Me and my husband have two totally different views on sex?

Question

My husband puts sex on a high pedistool, and it isn't really that big of deal to me. No matter how great everything else is between us, he always mentions how he is unhappy because we are not hgaving enough sex.I can cook dinner every night, clean the house every night, and let him hang out with his buddies when ever he wants. How can I get him to realize there is alot more to a marriage and our relationship then sex?

Answer 1

I haven't read all of the answers yet but can I put a different spin on things? Our roles are exactly reversed: I want more of a physical relationship with my husband and he seems to be like you, it doesn't seem to be that important. So I know from my angle, that I need physical affection, and sex is just a part of that. It's the ultimate closeness to someone you love. But men are a different breed. I heard that women (well, most of them) have to be in love in order to make love, but for men it's the opposite....they make love and end up falling in love. And that when they want to make love, more often than not what they're wanting is to be close to you. I know for me, it's just natural for me to want to make love to my husband when I'm feeling close to him.

So it could be that it's not about the sex at all. Could be he doesn't feel close to you. Until recently, the only time my husband would want to spend time with me, being close to me, or physically affectionate with me, was during sex. The only time I heard "I love you" was after sex. For years we never just cuddled or played or flirted or things like that, you know? So of course I craved more sex. For years, I thought I was unhappy with our sex life, but when I really thought about it, I realized that it wasn't our sex life at all--it was our relationship and how close (or not so) that i felt to him. The lack of sex was just a "symptom" and the most noticable at that, so that's what I felt I missed.

Could that be it? Could it be a difference in your physical styles? People show love in very different ways; my husband likes to buy me things and do things for me, while as I'm more emotional, more physical. Touch me, spend time with me.

could be that maybe you're both saying the same thing but in different ways. Could be that even he doesn't realize it.

Answer 2

I think there is no right answer to that one. My ex-husband and I had a VERY active sex life as we were both highly driven in that area and he still strayed. Maybe his appetite should have been a hint..huh.. . I think most women aren't as active as men because we do most of the cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids. So we're exhausted by the end of day. While on the other hand the man is out having drinks, talking about porno with their friends and come home horny! I would make him take care of the house work and cooking for a week. See how much energy he has then and then on top of that don't show any appreciation. Only then maybe he will see how much more there should be to a marriage.

Answer 3

You are absolutely right, there is a lot more to marriage than sex; however a good, mutually satisfying sex life is part of the foundation of a good marriage. Marriage, at best, is a compromise. Your husband should not place unreasonable sexual demands on you, neither should you deny him access to your body just because you feel sex is not a big deal. I don't know if you read the Bible, but I would like to direct you to 1Corinthians, chapter7, verses 3-5 which reads as follows: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband.(4) The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.(5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Them come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Good communication is as important as good sex in a marriage, I hope you and your husband find an acceptable solution that will satisfy you both.

Answer 4

This is a very challenging subject to deal with. Men are very sexual anyway and many associate sex with love, if you don't want sex, you may be making him feel unloved. They also get confused because when we start dating them they get accustomed to a certain frequency of sex. When that frequency declines they have issues with it. Sometimes a decrease in sex can even decrease his self esteem (which will eventually effect your marriage). Do you have sex as often as you always have? Or has that amount declined? If it has declined, then Why? Maybe there are other issues to deal with besides just the frequency of sex.

I am sorry that you are having this issue. But I think you need for find a way to get more involved with him and sex. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Alright females, this may not make sense to you but I will try.
I am the same way as your husband so maybe I can help.

Cleaning the house and cooking is great.... for a housekeeper!
It does nothing when a man feels lonely and unloved.(pay attention here)>>>. This is a leading cause of CHEATING when a man feels undesired my his mate.
How wonderful is it when you find someone who wants you as much as you want them?
If your sex drive has faded towards him, but he still craves you, this is a BIG problem that laundry and cooking won't cure.
NOT EVERY MAN THINKS THAT SEX IS A DIRTY CHORE that needs to be scheduled into your work week.
Trust me, men have more ways to get off than sex with you. So it NOT just about "busting a nut." It's about desire and closeness too.
So please realize he is not asking for a f*ck! He want the highest form of love... FROM YOU. Isn't that nice? and he promised (marriage) that he will only chose YOU to do this with until the day he dies!

If you feel you are FORCING yourself to do this for him, then maybe you should reevaluate your marriage. Why are you with him? Surely there must be more to him than just a paycheck.
Otherwise you need to find a man who you DO desire to be close with.

Answer 6

Well I have tried to figure this one out for quite some time. I havent nailed it out, but between my hubby n I we have sat down and talked about it. When we first got together it was all the time. As time progressed, we slowed down. It wasnt because it was bad by any means, but we just we getting more and more busy. We both knew that he was interested in it WAY more than I was. It was becoming a bigger deal due to we were at first having relations like 4-5 times a day and it got down to 4-5 times a week. I wanted more than just sex.

Through compromise, we have decided on at least every other evening spending SOME type of time together. That way his needs were being met, and i wasnt stressing out from not wanting to do anything. It has been working for some time now. He still gets out with his buddies, cleans and cooks for me, but he realizes that there is more to us than just sex.

If you just plain have no interest in sex, you may want to talk to your doctor- it may be a sign of something going on inside of you.

Good luck!

Answer 7

My concern is that you said that "sex really isn't that big of a deal to me". I realize that levels of sexuallity are different as noses but that fact that everyone needs a nose should give you a hint. This is a need of his and you sound as if he isn't important enough to you to be attentive to his need. You did take a vow of some kind I'm sure when you married and I'm sure the word love was in there some where. We as wives have to be very open and accepting when it comes to marrying. Hell, most of us even change our names as well as many of our views on how things should be at home.
Consider this view: Be accepting of my husband and be attentive of his desires before another woman gets a chance to replace me. If this doesn't sound like the kind of partner you want to be than you have a lot of sorting out to do.

Answer 8

Bottom line is, that although no romantic relationship should be based on sex...an unsatisfying sex life with your partner, can eventually wreck your relationship.

Did y'all not know, prior to marriage, that this discrepancy existed?

Try to come to a compromise if you can...the act should be pleasurable to you both....you shouldn't feel forced, coerced, or obligated...but he shouldn't feel neglected or denied frequently either....

How much is "enough" sex in his eyes and your eyes? Does he want it daily and you are okay with once a week? Or would be he satisfied with once or twice a week and you prefer even less, if any?

Maybe counseling is on order...this is an area of the relationship that needs to be kept healthy...see what you two can work out that is acceptable to you both...don't try to make up in other areas what is lacking in bed, it won't work...

Answer 9

This is normal for the man. He feels that the only way to prove that he is a man is to have sex all the time. Time is the only real way that he will see that sex is not the way a man is a man. Slowly talk to him and let him see that life is about more things than sex. He will figure it out if he is smart and really wants to grow up.
The first ten years of marriage is that way for many men.
Then we wise up and grow up and see that love is not sex but caring for your wife and children!

Answer 10

THIS IS A HARD TOPIC FOR ALOT OF PEOPLE!! MY BF AND I HAVE A PRETTY HEALTHY SEX LIFE BUT I WOULDN'T MIND MORE FROM HIM AT TIMES, SO I AM KINDA IN THE SAME BOAT AS YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR RIGHT THERE IS ALOT MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX BUT......JUST BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU BECAUSE SOME MEN THAT FEEL TURNED DOWN ALL THE TIME TEND TO TURN TO SOMEONE ELSE FOR SEX AND I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT THAT... MAYBE TRY TO COME UP WITH SOME DIFFERENT SEXUAL THINGS, NOT SURE IF YOUR INTO THAT BUT IT REALLY DOES ADD TO THE INTENSITY OF A SEX LIFE...BELIEVE ME!! GOOD LUCK..