Today should have been my happily ever after.
So why am I do blue?
My day should have been filled with laughter.
Why it's not I haven't a clue.
Today I should have been a wife.
But I had the wrong groom!
He did nothing for me, but leave in my back a knife.
And now I'm filled with a sense of gloom.
Shall I never again smile?
I will have a long way to go.
As I heal I will travel many a mile.
But next time, I will be able to pick out the foe!
I am strong!
If he thought I'd cave,
Then he was very wrong!
For he's the knave!
And with this,
I am done.
And to think, I could have been his,
But now of me, he will get none.
2006-08-09 02:44:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
Please tell me what you think all comments welcome, unless you are going to my down right rude. I can take negative criticism, but don’t be cruel about it okay?
2006-08-09 02:46:11 · update #1
on this thing it did not come out right as to where the lines were supposed to be guess the printing was too big
2006-08-09 02:47:56 · update #2
10 for the artistic impression
10 for optimism
9 for ryme
2006-08-09 02:50:15 · answer #1 · answered by Gersin 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have to agree, you are forcing these rhymes and because of this losing meaning. One piece of advice, never end a line with a word that has very few possibilities of rhyme. Look for synonyms rather than adjusting words to fit the rhyme. Let's take for instance, your second stanza. If you wish to keep the end of the first sentence to be rhyme, then you must adjust your third line. You have so many syllables that force the rhythm out of sync. Drop "in my back a knife", what rhymes with knife and wife and describes conflict? Strife. However, take my words at your discretion, poetry has always been a reflection of the human soul, this poem is your outward expression. (Poetry has other purposes)
I remember a quote which alluded to poems being as diamonds. They all have inherent value. However, it is how well you sculpt the poem with your rhymes and rhythm that determines its value to the consumer.
I do thank you for asking the question, for I will now ask what people think of mine (on Yahoo).
2006-08-09 07:18:30 · answer #2 · answered by silenceheldstill 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very well done. I give it an 8. Maybe a few changes here and there, or a different word. But all in all, don't do a thing. It comes from the heart and well thought out, it seems.
Good luck on more poems, and also your love life.
2006-08-09 02:50:09 · answer #3 · answered by Rayne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, on a 1-10 I would say about a 4.
2006-08-09 02:46:24 · answer #4 · answered by Kain 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to work on some more creative structures for the poem and maybe some more intense vocabulary to give it real feeling. You're on a good start. I recommend that you read LOADS of poetry and learn all the different types of structures so you can make your poems amazing. Good luck. ^_^
2006-08-09 02:49:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the poem is good, and it gets the point across, but i think it's too many words...and i agree with the other person, you are trying to force the rhymn too much. all it needs is a quick clean up and it would be perfect! not being rude, but remember, Rome was not built in a day!...good luck
2006-08-09 02:50:29 · answer #6 · answered by Nygirlgonesouth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not unavoidably ought to rhyme even though it needs to hit my thoughts. i think of readability of expression is substantial besides. i do no longer desire to 2d wager what i'm interpreting approximately. I consistently seem for what I term "poetic gemstones"interior the text textile.
2016-12-14 03:14:53 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think as an outsider its truly hard to read. But to you if it makes sence, and helps you make any sense of your truly sad situation, and helps you sort out your feelings than it's great. Poetry is not just something that is easy to read, or something that makes sense, but just words from the author. Im sorry aobut your situation, and hope you figure things out
2006-08-09 02:50:03 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't worry about rhyme so much. honestly, at points, it sounds kinda cheesy. this would be a really great poem if you used all modern words (i.e. knave...who uses knave nowadays?)
focus on rhythm, NOT rhyme. rhythm is what makes a great poem.
good luck! :-D
2006-08-09 02:52:26 · answer #9 · answered by skyeguitar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would say the following:
if it's any good depends on how old you are...
there were some grammatical errors
rhyming was obviously a conscious effort
keep working on it. everyone has potential. the next time you'll do better
2006-08-09 02:50:29 · answer #10 · answered by Hobo_Hippie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋