I do not want to let people control my life anymore, but I am scared...?

Question

When I was 14 almost 4 years ago, my parents pressured me into getting a girlfriend. Now only a few days until I turn 18 they and my girlfriend are trying to pressure me into marriage. But I cannot see myself happy with her, or any female either...

I am also in love with my best friend, who has said he loves me. But I am too scared to live my own life, I worry too much about pleasing my parents... I also worry they might get more violent that they already are to me....

Any advice on how I can come out of this ALIVE, living my life as I want?

Answer 1

Forget about your parents and do what you think is right for you, and you will be happy.

It will be unfamiliar and scary at first, but that passes.

If you and your best friend feel the same way about eachother, try to start a life together. Get jobs and you should be able to afford your own place in a short amount of time.

Answer 2

Hi Sean,
I don't know if all of us armchair psychologists' advice really helps or not, but I'll give it a go for you...
The absolute first thing to do is to let your girlfriend down easy... the truth is that she probably has her own suspicions anyway. Whether you spend too much time with your best friend or simply talk about him too much... trust me, she probably has her suspicions. Remember that she really hasn't done anything wrong, and will have hurt feelings so be as gentle as possible. Tell her the truth, and don't hold back. If she is truly a friend, she will not abandon you, and may even come through as an ally against your parents. Girls are generally more mature than guys and she will see that if you married her, you would ruin your life, her life and possibly your childrens' lives. So don't even go there.
Take a deep breath, cause you are not home free yet... Now since you are going to be 18, and I'm guessing you may be going away to college. Get your best friend to join you at college, preferably away from home. The 2 of you could be roommates, explore your relationship with each other and see if you are even compatible. When you go home for the holidays, invite him over, and maybe visit at his parents' house. You don't really have to tell mom & dad... do they tell you what they do to each other in the bedroom? I hope not, but why should you have to tell them.... you don't. Eventually they will catch on... and remember regardless of what they say, they will always love you.
It wasn't so long ago that I was in the same situation. After I came home from college, I just never found the right woman, so I did happen to find the right man, and we've been together on & off for 13 years. Good Luck to you, and if you still need help, just ask....

Answer 3

Hi, this is a sad tale, as you are still young it probably makes the situation worse, I am quite sure that if and when you tell your parents that they will say that this is just a phase you are going through. I am amazed that they are already trying to pressurise you into marrying your girlfriend - you are only 18 years of age! With maturity you will realise that you owe it to yourself to live your life as you want to. If you are 100% sure about your sexuality then you must " come out ", please remember that a parents love is supposed to be unconditional, if they are not prepared to love you as you are then I am afraid that you will have to make the choice whether you abandon them. There are many clubs for gays, why not visit one, you will meet many new friends who will understand exactly the problems you face and will be happy to give you all the support you need. You will no longer feel scared to live your own life. Your parents actually sound very selfish, they should be worrying about pleasing you not the other way round. I am also really horrified to hear that they are violent towards you and that when you tell them the truth you are afraid that they will be even more violent towards you, you must not allow this to happen, they do not deserve to have such a caring son. You mention that you love your friend and that he also loves you, maybe he would stand by your side when you eventually tell them, at least you'll be safer doing it that way.
I wish you so much happiness, you are probably going to experience a few bad moments when you tell folk, however if your parents threaten you, please call the police. You do not deserve to be treated like this by them, remember that you can chose your friends but not your family. True friends will love you whatever your sexuality, " friends" that don't aren't really friends at all.
With regards to your " forced upon you girlfriend , you must finish this immediately in the kindest most honest way possible, hopefully you will be able to remain friends with her.

Answer 4

No matter what, you are WAY too young for marriage. Neither you, nor your girlfriend even know for sure who and what you are yet... how can you pledge your lives together for ever? Only a person who fully understands the scope of those promises should make them.

First I would end the relationship with the girlfriend. Say you don't think it is right to get married so young and that if you are pressured to do so, you will feel alienated. Inform your parents that you understand their hopes and desires, however you cannot make a lifelong commitment because of THEIR hopes and desires. Tell them you don't think it would be fair to your girlfriend to make that decision at this point in your life.

Do not tell them about your "boyfriend" until you are financially independent. As long as you need them for a place to live, food, and other expenses they don't need to know. It will be hard enough when you tell them you don't want to get married.

Answer 5

Hi sean.

First things first, this is your life. Your parents may have brought you into this world, but they cannot force your into living your life their way. This is your life to make. You have to make your own choices and live with whatever good or bad reprocussions come from it.

Second, if you do not feel you could love this woman, you need to tell her. Forget about your parents for this moment, and think deep about how you truely feel. If you cannot see yourself with this woman for the rest of your life, then its time to let her go.

It sounds as though you truely like this other person, and that you could end up in a relationship with them if you were single. Again, do not worry about your parents, Its time you live your very own life for once Sean. You say you are worried about pleasing your parents, i can understand that, but there comes a time where you need to please yourself. This is your life, take control of it and have some fun. Go and do what your truely believe is right for you.

Take care and I wish you all the best,

Josh W.
Auckland,
New Zealand

Answer 6

Well you're about to be grown, but if you still stay with your parents and they are anti-gay, I suggest you wait until you are able to make it on your own to realy come out. In the meantime, tell your parents and your girlfriend, in the nicest way possible, that you are not ready to get married and that you are way too young. Try to do this without making them violent. As for your best friend loving you, if it's in a romantic way, congrats, it is very hard to find someone who you love who feels the same way. I suggest that if you want, try to meet him as secretly as possible, but if you think you may get caught, do not do it. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that your parents possibly sensed that you are gay, and that's why they want you to have a girl, and now a wife. I think that is very wrong. The most important thing you need to do is focus on becoming independent, so you do not have to worry about your parents telling you how to live your life or abusing you because life is too short to be living life someone else's way.

Answer 7

Baby steps.

First finish with your girlfriend (tell her whatever you want to do this). This will give you a bit of breathing space (no marriage looming).

Next upon turning 18, look to get a job - anything; so that you can start putting money by in order to be able to finance your own life.

As soon as you are able, move out of your parents house.

Then start living your life. Once you have built a network of friends around you, you can take the final step of telling you parents why you won't be getting married to a girl...

My thoughts are with you.

Best wishes

Answer 8

First deal with your own guilt what ever that may be, then confront your parents on how you want to live your life not how they want you to live your life, If you think you are Gay then confront them on that to you can not hide what you are be true to your self and stand up for you and go for what ever life style you chose, you do not have to be scared that will only hold you back, you are only 18 so go find your self first and stay the hell away from any marriage straight or Gay until you do. Life is wonderful however you live it.

Answer 9

Not sure how to help but you have to do what you feel is right. in the long run it would be much worse if you do marry her and you are gay. you turn 18 in a few days. you will probably be moving out on your own then. do what you can to not marry her right away. and then once you are established on your own and in your own place do what you feel is best for you. even if it is dump her. you can even do that sooner. although i cannot say much i am not out to my family either and i am going to be 25 in a month.
Follow your heart it will lead you to where you want to be. if it is with your best friend the that is where you will end up.
good luck

Answer 10

Don't you dare marry that girl. You will only cause her pain. If you are 18, you can make your own decisions. Your parents can not decide for you who you're going to spend your life with. It's up to you, now. And if your parents are really violent, you need to get out of there. Don't wait.