Why do we cling to that which robs us?

Question

I was recalling the story A Rose For Emily earlier when I remembered the narrator saying, "We tend to cling to that which robs us."

I know this must be true - it's seen in tons of cases with children who grow up to be like the harasser they lived with or were abused by or people growing up to marry others who are like that.

But why do we do it? What would be some sensible answers as to why we tend to cling to that which robs us?

Answer 1

I am blown away by the depth of your question. There is no way to apoproach this issue without jumping in the abyss. You are wrsestling with this, I assume, on a personal level as well as intellectual, as am I. Why, then, do we do it?

I have heard it said, and also personally observed, that the child gravitates toward the abusive parent. The reasons for this are speculative, but I do have a theory. There are no consequences to the child for rejection of the non-abusive parent. If you truly love your child, you can't bear to see them suffer, even if it means personal sacrifice. The child knows this, and knows you'll be there no matter what. The abusive parent, on the other hand, offers conditional love, that can and will be withdrawn in an instant. This is too much for the mind of a child, so to insulate themselves from the unbearable pain of rejection, they "behave", assuming behavior patterns that are warped, but "safe".

The child one day becomes an adult, but these patterns are often ingrained at a time in development where the brain is grabbing information at lightning pace and forming permmanent chemical markers. Even though the abusive parent may be deceased or far away, their imprint is seemingly indelible. Thus, the pattern of behavior often continues into the next generation.

I have had the good fortune to overcome many of the emotional barriers that imprisoned me, so I know it is not a lifetime sentence. You have done me a great favor this evening by causing me to plunge in and face these scary monsters once again. They seem to diminish bit by bit with exposure.

Here is an article of interest:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20030507-000002&page=1

God bless you.

Answer 2

That i happily cannot answer you because I ran from it. Abuse begets abuse only if you let it or if it is a personality trait you cannot help.

Answer 3

it is our innate desire to love and to love someone impossible we have to strive to be like them to love ourselves to understand.
We are at choice and can choose which qualities we adopt into our expression. The more we see the more choices we have.