When do you give up hope a marriage can be saved after trust is lost.?

Question

My wife says she is done, there is no hope for us. She says she can never trust me again after having had contact (communications) with the "other woman". I realized, shortly after having had contact that it was not right and not what I wanted. I tried to cover it up and let the "other women" go gently, so as to not create a situation. Wife found out, other women lied to my wife via txt msgs about our relationship. Wife does not believe it was not physical, and that I was/am committed to me, her, us and our childeren (5 & 7). I believe in us, and our marriage. I realize im resopnsible. I dont want to give up hope, but its very hard when she seems so determined, and talks in absolutes, such as "I can never trust you again." I dont and I didnt want to loose my marriage. When should I give up hope and trying to work things out?

Additional information:

The other women and I did have a physical affair for 2 months, then got caught by my wife. I ended the relationship and had no contact for 5-6 months. Other woman contacted me for work related information. I allowed a dialogue to happen, then I realized.....

Answer 1

First off. It was shitty what you did. Even if it wasn't physical (Which I'm a little critical of). You ofcourse know it was wrong if more took place than what you're telling us. I hope you also understand that even if you didn't have sex with this woman it was still wrong. So when your wife brings up what you've done I hope you don't try to justify it or defend it by saying "But we never had sex I swear". That MAY be the case but it was still wrong. Secondly I wonder how long ago all this took place? You can say sorry five thousand times in five thousand different ways the first day and she won't hear a single one of them while a few days later you may only have to say it once for her to hear you once. She's pissed. She's hurt. As her spouse and partner in life you were supposed to be her rock and now she's shaken. Give her time. Continue trying to patch things up, but don't expect it to get all better over night. It will take time.

Answer 2

There is no hope in marriage only after all communication has stopped and ceased for an extended period of time, I believe. As long as there are still comments, no matter how painful. As long as there is yelling, and tears, and words; there is hope. I praise you for admitting blame, however I would take a look at WHY you did what you did. You are missing something from your relationship with your wife, or you would have not looked for something anywhere else, I feel. What is it that made you keep talking to the other woman? Was it the excitement? What she said to you? Did it make you feel better about yourself? For your wife, figure out WHY you did what you did and then think of ways to fix that within your relationship with your wife. You NEED to let her vent first though; while you ponder. You NEED to give her the time to release all the pain she is feeling, but let her know she can kick, scream and say there is no hope, but until she walks away; YOU ARE THERE NEXT TO HER SIDE. I wish you well and I hope thebest for you and your wife. It sounds to me that there is still great love between you both, you just need to be honest for your relationship, your marriage, yourself. BEST WISHES!

Answer 3

oh it sounds like you definetly hit a wrong button.marrige counseling would help.it will take her a while to forgive and trust you tho. her heart probally felt a break when she found out and has questions going thru her mind that what did she have that she doesn't.You have a hell of a lot of making up to do thats for sure.tell her the situation and put your true feelings into it.let her know that you are so sorry about it and you will do what ever it takes to make it up to her.let her know you love her and you made a big mistake and that you will try doing everything in your power to change her mind and give you another chance.

Answer 4

Have you tried a family counselor?

I've heard that they work well, but my wife would not go to see one with me, when had some problems a couple of years ago. If it's not an option, here's what worked for me:

Sometimes you need to be painfully patient. I totally empathize with you. 2 Years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. We have been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old son together. We could not seem to patch things together. Trust seemed so foreign and completely lost. We couldn't even be in the same room together.

I backed away from her for a while (never moved out). But I started doing extra things, one day at a time to start mending the gaping hole of trust. Extra cleaning, laundry and other charitable tasks. After a few painful weeks, she started to show some signs of forgiveness and trust. Eventually we decided to lay EVERYTHING out on the line. We talked about our most painful secrets- from secret crushes to suicidal thoughts. It was like opening a box of secrets that we had always been afraid to share with each other. We had both hurt each other really badly, but decided to get past it forever.

We decided to make a new plan for the rest of our life. We decided to set some constructive family goals. It sounds really lame, but both of us have gotten really caught up in it. We have set goals on everything from buying a house to having a weekly date night. It's easier to communicate with my wife after having such a near meltdown.

It's possible to get past this, and be completely happy on the other side, but it requires patience and trust from both of you.

Hang in there! Keep your chin up for the kids- It's hardest on them-

Answer 5

this is similar to my situation, my husband started staying up late talking to other women on the internet, then he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore. we tried counselling and he tried to give up the internet chatting but he couldn't. I couldn't take the heartbreak anymore and said it was over. We are separated and he says now he was a fool and regrets everything. Too late for us though. All I can say to you is actions speak louder than words. DO whatever it takes to prove to her you can be trusted. Do not communicate with this person again, remove anything to do with the communciation. Be sincere, tell her you will do anything to prove your commitment. Right now she is hurting and you will have to re-gain her trust. Good luck

Answer 6

You can't do anything to change her mind. That's something she will have to work out on her own.
If you can stay together that long, maybe she will see by your actions that you are sorry and sincerely want to be married to her.
Try not to bring the situation up but if she does, tell her the honest truth and look her in the eye.
That's your best chance. Good luck.

Answer 7

you need to both get counceling..
Its true,, its your fault, you took the trust she had for you and you threw them in the dirt. You did not have the right to go to another woman and betray your wife and kids... you broke it, now you have to fix it. Its up to you to do the fixing.. the details of your affair are compleately irrelevant.. the fact that you had one is the only issue and why.. why did you do it? what are you going to change about YOURSELF to fix it? she has to heal before she can ever trust you again.
If you didnt want to lose your marraige why would you but it in danger then?

Answer 8

first of all why or how could you mess around and not have sex?
what was the point? did she have good conversation? I mean you gave up all of your family and did not have sex! thats very hard to believe if she told you that same story would you believe it? I don't so looks like maybe you should pack it up and hope she takes you in?

Answer 9

You could try counseling, but it sounds like she has her mind made up...If she said she doesn't trust you and believes what the other female said, then there was no trust to begin with.

Answer 10

if you were my husband, you would be long gone. you shouldn't started the affair in the first place, now you still contact her? there is no good reason for what you did. i feel sorry for your wife, she must be heart broken.