Is she cheating or am I paranoid?

Question

My wife and I have been together for over five years. We recently married at the end of April and the last time we had sex was on our honeymoon...which was over three months ago. I did some checking around and there isn't anything suspicious going on with her email or cell phone. I've confronted her about her cheating, of course she says no, but some things just don't add up. I know she's been stressed from work but there just doesn't seem to be any desire on her part to make things better. I've stopped bringing it up, stopped talking about sex and just focused on being her friend and husband, there have been minor improvements but little things still tend to bother me, like her choice in panties and bra or where she sprays her perfume at on her body or when she decides to shave. Don't hear much from her during the workday. No initiation of physical contact (kissing, holding hands, etc). The signs tell me she isn't, but my gut tells me differently. Can women go this long?

Answer 1

If you just got married in April, maybe she is having trouble adjusting to the fact that you are married. Sometimes a feeling of being boxed in happens that is caused by how a person thinks of the boundaries of marriage. Talk to her without making any accusations or arguing and see if the problem is something of this type.

Answer 2

I can't really tell based on your information. Here are a ton of questions, however, that that could help you figure out what's happening...

What was your sex life like up to the point where you got married? Was there an obvious change that occurred during your honeymoon, or was there actually a gradual decrease over a few months time (or more)?

Has your relationship changed dramatically since your marriage? Did you move to a new house/location? Did either of you switch jobs? What other changes occurred? Have you been fighting? Have there been disagreements over how either of you spend your time, living arrangements, property, etc?

Did she have reservations over being married? What did she give up to get married? Why did you guys wait so long to get married, then finally decide to marry? Did you "force" the issue of marriage, or was she into the idea or a co-partner in it? What issues might your nuptuals have brought to her mind, in regards to the long-term future and her life? What about children? Is there any disagreement about children / no children, and does she feel pressure from you in any way?

Has she expressed disagreement/fear over your behavior in any way since the marriage? Has she had bad past relationships where she was betrayed and could now be impacting her, because she's made a commitment that you could feasibly break? (I don't know... just imagining.)

Did any of her relationships suffer (family, friends) with you guys getting married? Did she lose any relationships that were important to her?

Basically, it is NOT uncommon for women to lose their sex drive if they are emotionally stressed -- either in their main emotional relationships or in their work relationships. I would examine your relationship and see if anything changed.

I would examine any fears she might have about the relationship, now that she has committed after five years of "freedom to leave" -- for women, commitment is very very serious because they have no guarantee the man will stay, even if she becomes pregnant. They take a far graver risk (of being hurt and/or abandoned, with a child to care for) than men do. Emotional fears can block sex drive.

An affair is possible as well, but her signs don't signify anything either direction here. I have no clue if any of these ideas are applicable, but maybe they will help you explore what is going on.

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Meanwhile, talk to her about her feelings and what's going on inside of her, as much as possible, just as a friend / someone who loves her. Maybe she doesn't understand her lack of drive either, but that will help her open up.

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As a remote possibility, did your wife start/stop taking any medications, change her eating habits, or whatever else when you married? Some women suffer lack of drive from a hormonal imbalance -- this is a long-shot, I think, but any change in mediation might be worth checking out.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You're dealing with a change in behavior nearly all men face after marriage. Once you're "hooked", they no longer have to keep dangling the line. Her goal was security and marriage, not intimacy. Once she achieved her goal, she has no incentive to continue to pursue you. She knows she's attractive to you, so you wanting her doesn't boost her self esteem anymore. Being attractive to other men, particularly now that she's married, does.
You're making it worse by showing her you're insecure. Women are attracted to confidence and strength, not insecurity and fear. Your accusations, your concern, your attemts to "make things better" are actually making it worse. So stop already. Ignore your fears and be a man. Show her confidence and strength, even if it's not real. Let her become attracted to you, not some other cocky guy out there.
Doubtful she's having an affair. She's just not interested in physical intimacy with you. If she's still not interested once you've shown your confidence and strength for several months, she never will be (and never really was. It was just a hook to get married).

Answer 4

Do you work? Because you sound like you have too much time on your hands! If you keep it up you are going to lose her quick. If she isn't doing anything any differently than before you got married, like changing the way she dresses or coming home late or not at all.......then your gut is wrong.

There is also the stress of learning to live together, not only of work.

Answer 5

I really don't think she is cheating on you. Wouldn't she shave and wear nice panties if she was with someone else? Sounds like she's one of those women that think it's OK to stop trying once they get married, some people don't realize that it is kind of still important to be physically attracted to their spouse. You need to talk to her husband to wife, let her know that you love her and that you should both try harder for each other. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Women can go for a very long time. She may even be opting to masturbate to punish you. You ask her if you said something to make her feel like you were criticizing her body or lovemaking? You are going to have to make up your mind though. If you ask her too much or act like you don't accept her answer as the truth, it could come between you just as easily as actual cheating. Find out if they hired anyone new at her work. That might give you your answer.

Answer 7

Go with what your gut says.....I know what you must be thinking. I am thinking she is cheating with someone at her job. And he is probably married...so that explains the no contact via cell or email...they communicate during working hours ONLY because this is the only time the other guy can.....

Just my 2 cents. Good luck to you. Cheaters, men or women, suck.

Answer 8

That is just wierd. You would think that the sex should be frequent and frenzied since you just tied the knot. I doubt that she is cheating, but you did something to make her back off. Try a little romance. Buy her flowers, but don't expect anything in return. Just love her and she will come around.

Answer 9

Choice in under garments and the perfume are, in my opinion, HUGE clues. But then on the other hand if you can account for her time away from you it's a tough call. Maybe sh'e sleeping with someone at her work.

Answer 10

Yes women can go this long with out wanting to have sex.. Me i cant, but alot of women can.. my husband can go this long with out having sex, im the more sexually agressive one in our relationship.. but u've been together for 5 years im guessing u probably lived together for awhile prior to getting married, so she's kinda use to things, and the wedding license didnt make it any "newer" for her.. since u were living as husband and wife already prior to the wedding..

She's probably not cheating on u ..

BUT i will let u know women over all are sneakier, more coniving, and can hide their tracks a hell of alot better then men.... my husband has already said that he freaks out that i would cheat on him because he knows he'd never know it if i did, because im good at making sure my tracks are covered.. I dont cheat on him though love him to much to do that..but even i know, if i ever did want to.. he'd never know it.. atleast not from phone bills, computer, finding things in my pockets or purse, he'd actually have to "literally Find me in the act" before he'd know what hit him..

So my suggestion to u.. if ur that paranoid that something is really up.. find out.. go to her work place at lunch time and stake it out..see where she goes, who shes with.. especially on days that u feel she's dressed up more then usual.. if she's planning on going somewhere specific for a few hours.. say on the weekends.. says shes going to i dont know, Walmart.. go to walmart urself after she leaves, see if ur car is there.. watch from a far .. BUT if after u do this several times and nothing turns up, DROP IT, SHES NOT CHEATING ON U .. dont keep looking for reasons to doubt if all comes up clean.. just try to realize shes obviously going through something right now.. and she needs ur support.. so if all comes clean after u watch from a far.. then learn that u have a wife that does love u.. and isnt cheating..

But to put ur mind at ease, go see for yourself or u'll always wonder and it will only eat u up inside till u know for sure.. so go do some recon.. and if everything is clear, then u'll feel better about the situation and focus more on how to help her then focusing on if shes cheating on u..