Tell me your own definition of "passive-agressive"?

Question

To be more specific, in relationships such as marriage.

Answer 1

In my view this is an important question.

Like many word-definitions constructed to describe complex or subtle psychological behavior, the term passive-aggressive is pregnant with many meanings and probably many causes and many ambiguities. It is difficult to reduce it to a single definition.

The fact that "passive" precedes "aggressive" probably indicates that it refers to exterior behavior that is passive but interior behavior that is aggressive. Outside one appears reasonable and compliant but inside one is determined to get one's own way even if it hurts others.

In my experience there are degrees and even types of passive aggressive behavior. It is also my experience that it can be as dangerous in many life situations - such as marriage - as out and out aggression. There is an intractability and concealed arrogance in it that is frightening in the long run.

Often it goads aggression out of another person in a very manipulative and even cynical way so that the passive-aggressive person can point the finger of blame at the one who has become aggressive. If this behavior becomes habitual, so that one never has to become responsible for one's own aggression or dark side, then it can injure the other person and the relationship as a whole. So in the end passive aggression can be destructive to both parties. This forces the other party to make a decision to either stay and fight through the masks that passive-aggression (P/A) hides behind, or else leave. In this sense a passive-aggressive person can be quite mean. They act as if they are righteous and self-sacrificing. But behind this appearance is a meanness that others detect and are easily confused by.

A passive-aggressive person may have learned to become so because often they felt impotent or misunderstood, starting as children. But when they continue this behavior into adulthood then it becomes both cowardly and cynical. It is aggressive, malevolent and condescending. P/A becomes a hard habit to break because it is easy to hurt another and get away with it if one's outer behavior appears innocent and meek.

People who have made themselves servile (often appearing as martyrs) will use passive-aggression as a form of revenge. But if they practice it on a person who is trying to make a life, trying to achieve something, then it is also a form of scape-goating. If severe enough this is a form of crime because it is repeatedly causing injury to another - psychologically, emotionally and hence physically. The deception built into passive-aggression can often make the other person crazy.

In the end most things - including the quality of your life - depends upon what is in your heart. If a person practices passive-aggression, even if they are seeking retaliation for some hurt or many hurts, what is in their heart and driving their behavior is aggression. They are then no better than the person they are blaming, goading, avenging, or manipulating. It is not a healthy psychological mechanism no matter how unjust one feels the world is or how impotent one may feel. It is short-sighted and far too manipulative. Rather than continue with this behavior indefinitely it would be more courageous to end the relationships that appear to foster it. One is then free to practice more positive behavior such as serving for the sake of life; helping because it really benefits someone; or expressing one self with creative zeal. A deep unhappiness often lies at the root of passive-aggression. The person is afraid to admit the unhappiness and its causes and then take the potentially independent and right action to transform it.

When a marriage becomes stagnant, or gripped by a power-struggle, passive-aggressive behavior can seep into it and dominate its tone. This is a deception. It is a misguided attempt to either gain control over the other or blame the other for the state of the marriage. On the other hand if passive aggression has been there - unnoticed - from the beginning, it may also contribute to the stagnation, and may be a part of an on-going power struggle. It is then capable of strangling the marriage or relentlessly undermining it.

It is hard to get to the bottom of this mechanism just as it is hard to get to the bottom of laziness, the inability to love or to show kindness toward another. Ultimately it is an underhanded misuse of both power and creative energy that potentially exist in all relationships including marriage. Passive-aggression does not only attempt to deceive others. In the end it is also a form of self-deception. It can make one blind to one's own anger, desire for power and control, and even one's own personal bitterness. It is a trap that should be avoided if possible.

Thank you very much for raising the question.

B. Lyons

Answer 2

When people are married, sometimes they use passivity to get their way. For example: a husband wants to go out, and suggests that she never lets him go anywhere. Her passive-agressive response might be something like "well, I'm such a horrible wife, aren't I? I just can't do anything right." It's the guilt trip, but they appear to be putting blame on themselves. At the same time, they are really attacking you and putting words in your mouth.

Answer 3

I would describe a passive-aggressive person as one who intentionally causes problems but then appears innocent. These individuals often do this to get back at you for something. For example, you may ask a friend to do you a favor and they say they will. They "forget" to do this favor, which creates a problem for you. The individual is being aggressive, but is being passive in doing so. In a marital relationship, one spouse could become "ill" and not go to your reunion simply because he/she was upset with you about something else.

Answer 4

Passive aggressiveness is seen when someone's actions do not match their words. For example, someone could say, "no that doesn't bother me" while they start gritting their teeth, making loud sighs, and otherwise acting bothered. It is also seen when someone doesn't want to do something -- for example, if the in-laws are expected for dinner, and one spouse is dreading it, that spouse may come home quite late, and not call - causing everyone to have to wait, etc. Not following through with commitments, procrastinating, saying one thing & doing another...that sort of stuff. the stuff that crazy making is made of!

Answer 5

Passive aggressive mean a person who is generally "meek and mild", but pushed to the edge can make them someone you'd rather not fool with!!

Example: My ex always spoiled me rotten and I took his meekness for his weakness. When he finally got tired of my shennanigans, he let me know how he felt by trying to "put his hands on me". The end result was him sitting in the Harris County (Texas) Jail for 24 hours to calm down!!

Answer 6

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To be a passive aggressive is to retain a passive demeanor and retain the aggressive nature that has made one successful. Passive aggression would be beneficial to those of us who don't desire stress. Know-how, as well as well defined education directions keep the aggressiveness on course, making the aggression seem second nature, along with the self-taught means of keeping one's composure.

Answer 7

Passive-aggressive behavior means 'NO'. It can be expressed by not taking any action when an issue needs to be addressed, refusing to communicate, pretending not to understand, or by not reciprocating, to name a few.

Answer 8

I'm told I'm this all the time. In my experience it means that I'm angry about something, but I take it out on someone else. Instead of confronting what is really bothering me, I do things to irritate another person. In this case, my wife.

Answer 9

The aggrieved party says nothing and takes no overt action but lets the grievor know her displeasure by burning supper, and spilling milk in his lap.

Answer 10

Bush kicked back at the ranch, while our sons and daughters are being shot at and killed for no apparent good reason!