I have a very sweet loving fiance but...?

Question

I love this man to death and I am excited to be marrying him. The problem is that he seems to have some very deeply programmed things in his head. When he was growing up (unfortunately his father passed away when he was 14) his father was the final word on all things. His mother, who is a very sweet woman, could 'petition' for things she wanted but his father's final word was law. I was raised in a very open liberal family and I am offended that my fiance seems to think that I should, in the end, do as he says. I'm a grown woman and a hardcore feminist...suggestions on how I can solve this like an adult?

Answer 1

However your partner grew up is going to play out in your own marriage. You're paying attention and that's good. It sounds like you need to think this through a little more. You guys may always bump heads about this issue. I would suggest you guys do ALOT of talking about what each other expects.

Answer 2

I think that might be a very difficult if not an impossible thing to do. It's hard to change someone who has been raised with certain ideas. He is an adult now so his mind and personality are pretty much formed already.
I'm not sure what you could do, because I don't think you can change him. You can't change others - only yourself. So if you can't get yourself to accept his way of thinking you should consider ending the relationship with him. I know that's easier said than done, and I know that you love him. But remember that once you get married things tend to get harder and not easier.

Have you ever talked to him about this issue? Does he know how much it bothers you? If you are a hardcore feminist as you say things are due to explode - there are two extremes that meet in your relationship.

Answer 3

You and he need to have a little talk. If he thinks he is the "captain of the ship" and as a man, he should run the show, so to speak, you and he are never going to get along, because discussion is not going to be an option. And discussion MUST be an option in a relationship/marriage. "Petition???????" God, was the guy raised in the 17th century? Does he know that women have the vote too?? there are three things that make a marriage work: respect, admiration, and passion. If you get to have all three, how lovely. But your resentment will build if negotiation is not part of your relationship. And with resentment, your admiration, respect, and for sure passion will just dissolve in your anger and frustration. You and he need to get into a counseling session together where this is discussed. And do not be shy about your concerns during this session.... If this is not resolved, your marriage cannot succeed, because the guy is living in a dreamworld -- women are no longer treated as chattle, we are equal partners, we are educated, we have always been bright, and we bring down one heck of a lot of money to be added to the family income.. "Obey" is no longer part of the marriage ceremoney, or is he not aware of this???? Until he views you as his future wife as an equal, your marriage cannot succeed. This is a basic deep difference in philosophy, and unless changed, you and he have no chance. Poor guy -- he needs to be brought "kicking and screaming " up to the 21st century. Are you sure you wish to be the one to do it? Are you sure you want this marriage????

Answer 4

Honey you are in trouble. First, let me point out that when you use the 'but' word, you cancel out everything you previously said. Now, to your situation. I have been where you are. My XH's father was exactly how you described. Chances are that your fiance will not change. this is how he was raised to be. Plus, you have to factor in that since his father died at the most prominant time for building a relationship with him then he now has stronger roots/bonds to his father by acting just like him. I tried everything to make my marriage work but he was just too much like his father. I even asked my mother-in-law to have a talk with him and she refused to get involved becasue she said that he was only acting like his fathter (who is deceased) and she lived a long happy marriage with the man and she didn't see my problem. Oh well, I couldn't take it and got divorced. I am a strong, independant, liberated woman and I refuse to let some man (husband, fiance, boyfriend) be my daddy! I have a daddy and I don't need another! Good Luck to you, I'll get off of my soapbox now!

Answer 5

Depends on which takes precedence, feminism or the BIBLE. Man is head of the household silly feminist. Things will always be discussed between the two of you as they are now, I am sure, or you wouldn't be marrying the guy. However you possess the power of persuasion, and the ability to make his life a living hell if he doesn't see things your way. So while he is the true leader per se, you still have a lot of say.

Answer 6

Sounds like me and my husband. His father left when he was three, but his mom was a change of life baby so her ideas are from a woman that was born in 1898. She totally missed the sexual revolution.
Try talking to him about the differences in the way you two feel a relationship should work. You have to explain to him that while you are excited about being partners, you aren't willing to be the quiet submissive one in the relationship. Try counseling if needed.
You sound like two very different people here. While that's not a bad thing, it can be difficult to find a happy compromise. You both are "hardcore" about opposite ends of the same idea. He's an old fashioned, you are ultra modern about marriage roles.
You and he both need to be more flexible. Set some boundaries about what you can decide on yourself, what you need to agree on together, and what is ultimately his decision.
Divide up the household responsibilities evenly and give him final say in his and you get final say in yours, and decide on what is a joint decision. Agree on how and who handles the finances. Evenly distribute the chores so neither one of you is overworked or taken advantage of (I assume you both have jobs on this one). Talk about what he feels is fair and compare it to what you feel is fair.
Examples:

In money, set a limit that neither one of you can spend over before you have to talk it over with the spouse. In my marriage it's $100 for non-necessities. Groceries, clothing, personal care items don't count.

On nights that one of you cooks, the other one cleans up after.

When it's time to redecorate a room, think about who uses the room the most and let that peson pick three or so different colors and styles then talk it over with the other one to narrow it down to one. In our house, every room is mine except the office and his workshop (no brainer there). The living room - that's a joint room.

When it's time to go on vacation and you need to pick a location, each of you make a list of top 5 or 10 choices. Then compare. You'll probably have at least one place in common.

You'll have to make most decisions togeather, but neither one of you should be the dominate one. It ruins a marriage. You both have to give in once in awhile to the other's wishes.

Answer 7

what is so sweet and loving about a man who wants to be the final word in everything. that is a huge red flag and should be addressed before entering into marriage. you two are a team and should work things out together, not one over the other. be careful if you start the marriage out that way it wont change. you need to take a stand now in order to gain his respect

Answer 8

Tell him that you two grew up in different inviorments and that when you grew up it was very liberal. Tell him that you dont like the fact that he thinks you should make his word the law. Also tell him that you dont want to make everything your law or anything like that but that you want you 2 to be able 2 talk and have open mind/freedom or speech conversations. Hope all this helps, good luck have a great wedding have a great life be happy and healthy and i really hope everything works out for the both of u.

Answer 9

This is something that won't be solved easily. I think premarriage counseling will help talk out some of these issues. Definitely work on this before getting married and if he isn't willing to go, go on your own to see if this is something you can accept. Don't expect him to change all of a sudden. It doesn't happen. Also, how strong-willed is your fiance really? If he is really stubborn this will cause an immediate strain on your marriage. You have to decide if you can live this way. Good luck!

Answer 10

You should really reconsider marrying him or in the very least seek counciling before you guys get married. Remember between 30-60% of marriages fail in this country - there is a reason. Choose your spose like you would something very important to you - think long and hard. Ask a lot of questions. If people gave marriage as much consideration as they did buying a house or even planning a wedding, we would have less divorce in our country.