Has anyone ever used a past mistake you've made to make you feel guilty during disagreements?

Question

It's been discussed on many talk shows. If this has happened to you,how did it make you feel? Do you know why people do this to another? I would like to hear peoples opinions and views on this. I'm curious how many have experienced it?

Answer 1

NimbleMinx has a valid point~if the person doesn't realize their past acts are still being done due to their present mindset or for any reason, really. its like a broken bone set improperly or not at all. sometimes to correct this DRs have to break then reset the bone b4 it can heal properly. because, if its not dealt with it will continue to be an issue. the focus isnt necessarily on the past act, (broken bones) it is on the reasons why the person acted so to show they still are behaving as they did. & all the problems that will arise from their actions f they do not change their tudes, hopefully, to get them to "break" the habit. doing so for love and respecting them for who they are not what theyve done.

personally i dont feel guilty because of anything someone else says. (do ppl really feel guilty or do they use that as an excuse to get ppl to stop looking at their poor choices?) this way ppl can act anyway they want to w/o responsibility for how they behaved bc its always in the past. and guilt trips dont work unless ppl feel guilty, right? as for ppl who bring up others actions maybe, they dont know how to get another to acknowledge "whats what" any other way. take their loving concern for what its worth, as they try to do right. i dont believe in "winning" an argument. i believe you win ones trust and heart that youre doing so for love of them.

God says even to listen to the heated rantings of one's enemies and allow them to speak their mind. so, if He says to hear our enemies, how much more so should we listen to our loved ones?
pastors priests sinners saints and the devil himself can guilt trip me to hell and back as many times as they want. but God died once, for all our sins. i dont feel guilty neither should anyone who believes.

Answer 2

My dad does that all the time. I call it his guilt trip and I believe that if you look in the dictionary, you will find that it means that someone brings something up that brings you guilt. My dad doesn't intentionally do that, but it happens and it causes quite a rift between us that just seems to keep growing sometimes.
I feel torn apart. Part of me believes what the other person says. I fall into the trap that is set right before my very eyes. I absolutely hate that. I'm trying to be more aware when this happens. Even though I have made mistakes, I am not the only one who has. The other person in the conversation has too. Mistakes are planted all along the road of life. So they're inevitable, and if I have made one, that doesn't mean that it can be thrown back in my face. I could just do that to the other person in the conversation. I'm a big believer in the whole "life should be fair" thing. I really don't appreciate it when someone says "who said life is fair?". That bothers me, simply because, life can be fair if we try hard enough. Life has oppurtunities everywhere, just as many as mistakes probably. Both are inevitable in life. Neither should be scorned or put down. We are human and that means that we make mistakes, meaning everyone, even the ones who feel as if they don't.
I think people bring up past mistakes because they need a little self boost. They need to know that other people make mistakes and are just like them in some senses. I think that they need to feel better about themselves, and they were perhaps raised that way. Raised under or around people who did this all the time. Or perhaps, they weren't raised all that well. Their parents or guardians weren't as attentive as they should have and as a result, the person who comes out of that situation only wants so much more for their own children. They want their own children to not make the same mistakes, or any at all for that matter. They want the best and more, partially because they didn't have it.
Reasons for all of your questions are going to vary for individuals and their situation, but i think that you asked a very good question and I thank you for that. I hope this helps.

Answer 3

It depends both on personality and maturity level, whether this strategy gets used in an argument.

People argue not just because they disagree but because they feel threatened, neglected, etc. So often these arguments are not logical conversations where both sides are trying to find "the truth," it's usually at some level a free-for-all fight for survival in order to protect one's own interests.

In light of this, for many people, anything that can help one become victorious over the other is considered "fair game."

Some personality types also have trouble distinguishing past hurt from current hurt. The common denominator is that they hurt "then" and hurt "now" -- so the two "hurts" in their mind are connected, even if one is not logically derived from the other. Feeling-based personalities (the xxFx types in Myers-Briggs, for example) are more liable to fall into this logical fallacy.

Sometimes the past mistake *is* logically connected to the current hurt/disagreement. (For example, a past breach of trust in the relationship will be dredged up in a current argument as relevant, if trust is a factor of the discussion.)

Anyway, if you're referring just to the talk show version, a typical strategy when one is faced with an argument one cannot defend against is to "deflect" the discussion into something the person WAS responsible for.

(I.e., when the spouse says, "You know, I was hoping you would remember to take out the trash rather than letting it overflow onto the floor," and the other spouse responds immediately with, "Why don't you ever put your laundry where it belongs? I'm always cleaning up after you!" or "Yeah, like you have any reason to talk after what you did to ME last month..." or so on.)

The effects? Well, it hurts! I know when it happens to me, I (1) don't feel listen to, (2) am not being treated as a friend but as an enemy, and (3) despair that my voice will ever be heard or the problem resolved. It also leaves bitterness towards the other person, since they've hurt me [unfairly] and ignored the problem at my expense. They've also dredged up the past and laid a guilt trip on me, so now unforgiveness is involved. I am also now tempted to do the same thing to them, since I want to be heard and because I feel I have an excuse.

As a [negative] strategy, it can often be effective, but it is destructive to the participants and to the relationship. It doesn't ultimately solve anything, it just allows the person doing it to (1) win and (2) avoid the ego pain of admitting their own mistakes.

Answer 4

This is a common tactic of people who lack the skills to carry out a real negotiation. Guilt is not an emotion I'm prone to having, but that hasn't stopped others from making emotional appeals in an attempt to get their way. My opinion on the matter is that it is far more useful to appeal to a person's self-interest rather than to their emotions.

When people try this tactic with me, I feel superior. I know I am dealing with a person who does not understand persuasion or human nature. I'm sure almost everyone has met someone who uses this tactic. People do this because they think your mistakes from the past are somehow relevant to this present moment, and they're not, especially if you have learned from them and moved on with life. People do this when they want something and feel that you owe it to them, when in reality you don't owe anyone anything at all. People do this because they are inept in the art of negotiation and persausion, and they don't know how to get what they want by playing off of the other person's individual psychology.

Answer 5

I think people use it as a trump card. They know it is a sensitive subject for you, so it is thrown in when they are losing their ground in the argument. It may be the result of an intense need to win, at all costs, and then again, it may be vindictive & vicious. Perhaps this is a passive aggressive way of "rubbing your nose" in something they obviously feel judgmental about. People do this everyday, and it is only the rare enlightened that refrain from doing this. Generally, people who have had the benefit of therapy, and have examined their own issues fearlessly and thoroughly will not do those sort of things, because they are more conscious of their words and actions & the impact they have on others. They tend to be more respectful.

Answer 6

Several times...my ex wife used to love doing it...which is one of the reasons she's an EX...it's pathetic, shows a lack of intelligence in as much as not being able to put forward a constructive point, it's childish, and if someone has any feelings for their partner, the last thing they should be doing is trying to remind them of past mistakes..;I had plenty of amunition to retaliate with, but I couldn't get that low if I limbo danced

Answer 7

My mom used to do this all the time. I don't think she realized how hurtful it was for me. I finally sat down and wrote her a letter (I'm better with words written rather than those spoken) and told her how I felt about her constantly throwing the past in my face. I was told (by my dad) that the letter hurt her feelings but she hasn't done that ever since I wrote the letter and gave it to her.

Answer 8

Well the past is over so I try not to feel bad about history
but some people will hold experiences over your head to make them self's feel better about their role in your life. these people suck and will try this on anyone they want to control. As long as they have a little dirt on you. So don't let them know what you don't hear about later. Take it to the grave.

Answer 9

The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior and I have a very long memory.