Is it ok to let my husband go out with friends for several hrs & not get mad?

Question

I trust my husband and I do not think he would do anything wrong or cheat on me but he has 3 friends that he likes to go off with every once in a while and 2 of them I do not trust at all! One is single, and the other 2 are married (with one acting like he is single & he don't care what his wife thinks about him going out, he is going regardless). I know that men need their space and there is nothing wrong with him hanging with the guys but I do not like these particular friends. They like to stay gone all day & night. One time my husband went out with them & left at 7am to play golf & didn't come home until 9:30-10:00 pm. Then Saturday night my husband left to play golf at 7am & came home at 6pm. I fussed him out because no one plays golf that long. He said after playing golf they went to another friend's house to drink a few beers. When I acted ugly to him he then got ugly with me & then gave me the silent treatment & wouldn't speak to me for several hrs. Am I over-reacting?

I know his friends very well. He has been friends with them for years. 1 of the married guys have cheated on his wife multiple times & the single one goes from woman to woman (married women too). I am 26 & my husband is going to be 31 this month. I do trust my husband, he just makes bad decisions when he is with friends because he's scared they'll call him a p*ssy!

Also I could hang out with 2 of the wives but 1 is pregnant & doesn't want to do much & the other one has 2 kids so it's hard for her to go out...plus her husband don't want her to go out & he never even wants to go out with her as couples!

Answer 1

A little free time is good for both parties, hope you are doing it too.
But if he wants to be with the guys this much he should have stayed single and then he could be with the guys as much as he wanted. Once or twice a year is probably okay for those LONG outings. But on a regular basis this is just disrespectful. If he really likes spending time with them and not you then you should find another person who'd actually like you and who would not feel like they had to run away and pretend that they were still single.
Playing golf takes about 5hrs on a slow Saturday. With travel that could take an hour or more each way if they don't play locally. I'm giving him the benifit of the doubt here. I'd say if he leaves home about 7am there is no reason he couldn't be home by 4pm even if he had a couple beers after golfing. I hope he at least calls and tells you that he will not be home until late. And if he doesn't you should tell him that you will just do the same to him.
Sounds like he isn't really mature enough to be married, perhaps he needs to grow up. Let him know how you feel and just say that he seems to have a lot more fun being with them than you so why not just call it quits before you have kids and end up trapped. You can do better. Start saving money and looking for an apartment, I think you two should seperate for a while and then move on. Good Luck trying to chang him, he doesn't sound like he wants to change, most people never do.

Answer 2

Nope, you are reacting just fine. It's just courtesy to tell you where he's at and how long he's going to be. Saying he's going to play golf with his buddies, fine great, but when he leaves the golf course, would it hurt for him to call and say he's going for a beer and will be late. No, it wouldn't.
Try to find some ways to spend your own time without him. Invite the girls over, or go out with them. This is not payback or revenge, but it will keep you from turning into a basket case every time he forgets to tell you he's going to be gone long.
He should be more sensitive to your feelings. Keep your temper. Don't get fussy or ugly. Be reasonable and calm. Explain why you worry or get upset. Tell him that you care about him. Tell him why you feel the way you do. Don't let yourself get drawn into a fight. If he gets mad, you have to ignore it. Don't get mad back. Simply ask that he take 2 minutes to call to let you know that's he is fine, but going elsewhere. He needs to see that what he is doing is the behavior of a sulky child or a single man. He's not either. Going out all day and night isn't acceptable when you have other responsibilities. He's got a wife and a home that need his attention. Is golfing and drink with his friends more important to him than his wife and home? That's what his behavior says from the way you've described it.
Is there a reason he stays away so much? If so, then he needs to saty a work it out, not run away from it. You need to find out if he's unhappy with you, and if so, why. If it's fixable, then fix it! Don't sit at home expecting him to be perfect while you aren't. Nobody is.
Communication is the key. You need more of it. Maybe you two need counseling.

Answer 3

A guy once told me about the "self-fulfilling prophecy". This means that if you treat him as though he is cheating on you...he will cheat on you. We tend to treat people in a certain way and expect certain behaviors from them.

I do think you are overreacting as well. I have worked with enough men to know that they do make golfing an all day event. I would believe that he did go to his friends after golfing because they were having a guys day out. There are a lot of men who can go out with the guys without cheating.

You can not choose your husbands friends for him either. How long has he been friends with these guys? Where does he know them from? Maybe you can meet the wives and everyone can hang out together sometime, so you can get to know the guys better. Maybe if you knew them, you could trust them more.

Answer 4

TRUST.......it's all about trust. Just because his friends may be loose, doesn't mean he is! Think of how many times your friends got you in trouble when you did nothing wrong in school.

When guys get together they do what guys do, even if it is for a whole day. Be glad he was home by 10pm rather than 2am, and don't press him so hard, if they are all out in a group the ones you know that are single and the married flirt will be sure to get hit on before your husband, even if they were at a bar or club.

If you love him, then that is where the trust comes in, he'll feel it. And he will be glad that you do, if you rave whenever he does something you will push him away....into that silent treatment and one thing you should know about guys, the more apt they are to get blamed for something they're not doing..........

The more apt they are that their going to do it!

Answer 5

O.K. You asked and I am going to answer.
To start with, you sound like a child. Should I LET my husband go out with friends? I don't think you have any choice in this situation. I think if you told him no, he would go anyway.

Do you know the old saying, "you are known by the company you keep"? If these guys are his friends, you have a problem by the way you described them. Let's see, 18 holes of golf with lunch and a break would take maybe five hours, tops?

I am not saying he is cheating, but I wouldn't trust him. He gives you the silent treatment to shift the blame and the guilt. I'll bet you made up to him, didn't you?

How would he feel if you did the same thing to him? You should try it......................

Answer 6

I can see both sides in this situation, but when it comes to relationships I always try to ask myself the age old question "How would I want to be treated?". Wouldn't you be upset if he said hateful things about your friends and asked you not to spend time with them? It is sort of like when you were a teenager and had a curfew, you probably made it in on the dot or a minute before. Then when you outgrew the curfew you came home whenever. Maybe explain to him your concerns from the heart and not from anger. Tell him that you love him and trust him but are a bit jealous when he goes out with these guys because of the crowd they tend to attract and he will probably be more likely to take that into consideration and be a good boy. He may even remember your concern and come home early. When I go out with the girls I am always ready to get home to see my sweetie. Going out and seeing what is available only makes me appreciate him more!

Answer 7

I dont think you trust him. Otherwise you wouldnt get mad. And your phrase "let my husband go out" isnt good either. You are in a married relationship, not a parental one. I was dating a guy who played golf and it is possible to play golf all day. And so what if he went over to a buddies house to drink? I would be more concerned about him driving drunk then being gone all day with friends. You are a golf widow. So either ask him if you can learn to play and go with him, and dont be offended if he says no. Or let it be. Either you trust him or you dont.

Answer 8

Well the 1st one was way too long but the 2nd time sounds about right...........golfing takes along times especially if there is alot of guys playing and after wards they were probably tired and hot and stopped for a beer but he should have called you to tell you what the plans were..........he could have been killed in a freaking car accident and you would have no idea where he is...thats what pisses me off..........so my husband knows to call me.....and so that he doesn't look like a pansy *** in front of his friends i send him a text message so that his friends have no clue that i am checking up on him, but unlike you i like my husbands friends and i trust him with them........they are not sleezy guys.

Answer 9

Not really, maybe you can sit down and talk about if you would like it if you would be gone that long with your friends (single and married) or if it would bother him. Then you could probably make an agreement on the time span that he is gone say for golf only like 6 hours. Good luck and hang in there.

Answer 10

I think that like no one leaves all day long to play golf. The issue here is that you dont trust your husband. Dont say that you dont trust your husbands friends. You are not married to them you are married to your husband. Talk to him and let him know how you feel without yelling and screaming. How would he feel if you would do the same thing.