How do I overcome my the pain?

Question

I went through a sad and painfull divorce about a year ago. The marriage ended due to my husband having an affair with a co-worker.
We tried to work things out by dating again and going to therapy. Nothing worked...he was still "seeing' her and talking to her.
So things between us have drug out along time now.
My question is...now that he and his mistress are officially together and openly dating, how do I deal with the hurt and the possibility of them eventually marrying. I have a child with this man and it is killing me that this women is spending time with my child and sharing time with my child now. How do I be strong enough to deal with such aching pain? This is someone I feel has taken away everything I lived for. My home, my husband, and my child.
Sarrow... Kelly1

Answer 1

Dear Kelly,
My heart aches for you. I went through this too. It was the worst time of my life. My girls were older, so I didn't have to deal with that, but the pain was so hard. It takes a very long time to get better. From my experience I would recommend the following:1. Find a support group- you need others to talk to- especially when you are really down and sad. 2. If you have family, lean on them for support and encouragement too 3. If you are a person of faith, pray and go to church 4. A book which really helped me a LOT was "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" by Michelle McKinney Hammond. It is worth buying- I think it saved my life.

I will be divorced 3 years soon, and I can't tell you that all the hurt is gone. I can tell you that I have a new life, in a new condo, in a new town, and LOTS of new friends. I loved my husband more than life, but I have come to realize that he is not that man anymore. I grieve that loss, but just as when someone dies- we have to go on. I wish you the best of luck and for strength to go on in the face of the unbearable pain that is divorce and betrayal,

Answer 2

Kelly,
So sorry to hear of your hardships. There is nothing for it except to live through it and learn.
You are grieving for the loss of the relationship. It is like a death. The worst part is it is a hard parting.
I agree with Twiggy. Try the things she has suggested. It may help. Don't dwell on the past or let anger and resentment ruin your life.
Don't blame yourself or feel unworthy of love either. You deserve happiness, and this may be the cosmos' way of steering you in the right direction to finding it.
And don't use your child against him either. I understand how hard it will be to see your child go to the other woman's to visit. But, it will only cause resentment in the child against you when they get older. The truth will come out sooner or later and your child will be able to make up their own mind about the situation and how to deal with it in their own life. Have no fear, YOU will always be MOM.

Answer 3

I take something called feminax which is a combination of slightly stronger pain killers than paracetemol and a small amount of a muscle relaxant. If you are at home you could try lying a warm hot water bottle across your tummy to relax the muscles or if you are out and about you can get special heat pads from chemists. It is also a good idea to have something to eat as well to give the tummy muscles somthing else to do rather than cramping. If you feel the pain is getting to much it may be worth a trip to the doc to either get some muscle relaxants, stronger painkillers, or to possibly go on the pill.

Answer 4

That is real difficult. It would be easier if a child was not involved, but being there is, you have to accept it and deal with it. I can't imagine having to do that. I understand you feel she is responsible, but your ex is responsible too. It's easy to blame the other women, but in saying that, she knew he was married and still pursued him. I really think you need to find you a group to join. A divorced group or even consider therapy. Therapist have a lot of suggestions to give to deal with pain, anger, resentment, all the things that go along with divorce. I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish you a good life. Bless you.

Answer 5

My sympathy, Kelly... I know are you feeling so heartache but you need to pull yourself stronger.

Have you figure out what are your weakness when you try to compare with the mistress? Is she more attractive and communicative with your husband than you? If the answer is "YES", then the problem lies in you. Have you make any efforts in grooming yourself and improve your self-confidence? Perhaps you lack of confidence which ends up losing to another woman.

Now, you have gone a divorce a year ago which your ex-husband has every right to date with any woman. I do not understand why you also lose your child custody to him, maybe perhaps you did not do your homework well which ends up a loser. Kelly, please stop your despairs and work out a positive changing in yourself.

1)Talk to your lawyer and seek advise how to win back your child custody (this is to prevent any child abusing from other woman / stepmum).

2) Settle down your accommodation. If the house title under both you and your ex-husband, tell your lawyer that you need a roof for sunny & rainy and demands from him at all costs.

3) You are his lawfully wife and has every right to claim his properties. Demand and claim from him at all costs. Do not be soft-hearted.

4) Find a job for your stable income. This is to support your child's living as well to yourself. Although you would claim a monthly paid from your ex-husband, but that would not be sufficient.

5) Change your insurance beneficiary to your next close kin - your mother or anyone you could be trusted.

6) Once you have settle down all priorities issues, spare some time for your personal grooming - have new hairdo, dress up, firm up your physical fitness. You will notice a new change and slowly it will brings back the attentions from your ex. Believe me, it works.

Kelly, I do not know who are you but I'm truly feel sorry for your unfortunates and wish to lend you a helping hand, unfortunately, this needs your own courage to stand on your own feet. I wish you start afresh and things will be changed better. God Bless you..

Answer 6

This man you do not want back I assure you. He has hurt you in ways that no one should have to endure. I went through pretty much the same. I never understood the other woman thing but he never married that one.
child being with his girlfriend & him can only be changed through court, it would have to show there may be danger for the child. I want to assure you your child will always put you first and love you....that will never stop. Get an attorney now if you do not have one. You and your child need protection for your rights, the childs rights etc. Do it now before more time passes.

Answer 7

I understand your feelings because it went through the same situation. I described it as having another woman walk in and take over my role. I was the odd man out.

It took me two years to get over it. You have to be brave and put on a smile for the world to think you are OK, but inside you are tied up in knots. You have to understand that saying anything in front of the child will only make you look worse.

I found a church that had a divorce support group. I met with this group for two years before I felt like myself again. I hope you can check around and find something similar.

Answer 8

Do things that you have always wanted to do for yourself to get your mind off him....take a dance class, learn a new sport......nights are the hardest times, but think of all the freedom you have now....can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who didn't respect their wife and mother of their child enough not to mess around with someone else!! it's hard b/c you remember the man he was that made you fall in love with him, but realize he is no longer that person and never will be.....focus on the great times to have with your child....use your supports to get you through this (friends, family) and if necessary, contact a therapist to talk about your feelings...no need to rush into dating...figure out who you are and be happy with that first

Answer 9

I agree with what others have said... in not so many words, they've said..... stop concentrating on them, and start concentrating on you.

Go find out what YOU like to do for fun. Go try new things.... Make you a better you.

Go find out what you want in a partner, and become the type of person that person would want to be with.

I've been through a similar experiece that you are going through. You just have to feel the pain, then get on with your life. It never really goes away, but it can control you don't get out there and continue with your life.

Answer 10

the more people that love your child and spend time with your child the better, makes for a solid loved child and inturn a stable adult.

regarding the pain - your hubby's a pig, and you should be happy he's gone to allow you the chance to now meet a good guy that will treat you right and share a real life with you.