step-parenting..why so difficult?

Question

Newly married ( 1 year) and finding things difficult. I have a child from a previous ( living with her mother ) and am now living with my wife who has 5, all from the same ex, 3 of whom live with us. 2 boys, (21 & 18) and a girl aged 19 but with learning difficulties and a degree of cerebral palsy. coping with the demands of these placed on their mother and the consequent effects on us is proving to be a huge strain. any ideas appreciated!

not good news...strain has proved too much for us (me!) and she wants a divorce. I have moved in with mum and dad whilst this is happening. So broken-hearted.

Answer 1

almost sounds like my house...my son ( 12 yrs ) from a previous experience and my husbands daughter ( soon to be 18 ) also with cerebral palsy...she never talks to me...tells everybody that will listen that I'm mean to her ( because I know what she's capable of doing on her own there for I treat her as if she were normal)....etc......when it comes to her in her mind I should not be here....in her mind her mother should be allowed to come back home ( her mother walked out on her and her father for another man )....its very difficult at times to handle the silent treatment but there's also been times where we have had the chance to spend alone times and she opens up...I know its hard for you sweetie trust me I'm right there with you BUT just reaasure all the kids that you are there as there friend....not trying to take place of the parent that isn't around

Answer 2

WOW - well first of all you need a word of encouragement. Not everyone would pledge to love a wife and 5 children for the rest of their lives - especially when dealing with cerebral palsy and learning disabilities with one. You now have a taste of why their real dad left. This is not for a weak person with little integrity that's for sure. Try to remember that your wife is absolutely amazing because she has been coping with these strains and their effects on her own for a long time. Do you think she would leave these children because of that - NEVER!!! With their real dad having left them there are the added emotional insecurity issues as well. No doubt this family needs you more than you realize. You can't fix everything and make it all perfect. What you can do is get to know them and love them. It's like going in and being a house parent for a group of challenged teenagers. I know this great organization where they do just that and they also support families in the area by providing counseling and support. You need to get involved in something like that. Call your local Child and Family Services organization and get connected with help. The girl could use something like a Center for Independent Living where she can volunteer or work part-time. Every state has centers for independent living - look them up in the phone book. It's not going to be easy but it's not always going to feel as difficult as it does right now. You also have to be daddy to the little girl who is living with her mother. If you leave - it will only make things more complicated for you, the children and the woman you recently married. Find help! What's really sad is what happens alot of times is that dad can't deal with having a child with a disability and leaves the family for that reason alone which is very weak and pathetic on his part. I don't know how a man can call himself a man and do things like that. I'd call them more of a weasel - only marrying for the good parts and not accepting reality from the start - which is true of all marriages - that overwhelming challenges can occur. It's never "the prince and princess who lived happily ever after."

Answer 3

They are not kids , they are adults the boys should move out (19 and 21) and the girl with the learning disablility , I am sure there are some group houses that can take care of her . I understand it is gonna be so hard for the mom to put her in a group house but she did whatever she could for 19 years and her life wont get any better .. you should tell your wife that it is time to enjoy rest of her life .. her kids are all grown up now and they dont need her anymore

Answer 4

Hi
It sounds like a very complex situation.

My first reflection would be on the relationship with the ex-es, yours and hers. You and she need to talk about how you feel about the exes. You obviously need to retain contact for the sake of the children. That one strain alone can be enough to break a relationship, so spending time alone - just the two of you - to talk about how you feel about the contacts is vital to prevent any possible jealousy and to build trust between you.

In terms of the kids, you need time to discuss what your roles are. With grown up children in the house, they may not automatically give you respect and see you as being in charge. It needs to be established who is in charge of the household, even with grown up kids - and that should be you and your partner.

I don't know the situation but the 18 and 21 year old should be contributing to the family both financially and practically. They could be doing the babysitting of the younger ones while you and your partner get some space. The two of you should sit down and establish that you two form a partnership not just between the two of you but for the whole household. Otherwise you just don't know where you stand. You are bound to feel (and to be) vulnerable if either the kids or your partner do not consider you to be in some sense in charge of the household. Obviously you are not going to wet nurse the young adults, but they are still in your care and you should still, along with their mother, be in charge of the household.

With regard to the cerebral palsy it is important to remember that this doesn't mean this young adult is stupid. She's spent years working out how to get her way in family life and you are a rookie in understanding the family dynamics as well as in understanding how to communicate with her. When I was growing up, I was the 'sick kid' in our family and it is really easy to wrap people around your finger when you are ill. I don't know if this is your situation, and apologies if it isn't. A person with physical/ learning difficulties needs to be given some extra help, love and attention, but shouldn't be allowed to rule because of their illness.

One last thing, there are several things that add major stress to life. Getting married, having children, moving house are some of the biggest. It's best not to make any major decisions or say things you may regret later while you are feeling under pressure. Best to take your time, think things through, and discuss things carefully and slowly.

I'm a Christian, so I'd say that praying about the issues helps too!

Yours

Chris.

Answer 5

bringing two families together is not easy and it takes alot of work.The 2 of you need to be an united front. don't let the kids take advantage of the situation. The children that are old enough to be on their own need to do just that. ALL children will need to treat the step-parent with respect. You both need to find some downtime to be with each other and not have all of your time revolve around the children. Seek some counseling. Does the 19 yo go to a day program or does she have any other outlet besides you 2? This should be important for her to be around other people. Let me suggest you contact your nearest ARC (association for retarded children) they are great sources for information and support. Good luck to you and don't give up

Answer 6

u guys need a break, some couple time and alone time , and just ask family or friends for help, or maybe join some group that has children with special needs, im sure they could help you all in so many ways.Maybe they can provide a service where someone can come and care for the kids while you 2 go on a holiday, or just so you 2 can go do something for a few hours.. All the best.

Answer 7

These kids are grown. They already have a Dad. You are simply their mother's new husband. I am not trying to lower your position in their lives but it is really up to them what type of relationship they want with you. Don't try to force anything, they will just be upset by it. Instead, offer advice if they need since they are around college age and career wise. Be a friend but don't let them walk all over you. Also, if you can, find a hobby that you can share with each or all of them and try to bond but again, don't push it. Good luck.

Answer 8

I assume the young adults are able to help around the house etc and should be doing so at their age, health etc assumed to be ok.
You are carers ask for a carers assessment from your local social services if you haven't already had one. There are services to help, maybe respite or day care for the 19 yo girl if acceptable. You could get away together for a break if she is cared for, the others should be able to look after themselves. Is there any reason why they cannot stay at their fathers house some of the time? My advice is you cannot continue like this ask for help!! There are carer support groups and workers to assist with any requirements you have regarding yourselves, the 19 yo old or information, care allowances etc. I hope you are claiming DLA for her etc

Answer 9

find time for each other a couple of times a week atleast it will help the both of you mentally and physically. even if it is just the both of you getting something to eat. Strong communication between the both of you will also help ease the stress levels and keep the both of you on the same page. It can and will be tough but together you two can be unbreakable even if there are some rough patches in the road you can tackle them together and this will help you from feeling overwhelmed.

Answer 10

Strangely enough i studied this area for my dissertation at uni. Families are difficult at the best of times but add the fact that you have step children; one with learning difficulties adds greater pressure. the key thing is to have quality time together as a family but also have one night a fortnight ( at least!¬) for you and your wife. iit will give you something to look forward to and enables you to focus on each other (if only for one night!) and leave the rest of life's stresses behind - a short break for the family within the u.k. could also help the family to relax with each other more. hope ths helps!