why is this all my friends (both online and where i live) seem to think im the one who is supposed to listen to their problems and all that crap
like i have one friend...we'll call her J, litterally for a month straight all she talked to me about was how her and her boyfriend werent talking enough...this friend even had the nerve to try and get me to help her with her relationship problems while my relationship was falling down around me
another friend...well call her T, same thing but at least she can have some normal conversations sometimes...alot of the time im just helping her with relationship problems
another friend, we'll call him D, he calls me every time him and his dad get in a fight (but if i did this to him he'd call me a pussy)
now its not just these three, its a vast majority of my friends...even ones im not that close to, these are just three of the most extreme cases
my question is this:
Why do they think im supposed to be their therapist
What can i do to stop it?
2006-08-08
18:23:55
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14 answers
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asked by
Ethernaut
6
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Friends
i can add more details if needed (like other situations and stuff)
2006-08-08
18:24:29 ·
update #1
Hum..that's a tough one. Maybe you can take it as a compliment as that they believe you have a lot of good answer to life's difficult problems. Maybe a way to stop this would be to dominate the conversation more steering it away from their problems. Do you not talk about your own problems with anyone? If you don't maybe they think you are problem free because you know how to deal with things. You could try answering their problems with a similar problem of your own. You could try finding some new friends, maybe you are only friends with people who have a dependent personality type. It must be difficult always having to listen to others problems. I'm a psychology major and when people find that out they always say "Oh good now you can fix me!" I usually tell them you actually can't be a psychologist until you get some kind of masters or PhD degree. That keeps 'em quite.
2006-08-08 18:34:10
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answer #1
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answered by I_am_Here_and_Happy 3
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You have to tell them that you aren't their therapist. You have to lay it on the line for them.
You have conditioned this behavior in all of them. You have let them use you as a therapist. If you allow this behavior, why would you expect them to behave any differently?
If you let someone call all the time and complain about their relationship and never say, "You know, I'm sorry your relationship sucks. I'm sure you are feeling really lousy right now. If you would talk to your boyfriend about these problems instead of me, you may be able to fix the relationship" or if you at least say, "I'm sorry your relationship sucks but I can't fix it, you have to" then they may start to get the picture that you aren't willing/able to help all the time.
When it comes to stopping being the resident therapist, use what is known as the S.E.T. principal: Sympathy, Empathy, Truth. Tell them you're sorry they feel bummed (Sympathy). Tell them you're certain they must feel absolutely awful about *insert subject here* (Empathy). And them tell them that they are responsible for their feelings/actions/relationships and they are the only ones who can fix it (Truth). Then tell them to think about that for a while and then get off the phone.
Use this principal with all the friends that use you as a therapist and start worrying about yourself and taking care of your needs first. Stop picking up all of their messes. Just be there as a friend for a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
Good luck.
2006-08-09 01:34:56
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answer #2
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answered by Lanie Janie 2
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Well why they think that, simply put, is you're probably a good listener. Now if you listen, and just say, that's nice, well that's one thing. If however you go into a solution mode, then that's another. Unless you're qualified to give them an answer, give them the next best thing. That would be instructions to call a good therapist. Then...call it a day.
2006-08-17 01:27:22
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answer #3
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answered by bobmartin333 1
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Darlin...I do not know your age though I can tell you as an RN.....Been there and done it! You may be frustrated because you are giving the advice when sometimes you need the help and listener for you too. My advice to you is that I am guessing you are giving yourself too much to others that are needy when you also need the reciprocation. Life does not always work that way (from experience) BUT....you sound very intelligent...try for once to focas on yourself and just let their problems work themselves out. Time is the healer and we all from timt to time hurt..need advice ...and move on. Do not let them have you dwell and their issues. Take care and hope you get this.
M
2006-08-17 01:21:29
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answer #4
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answered by mikki36532 1
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Well it seems to me that you at least pretend to be a good listener, so people feel good around you and ask your advice, maybe because they look up to you. But if you really want this to stop, be honest and say to them next time: "Man, you know what? I really don't give a rats a$$ what's happening to you! I'm not a therapist." I'm pretty sure they won't bother you again!
2006-08-09 01:29:34
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answer #5
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answered by munich13 2
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OHH MMY GGOOSHHH! Did you just read my mind!?!?!?
LET ME TELL YOU!
My friends do that to me ALLL THE FREAKIN TIME! I have actually earned the name, Dr. Phil! GOSH! Like...I dont mind when your my best friend, and you ask for my advice! Thats totally fine!
But ALL my friends come to me with EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM! Like...dont you have parents, or gee...I dont know..A REAL THERAPIST!?
Like...my advice can only go so far, and people tell me all this DEEP personal stuff, and gross stuff..like I DONT WANNA KNOW!
And one of my friends IM's ME EVERY SINGLE DAY and tells me about ALLLLL his problems and how mad he is and yadda yadda yadda!
I just get so annoyed!
And if I have a problem...NO ONE IS EVER THERE!
And one of my friends likes to think that her life is SO HORRIBLE and so EVERYTIME I see her...all we talk about is her crap! Which isnt even bad! So if I have a REAL problem, she will be like...O WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT you never have problems!
Im like YEA COS YOU NEVER GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TELL YOU!
So Im done with that!
So yea..this is a REALLY long complicated answer! SORRY! LOL!
But I was just amazed that you totally think that too!
2006-08-09 01:32:57
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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It seems like your friends depend on you too much and that is getting hard for you. You must be a very sympathetic person.
Try telling these friends that you could use a little support too. If they are real friends, things will improve.
Good luck to you.
2006-08-15 13:24:49
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answer #7
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answered by Patti C 7
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people are very self centered but it sounds to me like your a very good listener and very good friend , you should feel complemented that they would come to you for your advice and just if it gets to much just simply tell them in the nicest way possible , something like ya know this is just really not a good time , I am dealing with to much to try to take on anymore stress right now and eventually they will stop hopefully , good luck , you sound like a very sweet friend to have , be proud of yourself for listening to them and god bless , and good luck to ya
2006-08-09 01:34:27
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answer #8
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answered by rdwncndy 1
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You must be a good listener. There are so many that don't care and they see some good things in you. So you know what you are the one to choose and if you don't like it find something else to do.
2006-08-16 21:47:55
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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i know just how you feel , I'm in the same situation myself . everybody i know comes to me all the time wanting to tell me all there problems and expect me to solve them , and sometimes i get depressed because when i need a hear or shoulders no one is there for me I'm just as frustrated as you are i love my family and friends but i wished sometimes that they would consider me too fro a change
2006-08-16 12:50:25
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answer #10
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answered by sexyswells42 4
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