How can I stop my husbands ex from riding my last nerve?

Question

My husband and I have full custody of his child from a previous marriage. The ex is an emotional fruitcake who wants to be her childs best friend instead of mother. When the child visits the mother there are no rules, no sleep, and she constantly bribes the child with clothes, fast food and candy. I have raised this child for the last year, and work very hard to make sure that she is well behaved, healthy and happy, but I am finding it harder and harder to compete with the "good mom" who lets her run wild. Today was a tough day, the child has recently come back from a visit with her mom and you know how that goes, its takes forever for her to readjust and behave again, so she has been in trouble quite a few times, finally at the end of the night, her mom called and she cried saying that she wants her. I know its not her fault but I get so mad. Her mom makes her a mess and leaves us to deal with it and we look like the big bad mean guys. What would you do? We have tried to talk to her..

Dad works long hours so I can stay home. We also have a son and a baby on the way....

LOL, I wish I could kick her butt.... My husband is fighting her BIG time in court, she actually want full custody which is a joke. She thinks the child is a Baby Alive Doll.... Not a human that requires dedication and constant reinforcement to raise

you are wrong dadgonewild.....I KNOW it is not about ME. We have facilitated an amicable relationship with this women and she wants nothing to do with it. We NEVER EVER talk bad about her mom in front of her, yet the reverse IS NOT TRUE. I keep this child out of it, but her mother constantly puts her in the drama by saying terrible things about this. How can I not get involved when I dedicated myself to help raise this child with morals and values when her "real" mom failed to do so? So I stay out of teaching her to be a productive, responsible human being as well?

Good lord, my husband is the FARTHEST thing from abusive. I call her a fruitcake because she has demonstarted to ME a very unstable emotional state. She keeps changing her mind and is a compulsive liar. My husband is an awesome man who is a FANTASTIC dad and stood up to the plate when mom ditched her daughter

He DIDNT TAKE HER AWAY, she GAVE her away

Answer 1

Hey its perfectly normal scenario.She is trying to mess up what all u tried to cultivate in that girl.Why dont u talk to your husband about this?by now he must have realized who is right.anyway dont leave it at that. why dont u relax a little bit have some fun with her. like take her out do some shopping involving her say her clothes,her stationary,talk about latest fashions tell her she looks good in some clothes and colors and get her a makeover after asking her suggestions.
hey her mom knows your way is the right way she is feeling insecure about that and doing opposite with the kid to show she can get her to like her.to be frank even the kid knows u are right and her mom is wrong.she may not admit it.
Why dont u try this too?send the kid to be with her mom . her mom will let her loose and sooner or later the kid will feel u are right and come back by herself. hey her mom can do these things when the kid visits.she cannot keep doing it when the kid is with her forever.send her to her mom;s for some time she will also realize who is right and wrong.

Answer 2

There is a whole lot to answer in your question. First, ex's will always be an issue I feel mostly because you succeeded where they failed. It's like they don't think the one they divorced should possibly ever find anyone else. Next, if you are only talking about barettes, be glad it's something so small. Big deal, go to Walmart, Dollar Tree, etc and grab some more. An extra couple of bucks here or there is very little to trade off for making yourself go crazy over it. Why and when is she "very rude" to your daughter? Why does she have any time to be that way? Don't let the occasion exist for ex to be rude to your daughter. Best advice I can give, sit back and find a reason to laugh at the silliness of situation. The more that you want to fight back or try to, the more the ex will find to "ruffle you". Think of it this way, if a cow patty sits in a field and dries, it doesn't stink after a while. But if you go and mess with it and stir it up....it continues to stink. Be patient, focus on your family and what's important there. Good luck!

Answer 3

Stop it!
stop putting the child in the middle of the mess! I know you think this is about the child but it isn't. It's about you and you only.

Mom lost "poppy" and you got him, she's not gonna loose her child that you apparently had for the last year. She's not thinking about what's best for the child, she's thinking that you are not going to win. If baby girl told mommy that she hated you, it would make mommy's day ....wouldn't it?

Stand by your husband and support his view on this. His job is to make the transition from visitations go smooth. Take a half step back and let him deal with this issue.

The child nor your hubby is at fault, so don't allow outside interference to cloud your vision!

Answer 4

I know where your are coming from. I met my husband when he was 22 and he had custody of his 15 month old son. We married when his son was 3.5 yrs. The "mom" only had one overnight extended visit when child was 6. Other than that like you said her son was her "baby" when she wanted one, she wanted phone calls on her b-day and x-mas but never called him. Sent him bad checks for birthday (months late of course) Then out of the blue when child was 9 years old we got adoption papers in the mail for me to formally adopt him. We finalized the adoption and we allowed her once ever 12 month phone calls and we allowed her a dinner with him here and there. When he was 12 she pretty much went away, no more calls, no nothing, we didn't look for her. But low and behold our son turned 19 and here comes "REAL MOMMY" It is a nightmare. Like you we never said anything about her never needed to she wasnt there. But now the things she is telling him are awlful. She borrow money from him. I guess what I am getting at is this won't end at least form my view. We thought we did what was right, but my son is still getting the short end and still getting hurt by this selfish person that had him. Good Luck .... I am not sure what to say maybe counseling for all involved.....

Answer 5

That is awful that soooo many parents do that to one another. I was in the same situation a few years back. We just told the kids that we have our rules and mommy has hers. Look around. See where you are and act accordingly. It is soo hard for kids to see what is really going on. I mean what kids wants to stay somewhere where there are rules? Like you said it isn't the childs fault. Just be patient with the child. When she gets older she will start to understand. Good luck.

Answer 6

Believe it or not, the mom she will remember most, will be you. My friend became a step mom to a little girl whose mother was an emotional fruitcake also (she got arrested while she had the child for an unsupervised visit). As your step-daughter gets older she will cherish the rules and hate the freedom. Give her time and love her. It is tough and you deserve a lot of credit.

Answer 7

Growing up with a step mother then becoming one my self i know that i really sucks some times. just remimber that you are doing the right thing. and when your having a really bad day that it to god. he is the best. if not god then go talk to you mother. you might want to tell her that you are sorry for all the things you did when you were a kid. just think you were a teen at one time to.

Answer 8

Where is the father in all this?- he is the parent and should be doing the parenting work- your there as support since your not the mother---did he marry you so he wouldn't have to hire a nanny--

Answer 9

Its called baggage when you marry a divorced man with kids you just have to some how learn to deal with the baggage that comes with it.

Answer 10

i know exactly what you mean, i had the same situation, but luckily for me my ex just decided to disapear on her own, don't know how to help you solve your situation unless you can make her disapear or something