Just lately my husband + I have taken a lot of knocks in our relationship. I can't recall anything good he's said to me lately and he picks on me constantly on how I prep food, or where I may leave something, or won't give a straight answer to even a routine question of what's on for work today. I feel he is punishing me as we haven't agreed on an issue of argument, but it is critical to find a truce or this distance between us will widen. I have offered many compromises on the argument issue but am being blanked on that, or compromise not good enough.
I am frightened to ask what's going on with us as gentle attempts to do so before (carefully chosen words to not fall into the nagging trap!) have made him push me away even further. I am very torn up inside and weight plummeting for the worry of it. I told him this too + he seems not to care. I think we have a lot going for us and a beautiful 6m baby but have lost our way. How can I reach him that we're in danger here?
2006-08-08 23:17:00 · 22 answers · asked by sweetpeachmummy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't want any 3rd party help or counseller
2006-08-08 23:21:47 · update #1
if I can give you one bit of advice it is this:
You can only fix problems in a relationship of any kind if both people are committed to doing so to the best of their ability. If you both love eachother, then you should both be motivated to try as best you can.
Nomatter how focused you are on bridging the gap- it can not be bridged unless you both make equal effort.
If this is the case, then you have what you need as a foundation to be able to tackle whatever problem it is that you have. you both need to sit down and look at what you each want to achieve from this effort.
perhaps he wants you to nag him less- just as an example, and perhaps you want him to give you more attention, as another example. Whatever the problem is you need to know what it is you want to be the outcome.
From here you can work out how best to go about getting what you want. You will need to compromise and show good faith, be prepared to both bring something to the table and offer it to the other, agree and stick to the terms you agree to and communicate effectively throughout the process. This is negotiation and an important part of solving conflicts positively.
You should know that couples often have problems in their relationship folloing the birth of a child, and what you are experiencing is quite normal so don't beat yourself up over it.
it could be that third party intervention could help matters for you, if communication truly has broken down entirely. However you can not force him to attend councelling. You could go to Relate on your own and they will probably tell you what I told you. That you can only fix this situation if his is willing to try.
You may find this website helpful if you can't get him to go along to councelling sessions
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/
There are articles on there which should help you, and links to organisations that also may be able to assist
all the best
S
x
2006-08-09 00:21:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are going through. Counselling I guess is a good route but If he is anything like my husband you will never get him there , or to admit that one is needed. I believe you can see them on your own though.
Emotionally the year after having a baby is fraught. He may be having difficulties dealing with the awesome responsibility of it all. and you are probably very tired and could possibly be getting some things out of proportion. You are extremely vulnerable at the moment. My husband couldn't deal with the fact that I was often too tired for sex and at one point said in during a row ' now you have got what you want( baby) you don't need me anymore' He Even had a 'fling' that he was extremely remorseful about afterwards.
There is no concrete advice I can offer, just to say that your relationship has to adjust to this new phase. He is probably as scared as you are but like a lot men finds it difficult to express his feelings and so they come out all the wrong way.
Things will resolve themselves. try to stay positive and don't rise to the petty bickering. I'm sure things will work out. hang on in there.
2006-08-09 06:34:30 · answer #2 · answered by Ellie G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a couple logical, thoughtful and sensitive answers, that are good......
If you feel your marriage is in danger, then it is. Doesnt' matter how big or small the issue is. It's how comfortable you feel with things.
In addition to that, let me say about all those men who dont' want to go to counseling......I had the same problem, with BOTH husbands. BUT.......I went by myself instead!!! He has some issues that he wont' share with you. You both DO need a therapist and they CAN help! If he sees you going alone, and hopefully you find a good therapist........he will see you not only benefiting from it, but you will be able to give him a first hand account of how it goes, and dismiss the myths he has in his head. Also, your therapist will be able to help you get him in there.
The other thing is one simply idea to propose to him, "I believe we are in trouble, and if we ARE in trouble, I am willing to do ANYTHING to fix it. I will go to counseling, stand on my head, eat broccoli for 2 months if it helps. What are YOU willing to do? Aren't YOU willing to do ANYTHING too? If we get in a really bad place here and don't know how to find our way back, it won't be because I didn't try, but it MAY be because YOU didn't try. If you have some other solution besides counseling, please tell me now what it is so I can do it. Prove to me you have a better answer." Say that, with love and tenderness, and see what he says.
2006-08-09 07:16:02 · answer #3 · answered by paintgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay dear, take a deep breath...thats alot to deal with.
Well, his behavior sounds like there may be other issues pressuring him outside the family circle, and his only vent is on you.
But if thats not the case, its important to communicate! and if he's not allowing it, evaluate what his changes have been and when they started. Then perhaps you can approach him when he is in a good mood and dont be afraid to bring it up. Tell him the facts: when this started, how negative you feel he's been, how you love him and are open to discuss any problems he's having.
...another thing comes to mind, if its a matter that is unresolved because a difference of opinion, giving in and forgivness matter more! You already know how to comprimise, maybe its something he feel he needs to do and you may have to just support it happily.
I dont know exactly your business, but i hope you keep trying! If you love this man (and you sound like it) then work on the relationship. Be honest, be loving, be forgiving. I hope it all works out for you.
2006-08-09 06:30:54 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to break this to you, but it sounds like he's already made his decision but doesn't have the guts to tell you he's had enough and wants out. Frankly, he's acting like an **** and the sooner you deal with it head on, the sooner you'll be able to get on with your life, but it sounds like that will be without him.
Of course, having a young baby complicates the issue, but at a guess, I'd say that's his problem. An unwilling, abusive father is a hell of a lot worse than a non existent one - and that may be the choice you end up having to make.
I wish I was wrong - but that's how these things usually pan out. Either way, you've got to pin him down for a bit of straight talking and find out where you stand.
2006-08-09 06:25:10 · answer #5 · answered by lickintonight 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you try marriage counselling? Sounds like you want to work it out, but he's being a pig. He needs to wake up to reality, he has a loving wife and family to look after.
I feel terribly sorry for your situation, especially with a new baby. Take care of yourself.
2006-08-09 06:25:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't mean to be shallow but sex seems to be the problem, with your 6 month baby I bet you're not paying attention to your sexual life. Either that or alcohol excess. Well those are the things that make me grumpy and unreasonable
2006-08-09 06:22:45 · answer #7 · answered by Splishy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pick up his dummie from the floor and give it him back,you already have a child you do not need another, try commenting on thing he does and dont pay any attention to the horrible git, you havent got time for s***
2006-08-09 07:53:22 · answer #8 · answered by mummy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
need to know more about the knocks to help really, i hate it when the wife asks how my day has been, bake him some cookies, give him favors, when hes watching tv, try and be a cute gilfriend type, and stop it with the questions. after a week. just sit down and say, ive been amazing for a week, please tel me whats wrong
2006-08-09 06:34:04 · answer #9 · answered by yeah well 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
does he has stress at work, is there financial freedom, are there any other circumstances, can any of your parents get involved, do you need to rush the decision be patient give some time and tolerance to all of this make mutual approach
2006-08-09 06:25:18 · answer #10 · answered by eurometrix 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋