no matter what i do my husband says he trusts me but he is trying to catch me cheating. what should i do?

Question

he is constantly tryng to catch me cheating. he even emailed himself using another name saying i was cheating on him. then use the line " if there is anything you need to tell me i'm all ears, this is the time to tell me". im tired of it, he says its because he has been cheated on before. we have together for 4 years and even share children. im so hurt that he is trying to catch me at something ive never done or thought of... im soo tired of it. when is enough enough?

Answer 1

I think that enough is enough right now. Tell him that trust is a choice...you either trust or you don't..that's what my therapist told me years ago. The funny thing is about people who are so insecure that they think their spouses will cheat is that they have a better chance of their spouse being faithful when they trust and don't try to catch them up...because people get tired of it, and the attitude becomes...I guess I might as well cheat, he already doesn't trust me. Not saying "you" would do this, but I mean..I have heard of that time and time again. I would tell him that the more he trusts you, the more you will want to stay faithful. Tell him that the more he checks up on you...the more you feel like you should be hiding things that aren't even anything to be ashamed of. Therefore, his actions will eventually cause you to not trust him. He is setting both of you up to get hurt in my opinion. Good luck..hope this helps!

Answer 2

Just because he is paranoid that your cheating does NOT mean he is cheating.

I have been in his position and I can tell you this can genuinely come from hurt and fear and not always from a guilty conciounce.

I mean just look at all the "cheat" references all over the place - it seems like everybody is cheating going by the tabloids, and various news pages etc...

It does mean thougth that he does NOT trust you - either from paranoia or a guilty concience.

As far as what to do about it.

Easy - sit him down, look him straight in the eyes, and tell him that you would never do that because you love him but you are starting to get paranoid because of his paranoia and it has to stop.

Then ask him - does he have anything to tell you?

Watch his face for clues. =-)

If it still dont stop then ask him to see a shrink - cause he has some problems there.

Answer 3

Hi, Just one thought.. He could be hyper vigilant after being cheated on before.. It is very hard to trust after that. BUT what I would suggest that YOU do, is to sit down with him, let him know kindly that all his actions and suspicions are hurting you are your relationship right now. Then be willing to ask him what it is that he needs to feel secure with you.. To be more open, to share all mail, have access to each others statements (such as cell phone credit cards etc) and if h needs these things be willing to do it to show him you are an open book, and not hiding anything from him at all. In return he should be willing to do all the same things for you.. It is a two way street here. It will take Two of you to build trust. Then after you have talked and agreed upon things make any necessary changes... If he is still not trusting of you.. THen it is HIS problem, not yours. He will need counseling in order to heal his wounds from the past.. Any reassurance on your part will be helpful. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I understand your upset, but usually the real facter here is that he is the one that's cheating on you. I know it sounds weird, but I've done studies on this type of thing, and people who are inscure and constantly always feel you are cheating and try and make you cheat. it's because they want to keep you and have their cake too! What are you even doing that is makeing him think this? Are you staying out late nights with friends, not careing what he thinks? Is he controlling towards you? Men don't think like us, they are very senitive people. Believe it or not. I would not be able to take it, I would leave him. Especially if he starts talking about killing himself, or hurting you in someway or hurting himself. Cause that is a problem for you. Good Luck hope this helps.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like he is unhappy and looking for a way out. He's practically begging you to cheat! He's going out of his way to invent things to cause confrontation. When a person invents things to stir up a quiet relationship, it's usually because they are more accustomed to chaos than normalcy, and if things are too quiet, they just aren't happy. They would rather have the drama than a normal relationship. I know it sounds really weird and doesn't make sense, but I know someone just like this, and he does the same thing. He has serious issues and needs to address them through therapy with a professional- he is abnormally paranoid and needs to be set straight. This will not go away by itself, and you need to encourage him to get help to lose the excess baggage from his past relationships or it's never gonna work. The cycle will continue and you will never be happy.

Answer 6

I would start watching him. If the both of you are watching each other, than there is nothing else to watch for.
OR
You could come home one day, and start looking in the closets,under the bed, couches, all the rooms.
When he asks"what are you looking for?"
Tell him......
We trusted each other enough to say we love one another. We trusted each other to get married to each other. You are trying to catch someone you think is cheating, than I am too.
Whe he says, but I am not cheating, than say I am not either, so should I stop looking? He wil say yes, than say "will you stop too".
Hopefully he will say yes, or he will try to explain his right to keep doing so. I hope he will do the first one and not the latter.

Answer 7

I have been where your husband's at . My response to my husband was give me a reason not to be. My husband and I used to be together every moment possible. I now don't know where he been nor who he's been with. So checking up on him is a possibility, but doesn't stop the suspensions. especially since His new Friend is younger female. Of which he has confined he loves every much.So it's much worse now than ever.

I guess I'm trying to say make it so he doesn't have those suspensions. Which is hard to do and not smother each other too.

Answer 8

If you are not cheating then why does it upset you so much. Tell him to keep trying to catch you at something you are not doing. He will eventually quit. Like he said it has happened to him before and it is going to take time. When he is just sitting around you should suggest to him " Hey you should go and see if I am fooling around again. Keep saying that and he will get sick of it and quit. Good luck.

Answer 9

you could try accusing him, ask all the questions and stay on his back about it. Try stuff like:
Why do you smell like a women?
A women called today looking for you, who is she? I asked her name and she hung up?
Why are you ten minutes late? ....................... and so on
What I'm trying to say is give him a taste of his own medication. You could give that a try, but mostly I think he needs therapy, I'm very serious about that, he was so hurt from when he was cheated on before that he can't let it go, that is why he is putting you through this h*ll. Try to stick in there with him. He shouldn't be doing this to you, but I do know that when you are cheated on it can be very devastating and i don't think he will get over it with out therapy.

Answer 10

If you want to stay with him, I would encourage marital counseling, if he cannot overcome this, then I suggest moving on. I too in my past got tired of always being accused of cheating, when in fact I never did and he did at least three times that I know of in the 16 yrs we were together.

Be sure to check him out to make sure that he is not doing the deed himself.