I´m so hurt even though there was no cheating..?!?

Question

Me and my fiancée have been together for years, have kids toghether, thought that we were always meant to be..then it turns out that he´s fallen for some girl at work(don´t know how long this has been going on), apparently nothing has happened in terms of kissing and so on, but still, just the idea of him "looking" for something else when I thought we had "it all"..he says he is NOT in love with her(even though i´ve seen e-mails sent to her stating this) but i just can´t believe or trust him anymore...i am a very jealous person, we´ve also always had the "porn-sites" issue, him looking saying it doesn´t mean anything..which I think it does, i feel that it´s a comparison and what "normal" person could live up to those standards? Anyone been in my situation?

thank you for the answers (so far), just wanted to also say that this man is REALLY special, have been there for me through thick and thin, but I guess that´s why this hurts even more then...dont know what to do yet, wanted to grow old with this guy, and kinda feels like this might only be the beginning of lack of trust...?!

Answer 1

Could be that a lot of things are overlooked here. For instance, this is totally the wrong place to get advice on the situation as to how to plan your future.. only you aren your finacée can decide that. having said that, you can get insight into how others have reacted and felt. I know that in my own experience love is very easy, but also the hardest thing in the world to feel gratified for. You also say that this man is very special and means so much to you... has he told you that you now mean nothing to him? The relationship's foundations, what were they like? As for porn... the guy is not cheating and everyone likes to look at porn.

Emotional infidelity is something I can understand this being described as, but if he has owned up and taken responsibility for his actions and will work on giving you more attention he deserves a continuance fo trust.

Not only that.

There has to have been some foundation on the whole from your part for his actions. You say you had it all... or you thought you did. Has he ever voiced discrepencies to the contrary?

A Relationship is the most difficult thing in the world. Betrayal is something that can actually be forgiven. What might have happened in this instance is that another person was showingthe affection and kindness he would have prefered to see from you, but can you be 100% sure that you were giving it to him?

Children divide attention, and some women are not as easilly able to devote their attention to their men when kids are in the picture compared with how men can do it.

I also think that you have to look again at the fact that you said this person is REALLY special. If he has read this post, he will know where his place in your heart is. He will know that he has scorned you beyond belief but hopefully he has explained what has gone wrong for this to happen and why he realises you are the one he wants to grow old with.

Take yourself into the picture too, don't forget that he will be expecting you to give him wahtever it was that was missing from the relationship you have. Does he love the children as mucih as you? He might not devote as much time as you would like, but perhaps that's becuase you are home all day and he is at work, and if you had the same opportunity without him being punished for being a steady father, something that very few kids in the world actually have, is something you need.

You need a life outside of the home too, and what's to say that the kids can't be looked after during teh day time while you go and work and maybe they're at school, making it easier... if there are any otehrs not in school.. talk about getting care for those children and get yourself out the door.

It will alleviate stress, give you a chance to meet others and also appreciate what you have with your partner more.

You also need to focus on each other more, you don't talk about how much attention you have given him over the years, but that could be out of guilt knowing that the attention and care doesn't suffice. It also appears from your description of him that he does care soooo much for you and does anything asked of him.. otherwise why comment on him beign REALLY special.

Pain and Anguish cause people to drift apart, and stop speaking to each otehr which leads to further anguish... as I'm sure you can understand.

I think a lot of partners out there, husbands and wives to be, forget after a nubmer of years how to be husbands and wives to each other... and if this was missing from eitehr side form the beginning even in the slightest... or if there is more from one side or the other.... one person in the relationship is going to feel neglected and taken for granted.

But you seem to have come so far, and you have spoken about this. You seem to know more about your partner than most people out there.

Take it one step at a time and see how it goes... you obviously love each other, and there are children born from that love. You owe it to yourselves to be good to each other and make an effort to prevent this kind of thing happening in the future.

Hope this helps... (säger han medans han ler mot dig och blåser en kyss mot den vackraste tjejen han har nånsin lagt ögon på)

Answer 2

Unfortunate situation. It sounds like your fiancee is having an emotional affair . . . something which can be as damaging as a physical affair.

First, regarding porn, I wouldn't worry about him consciously or subconciously comparing you to porn stars. Men are very visual and need to get aroused to get an erection. Enough said about that.

Regarding your situation, if you want to stay with this man you must realize that you are two unique individuals. This could be a wake up call for each of you. The woman at work may seem alluring for various reasons. Is she ambitious? Have dreams? What are your dreams/ambitions? Things change after having kids, I know, but you MUST remember that you two are still unique individuals. What did he fall in love with you for initially?

His falling for another person is inexcusable, you MUST find out why he has fallen . . . be sensitive with him about this even though it may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Find out what it is/was and then look upon yourself to see if that is what may be lacking in your otherwise good relationship.

I wish you the best of luck . . .

Answer 3

That is fine. It is ok to be jealous. Actually, "jealous" is not the right term for it in your position right now, you didn't do anything wrong. This is called "cheating" and that's what your fiance did. It is still considered cheating if your fiance does something behind your back that you aren't aware of it, it doesn't matter what he does, if you don't know about it and you find out, he has cheated. I'm not going to tell you to leave your fiance because that is your decision. When you get tired of your fiance you will end up leaving him naturally anyway. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, not 1.
Obviously, your fiance doesn't respect you or his relationship with you that's why he falls for another woman and he goes and looks at other porn sites.
If you really want to make this relationship work, both of you will have to go to couples counseling TOGETHER. If he doesn't agree to it, then this relationship will fall apart. If your fiance really loves you and is ready to get help about his addiction to porn sites and falling for other women, then he will go with you to counseling.
Do not stay with your fiance because of your kids. Kids are smart. They sense things. They do not want to see both their parents unhappy and fighting all the time. Kids would rather see their parents happy. If their parents are happy, then they will be happy as well. Even if their parents are seperated or divorced. If you have to stay with your fiance for the time being, do not let your kids stay with you in that toxic environment. Let your kids stay with one of your friends or relatives until you work something out with your fiance. You are setting an example for your kids. You are giving them a glimpse of what their future relationships will be like when they get older. If a kid grows up in an abusive environment, there is a high risk that that kid will become the abuser or be in an abusive relationship. The choice is yours.

Answer 4

it's called emotional infidelity and it does hurt just as much as the physical if not more. i've been through this myself but it was me and not my husband. the first thing you two are going to have to do is be completely honest about your relationship. obviously he felt like he was getting something from her that he wasn't getting from you. but that's just the beginning. something had to be wrong (at least from his point of view) long before this girl caught his attention. also he has to be honest about his feelings for her even if he thinks it's going to hurt you. the only way you are going to make it through this is if you start being completely honest with each other about how you feel about everything. you can't worry about hurting feelings. if you can't talk to each other, there's always the possibility that someone else will come along. maybe you need to go to counseling. you can try to work it out on your own. that is possible. my husband and i did and we've finally gotten over what i did. good luck to you and i hope you're able to work things out.

one more thing. some women get all upset about men looking at porn. personally, i don't see anything wrong with it. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or you're not good enough. it just means he likes looking at porn. as long as it's not consuming so much of his time that he doesn't have time for you, then don't worry about it.

Answer 5

Honey if it has gone this far,get out while the getting is good,if you had it all he wouldnt be looking at anything,personally if my man done this to me,he would never do it again,cause this is all it takes and no matter what he says about the other girl,If he hasnt cheated yet,which I doubt,he is getting ready to obviously.I know it hurts like hell but you and your children deserve better than this and if you decide to just put up with it,then what kind of life are you going to have,it will be one of the toughest roads you will ever walk,I've been there,but believe me,you will get over it and there will be something much better at the end of the road

Answer 6

My husband did the same thing to me years ago. We have kids, same situation as you.
Plain and simple, he's allowing someone and something else to invade your space. You have every right to feel the way you do. You're feeling territorial. Nothing wrong with that.
As for the porn, it made me feel awful because I'm not exactly thin to begin with and that's what he was looking at, thin women. I felt like I suddenly wasn't good enough for him.
I felt like my life was crumbling down around me, maybe I just wasn't what he wanted anymore.
But I sat down, thought about it and decided I wasn't going to loose the person I loved so much over something like that. I talked to him and after a few arguments and hurt feelings he redirected his attention towards me.
I had to try a little harder to get his attention, but eventually got it. He let everything else go.
We've been married for 10 years now and I intend to keep it that way.

Answer 7

Sounds like you're in a real predicament. What do you want? Do you trust that he'll be faithful in the future? Only you know the answers to these questions. As far as your friends go, they should support you in whatever you decide. That's what friend do....even if they're not happy with the decisions we make sometimes. They are there for us when we make both good & bad decisions, and then they're there when we fall. Hopefully you have those kind of friends. Why is he calling you nasty names, and accusing you of cheating? Is it because he's trying to excuse his actions? Only you know if you love him enough to forgive him. I hope it works out for you no matter what you choose to do. Goodluck!

Answer 8

Well first off, if he loves you and said he wanted to be with you he shouldn't be talking intimately to females. It sounds like there is more going on that what he is telling you. Does the female know he has been with you for years? Evidently he is deciding rather to leave or not. I would not stand for my husband talking to other women. If I were you, I would sit down and talk to him and tell him if he doesn't quit talking to this woman he will have to leave, and find out what he is wanting. I may be a jealous person to, but in your circumstances, jealousy has nothing to do with it. He has drawn the lines and went outside the relationship which is not right if he was supposed to be committed. My husband would be out the door.

Answer 9

Guys get a lot of emotional energy from sex. Women get it from affection and attention.
When a guy feels out of balance, he will look elsewhere for his energy. (porn, other females).
One thing women don't seem to get is that not all sex gives the same energy. On a scale of 1 to 10:
A bump in the night is worth a 2
Self-love after/during porn is worth a 3
Self-love after flirting with the office flirt is worth a 4
Fun sex with the wife is worth a 5
Fantasy sex with the wife is worth a 6
Fun-fantasy sex with the wife is worth a 7
Romantic night before any of these adds a point.
Total interest in him before any of this adds a point.
Letting him think that any sex with him was really great for you adds a point.

By the way, actual sex with the office flirt is worth between 0 to 2 points depending on the guy.

Do the math. Why do you think all women fear the "ex" more than any other female?
Take advantage of your home-court advantage & redirect his attention to you.

Answer 10

well, i too am trying to win back a woman i cheated on. We fell deep in love and then moved to france together(her home country) where she proceeded to alienate me for months on end because she was depressed. I replied to this by cheating on her and now i am trying to win her back. I think we have both hurt each other badly and now need to forgive and move on. With you, is your boyfriend happy sexually with you? Why the pornsites and emails. When a guy is not happy sexually in a relationship, he will find other ways to stimulate his desires.