it? Or are you going to give up and leave?

Answer 4

Hello my dear lady:
I have been through almost the same thing. I feel badly telling you this, but it sounds like you already know you will never be happy. Life is hard enough without being in a situation that is nothing but torture to you. Believe me it will not get any better. If you know it will not get better, why stay? In the end you must look after yourself. Don't sacrifice your life to people that don't care. Even after my husband's three kids left home they were still a problem. He was still a problem. I was still a problem because I shouldn't have been there.
You must decide for yourself. Figure it out- will it get better? Will these kids ever be "yours". Will your husband ever understand? Will you be happy there? Good luck.

Answer 5

There are some questions you must answer for yourself. 1) Do you love your husband enough to try and solve the problems? If not there is your answer. Time to leave and not look back. 2) Does he love you enough to try and solve the problems? If not time to leave and not look back. 3) If the answer to both questions is yes then the two of you need to get together away from everyone and everything else to devise a plan on which problem needs to be addressed 1st, then 2nd etc. and start to work on them right away together. You both have to agree on the problem and the way to handle it because if you don't it won't get solved it will just become another thing to argue about. No name calling or finger pointing during this process just define the actions that you both agree will lead to a satisfactory conclusion.

Answer 6

Do u realize u used "I" like 12 times in this paragraph.. i i i i i i i i i i i i
and the word I'm atleast 4 more times.. same same..

All about u huh?

But i never saw u say IM RESPONSIBLE FOR CHOOSING THIS LIFE.. or IM THE ONE THAT MADE A VOW TO THIS MAN.. OR IM THE ONE THAT CHOSE TO MARRY A MAN THAT HAS 3 KIDS AND I TOOK ON THE RESPONSIBILITY ..

So lets see, u married a man that u knew was sick, but are complaining because he's always sick and in the hospital..

Your upset because u married a man knowing he had 3 children and the fact that u said " I felt they needed my help" so u must of already known there were issues that needed to be addressed even if u didnt know the severity at the time.. u've been married for 11 years.. yet just suddenly ur realizing that its not all what its cracked up to be?? geeze ur a slow learner arent u???

Yes is it wrong for your husband not to stand as a united front with u , to the kids YEP most definately, is it wrong that he allows his kids to disrespect u, YEP most definately.. WHY ON EARTH ITS TAKEN U 11 YEARS TO FINALLY DECIDE U NEEDED RESPECT is beyond me.. that should of been established from day one..

Why is the son living with ur folks?? That doesnt make sense.. If u and your husband dont know how to be parents, then he should of gone to his mothers house and not become ur parents responsibility.. because u and ur husband obviously have zero clue what it takes to not only handle a marriage but children..

You've been their step mother for 11 years, so u've had plenty of time to put ur own input in on their parenting.. so u cant look at this any longer as "HIS" kids.. u've had your hand in raising these kids into being WHO THEY ARE .. so ur just as responsible for their actions as he is, u didnt just enter this picture yesterday..

YOUR A GROWN WOMAN.. U'VE HELPED RAISED 3 OBVIOUSLY SPOILED BRATS, AND NOW THAT YOUR LACK AND YOUR HUSBANDS LACK OF PARENTING SKILLS HAS SLAPPED U IN THE FACE YOUVE DUMPED ONE CHILD ON YOUR PARENTS AND READY TO WALK OUT ON YOUR MARRIAGE.. LOL grow the hell up, get control back of your family.. and be a real wife and parent to these children u signed up for the task, knowing the deal.. now deal with it.. and stop being so damn selfish.. the church wedding, the wedding ring.. GIRL U HAVE BIGGER ISSUES THEN THAT TO WORRY ABOUT.. geeze.. ur kids are falling apart, ur family is falling apart.. and UR NOT HELPING THE SITUATION CAUSE YOUR FALLING APART..

Answer 7

oh hell no...leave, why should you waste your life on a husband that lets his kids treat you like **** and isn't doing a damn thing for you. Their not your kids and they dont appreciate you so i would leave. when you get married your husband should always put you first and he wont even talk about how his kids disrespect you!?! why no wedding,ring,etc.? after 11 yrs. and raising kids that arent yours thats the least he could do. why no time alone??that is a big part of a marriage, no sex either?take his advice go out and find a new man and a new life without him & his ungrateful kids.( dont feel bad about it either, you will feel relieved.)

Answer 8

I cannot understand all these people that tell others to keep the marriage together no matter what. I think the time has come to throw up your hands and let someone else take a responsibility you have had for 11 years. Get a sex life, too.

Answer 9

Do you love him? It sounds to me like you married him for all the wrong reasons, feeling like the kids needed you and he needed you. It's not fair to him or those kids or you for that matter to be in a relationship if you don't love him and are sad. If you are unhappy then maybe the best thing is to leave.

Answer 10

You are not a wife, you are a housekeeper and a punching bag. This man will never stand up for himself, take care of himself or his kids as long as you shoulder this burden. If you want to be happy - LEAVE.

Hint: He's telling you to find another man - DO IT!