My husband and i are having issues with our marriage. We love each other and don't think divorce is the answer. We have been married for almost 3 years now. We have 1 child (he's 2) and I am 7 months pregnant with child number 2. I don't know what to do. My biggest issue is with my mother in law and his relationship with her. His is that he doesn't understand why I have this huge issue with it. Am I wrong for wanting to feel like I come first all the time...between his mom and myself at least.
2006-08-08 11:11:14 · 11 answers · asked by R. J 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also we live in a totally different state than she does. So moving isn't the issue. And it's also not her....it's him.
2006-08-08 11:39:12 · update #1
Two words: couples therapy.
It sounds like you're both willing to attempt to work things out, so why not get a little objective help? Good luck!
2006-08-08 11:17:00 · answer #1 · answered by spunk113 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think feelings are ever wrong. The truth is....you feel hurt and jealous that his mother comes before you at times. I can understand that...and I would say it depends on how often he is doing it and what it is about. You might want to add some comments on here for the others who might respond...might help them to know exactly what you mean.
I would say that there has to be a mutual respect between all of you. He may be very close to his mother and you certainly don't want to come between a mother and her son. Try to visualize down the road when your son is grown and married and he is kind enough to still want to be with you now and then and cares enough to help you out when you need it...that would be great right? Just trying to help you see it from a different point of view.
On the other hand, if he is completely neglecting you to spend time with her, then that would be hurtful and I can really see where you would be coming from there. Also, if you have been telling him for weeks about the leak in the kitchen for example, and he decides that his Mother's floor needs new carpet...then I completely get it! It just isn't right in that case. There are so many different degrees of this...it's hard to know without more facts.
Congratulations on the new baby..I do think he needs to be devoting much of his time to you right now..being pregnant can be rough at times. Good luck to you! Things will work out.
2006-08-08 18:38:01 · answer #2 · answered by ShineOn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You got yourself a first class Mommas boy there. No matter what you do , no matter what you say moms coming first. There is nothing youve done wrong, its just this guy is afraid of losing her or offending her or whatever. And as long as Mommy dearest is around you will always be second best. You have 2 problems here;your feelings and marriage, and him and mommy with 1 main factor in both;him. He wont divorce you just as long as you dont try to pull those two apart and you wont be truly happy til you do. Catch 22 scenario. Unless you can get him to move away from her this will continue. Marriage counseling will only tell you to talk it out with him, but seldom works. Unfortunately, there really isnt a quick cure for this unless you take mom out back and shoot her. Youre just going to have to deal with it and hope mom has a short live span if you want your marriage to survive. If you dont, problem solved. Good luck
2006-08-08 18:31:09 · answer #3 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you are his wife and in your life, you should be first. He took you as his wife and you both started YOUR family. I am assuming she lives close by and keeps getting into your business.
It should be both of your business what goes on in your relationship and if he is running to mom over every little thing, then yes, it is going to become very stressful. He needs to grow up and pull away from mom a little bit. Because little does he know, he will end up driving a wedge between you and your mom-in-law, if every little problem is being shared.
She is still his mother, but little boys grow up to become men and mom shouldn't play such an important role in a marriage, marriage was meant for two....................three is a crowd!
A little poem that comes to mind...
I didn't marry you because you were perfect.
I married you because I loved you.
I married you because you gave me a promise.
That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine.
TWO imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
2006-08-08 18:23:44 · answer #4 · answered by rdhedhottie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel. My ex mother-n-law did not think I was good enough for her son. She caused so many problems in our marriage. I wasn't jealous of the relationship between them, I was upset because he took her side over anything to do with anything, because he didn't want to stand up to her. If we were visiting her, she would ask my ex husband to come with her she needed to tell him something and leave me sitting there like a fool. I confronted my ex at the time and said last I knew I was your wife. He understood exactly what I was saying. He did confront his mother and told her that I was his wife and what she had to say to him, she could say in front of me. She didn't like it, but it made him stronger. If she is not interfering in your marriage or with your children, I wouldn't worry too much. She is his mom and he loves her. Let him love her, you only have one mom as you well know. And there are so many people in this world who don't have mothers. You do come first in his life. Your his wife. He comes home to you, not her, right? It's healthy for him to have a good relationship with his mom as long as she doesn't interfere with your marriage and upbringing of your kids. Hope this helps. Bless you.
2006-08-08 20:25:43 · answer #5 · answered by older&wiserforit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not wrong for wanting to be first. Although sometimes you have to learn to swallow your pride and take things in stride. His mother was the first woman in his life and still thinks that she's most important. You are obviously the woman he chose to spend his life with so just try to comfort yourself with the fact that he chose you and he had no choice on her. Also break out your bible and show him the scripture reference about a man leaving his family and cleaving only to his wife. I believe it's in Ephesians chapter 5.
2006-08-08 18:24:58 · answer #6 · answered by trisha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would be nice if you were first all the time, but that is not likely. Have you told him why you have such a big issue with it. Maybe you need to explain it in detail. You should be at the top of his list, that's for sure.
2006-08-08 18:28:31 · answer #7 · answered by doglady 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to put a stop to her intruding. Give him an ultimatum...its you or her. You have to be #1...sorry mom takes the back seat from now on. If you do not set your ground...you will be miserable for years until you cannot take it any longer...I know by my own experience and believe me Mom will feel hurt but she will not die.
She will get used to taking her back seat role.
2006-08-08 18:18:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To me, being married means that NOTHING is more important than my spouse. Not our kids, not our families, not jobs, not life itself. NOTHING matters more than MY spouse. You are totally correct to require that YOUR spouse consider you the most important thing in the universe
2006-08-08 18:29:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is tough to unloosen those apron strings. Your hubby probably thinks of you first, most of the time. He loves his mommy too.
2006-08-08 18:16:26 · answer #10 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋