I'M NOT SURE WHETHER I SHOULD MARRY HIM..any advice?

Question

I have been dating this guy for 3 years and we are about to get married and im not sure whether i should or not. during our 1st year together things were ok but when he has about enough to drink he verbally abuses me n say mean things to me.. but when he sobers up he says it was the alcohol. he left to go to korea the next year and we managed to get thru the long distance relationship. anyway 3 months of him being back we were arguing constantly. I never cheated on him but for some reason i always have dreams of him cheating on me. one time we agrued about him chattin with this one girl on myspace and he got defensive about it. i hit him with a pillow and walked away, he came n choked the living crap out of me. it terrifies me that he might do it again. which he did. im just so confused because this is the side of him i have never seen before.. He is also very spontaneous and does everything for me. be tends to loose it every now n then we he's pissed off. what should i do?

Answer 1

Ok. Do not marry him. but u have to understand why.. the problem is not that there's no love. i'm sure u both love each other. the problem is, however, that when he gets DEFENSIVE, chokes you, is verbally/physically abusive, it is a huuuuge indicator that this guy does NOT know how to communicate, compromise, and *take care of you*. you NEED to find someone who takes keeps you safe, secure, happy, and trusting. if he messes up ANY of these things, ur relationship is already full of distrust and tension. u have Fear of him, not respect, and that is dangerous. if he was willing to work on anything that was Not satisfying you, then i would say it was worth working on. but sounds like he is the way he Wants to be, w/o any regard for your safety. How could he treat you like that? someone who Loves him, unconditionally? what else does he expect from you?? to sit there while he tries to kill you emotionall OR physically? that is asking too much. that is not ur dream marriage, this is not ur dream husband. like i said, your love is not in question here. your Health, your Needs, your Wants, are in question. if you are not satisfied and happy and healthy and positive, the relationship is doomed. i'm pretty sure u try your best to stay as committed and do whatever u can to make him happy, and yet he still treats u this way.

first, figure out what u want from urself. do u think u are a great girfriend? are u committed? are u loving, and trustworthy? make sure you are positive that u are a great fiance. next, figure out what u want from ur fiance. is he loving? trustworthy? is he committed? does he make you happy? does he satisfy your needs? DOES HE TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH and WELL BEING???? finally, figure out what u want from ur impending marriage. do u want a happy, growing, stable and Positive relationship? YES. talk to him, see what he expects from you, from himself, and from the marriage. if your goals are the same, then u can work on it, IF he is willing to listen and validate that u need him to change, and work on certain things (anger, etc). if he is NOT willing, and is DEFENSIVE..... that is a big no no. because that means he will not be able to compromise with you on any situation. Not willing to, or Not able to, it doesn't matter: he is not satisfying ur needs. end of story. doens't mean u don't love him, doesn't mean u failed as a girlfriend. it means he's just not good enough for you. cuz a REAL MAN will do his best to take care of you and love you and treat you Right, just as a Real Woman such as yourself will do the same for him.

set those boundaries, those expecations, and don't settle until u find it.... a man who is willing and able to take care of you Voluntarily, and make you healtheir and stronger than u ever were, is WORTH IT to wait for! don't settle for Any less, cuz if u do, ur marriage will be rocky. u may not be completely unhappy, but u will not be on a strong foundation. if u truly love him, TRY to work it out. that chance ur giving him to change, is a chance he better take advantage of. it is your love that is giving him a chance to change. but it is too much to expect your love to take abuse, unhealthiness, sadness and pain. u will know in ur heart and mind if something is "right"....so let him go. if u love him, let him go and find someone, or something that will help him stop the cycle of abuse. if he's not willing to do what is right for you, then theres' nothing else u can do but to find someone who will.

Answer 2

First of all no one should put up with any kind of abuse from anyone weather it is verbal or physical and it looks to me like you are getting both. YOU SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED!!!!!!! If you have any doubts, even if there wasnt abuse, you shouldnt get married. Marriage is very hard when both people want it. So if you are unsure its only going to make the marriage harder to get through. I know everyone has cold feet or whatever, but your guy has some serious issues and it doesn' matter if its only some of the time. He needs help and until he can realize that you should not only call off the wedding but you should call off the whole relationship for your own safety.
Good luck and I hope you get some help and get out of there.

Answer 3

Didnt get passed but the first few lines before i knew my answer, NO DO NOT MARRY HIM IF U DO UR SETTING URSELF UP FOR EITHER AN UNHAPPY MISERABLE MARRIAGE OR DIVORCE.. time to re-evaluate your life with him.. what do u want from a husband, ur ideal man??? is he anything even close to this, do u want a man that drinks and is mentally and physically abusive towards u?????? if so then ur just as sick as he is, i cant even understand why ur still with him.. LEAVE GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP.. after ur married he will only get worse thinking he has u trapped and the mental and physical abuse will get 100 x worse, if ur smart get away from him, he's a little boy trapped in a mans body with anger issues.. DONT MARRY HIM, because next will be he gets u pregnant and then u have children together is this the kind of life u'd want ur kids to see??? do u want him teaching ur child if its a boy that this is how u treat women, or if its a girl, that its ok to be treated this way??? THATS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.. he wont change, for the better with out help, and it takes alot of therapy to cure this, and alot of time and he'd have to realize he has a problem and want help.. DONT BE A FOOL.. get out now..

Answer 4

This is a danger sign of the highest magnitude. YOu are setting yourself up for abuse. The circle of abuse starts out with physical then it proceeds to light violence and eventually hard violence. Do you need to get the shict beat out of you to wise up? Leave him today and find a guy that doesn't have this violence problem. By the way spousal violence typically leads to child abuse. So think about your unborn children!

By the way typically a tour in Korea ends up being a sex tour for many soldiers. Their is a good chance he probably did cheat on you.

Make a plan for your life then find a guy to help you with that plan.

Check out the following website. It can answer your questions much better than I can. It can also give you a look at a sample life plan and a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche.

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Good Luck

Answer 5

If you are not sure if you should or not, then you are DEFINITELY not ready. When it's right you will know without any hesitations. Also there is NOT excuse for someone to disrespect someone they claim to love. YOU NEED TO GET OUT of this relationship right now. Can you really live with the abuse every single day of your life? You deserve to be happy and don't settle for second best. If you head and heart are saying two different things, listen to your head and your heart will thank you later!

Answer 6

This man is an abuser. If he blames it on drink but doesn't stop drinking, that means he isn't really sorry. Never stay with an abuser - they just get worse, and a lot of them end up killing their wives or girlfriends. Go to a woman's shelter if you need to, but get out of this relationship as fast as you can.

Answer 7

He is obviously a control freak. If you really love him, suggest that he go to anger management or even marriage councelling. If he really loves you than he will agree to go. If he gets offended by your suggestion, then he is selfish, controlling, and doesn't care about your feelings. Why would you marry someone who is mean to you? Being a bully is not being in love. He should be the one rethinking marriage. Maybe he can't get anyone else to be with him long term.

Answer 8

Stop right now before you get into the something becomes habitual. It might seem like and every now and then occurance right now, but it will not take long to turn into something you do not want. If you don't have children with him don't you don't want them to grow up in that type of environment it is not healthy.

Answer 9

Hunny, you are aware that you are in an abusive relationship and feel bad about his behavior, this may not be able to stop being abusive. Emotional abuse is nonphysical but includes symbolic threats of violence. It is uncommon for individuals who were emotionally abused in previous relationships to become abusive themselves. Emotional abuse may be a mechanism for surviving the stress of an emotional relationship. Emotional abuse does not present with a clear and consistent pattern. Nearly every person who becomes emotionally abusive experienced such abuse in childhood. Repetition compulsion involves repeating patterns of childhood relationships in order to undo the past or achieve new outcomes. The “original abuser” is the first person to have abused the individual. Unfinished business with an abusive mother or father or someone else may attract an individual into an abusive relationship. If you love him and want to be with him with out being abuse, the first step in the healing process in an abusive relationship is to set BOUNDAURIES. For a victim of abuse, understanding why they put up with abuse is often the most difficult. Victims allow their partners to emotionally abuse them. Body memories can help a victim of abuse understand what they survived in childhood. The feeling of shame can be the first hope of healing. It is not as difficult for the abusive partner to acknowledge that they were abused as children as it is for the abused partner to acknowledge that they are being abused. It is important to confront your abuser, in person. Borderline… Continuing to be aware of your physical and emotional feelings is one of two keys in the recovery of you and him. My friend you need to set a time frame for him to change, Is not good that you feel scare with that person that you love. Marriage is a big step, please don't do that big step before his change and recognized that he is doing wrong and have drinking, anger and controlling and abuse problems. (Suggestion sick a mentor or a professional help and be around positive people. for he to change, he MUST willing to change) If in within a month you don't see any changes in his behavior, don't think anymore. You must leave the relationship immediately. YOU ARE IN DANGER TO GET HURT OR KILL. (Don’t let he fool you that was the alcohol) If he really loves you, he will change to be gentle, caring and supportive to you. Give him in ultimatum.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 10

IT WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT..WOULD YOU WANT TO RAISE CHILDREN WITH A PERSON LIKE THAT..WOULD YOU WANT HIM TO BE A DAD WHAT IF HE IS ABUSIVE TO THEM? THEN WHAT? LIFE IS WAY TOO SHORT FOR **** LIKE THAT HON...GET OUT NOW!!! THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN ALL THE TIME NOT JUST WHEN HE IS SOBER...THAT ABUSE IS NOT RIGHT AND WILL NOT STOP AND PROBABLE WILL GET WORSE AND MORE OFTEN..I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND ALMOST DONE, I WILL BE A PROBATION OFFICER..I HAVE STUDIED AND READ ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THIS AND EXPERIENCED IT FIRST HAND....PLEASE...GET OUT NOW, WHILE YOUR STILL ALIVE TO DO IT...YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE COULD DO SOMETIME, YOU NEVER THINK THEY WOULD DO IT TO YOU BUT GUESS WHAT THEY DO..I WAS WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 12 YEARS AND 2 BROKEN ARMS, 1 DISLOCATED SHOULDER, 1 BROKEN JAW, BLACK EYES, PUNCTURED LUNG LATER I AM OUT!!!!! AND WITH A MAN THAT IS SO WONDERFUL.... DO IT NOW ....GET OUT!!