My best friend violated me?!?!?!?!?

Question

I'm 19 and so is she. She was spending the night at my house and "made a move" on me. We've been best friends since middle school and I had no idea she felt that way. What am I supposed to do? and Why did she do it?

but she's never even let on that she liked girls. She's gorgeous and has always had boyfriends and everything. In all these years it seems I would have noticed if something was amiss. And I'm not that way at all but I'm worried because I can't quit thinking about it.

I know violated is a strong word but it was just so shocking.
In a condensed version we were just sitting around talking and i think a movie was on...you know...friend stuff.
She started acting kinda nervous and then she just looked at me with that "look". It's hard to explain but it wasn't the look you give a best friend...like an "I want you" look.
Nothing happened for a while and then later we were sitting there and she started playing with my hair (which always feels good) and rubbing my back (which always feels good) but we've done that a lot.
Anyway, she pulled my hair out of my face and looked deep into my eyes...that's when I froze.
Then she kissed me...not just a peck but a slow deep kiss.
This is the bad part...I kissed her back. But it didn;t get any farther than kissing. But what about the next time she's over. I mean we're best friends so we do get together a lot.
I know this sounds like I'm lesbian or bi or something but I'm just confused and don't know what to do.

And I'm not judgemental. She'll be my best friend no matter what and I'm NOT going to go spread rumors or anything. Being best friends will just cause me to get pulled into the rumors.

Answer 1

I'm sorry. That's a hard thing to deal with but I think you really need to talk to her and ask her those same questions. Being up front and letting her know how it made you feel is the best way to go. However please don't sound judgemental or confrontational when you talk to her. It isn't like you can't still be friends but you need to find out what is going on with her.

I had a friend do the same thing to me when I was your age and come to find out she just wanted to know if she honestly had those kinds of feelings toward women and thought that choosing someone she knew well was the best way to try it out. I told her that it made me uncomfortable and that I wasn't interested in her that way. She understood and accepted what I had to say. Good luck.

Answer 2

The first thing you'll need to do is think calmly. Okay, you didn't know she felt that way, and now you do. It doesn't change anything about your friendship so much as better inform you about it. If that's not your thing, just let her know. She's probably afraid that she just lost a friend. You guys can still be friends, and she'll probably never try it again. When friends are attracted to eachother, the lines can get blurry. You've now established what kind of a relationship you do and don't have with eachother. That's perfectly acceptable, and if your friend isn't out yet, this is probably all very scary to her. Be a good friend to her through all this (without doing anything that makes you uncomfortable), and you'll have a good friend for life. Good luck!

Answer 3

oh come on now, she didn't violate you. she "made a move", which is exactly what a boy would do if he liked you. it's really no different. she likes you, and she thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd like her back. she was obviously wrong, but hey, it happens. you had no idea, which is understandable. she's probably really shy about this sort of thing, and maybe even a little bit ashamed(which is a sad, sad thing).


what are you supposed to do? stay friends with her. don't give her the impression that like her if you don't(i'm assuming you don't), and don't pretend like maybe you'll "come around". just be firm about your stance: you are her friend, not her girlfriend. if she can respect your boundaries, you can still be bff's, okay?

why did she do it? because being gay is very lonely sometimes. it's so much easier being straight: you can pretty much assume that everyone you like at least likes your gender. and you can reasonably expect that if you let someone know you like them, they won't freak out on you. it's so much harder for homosexuals. you never know, i mean REALLY know unless someone just says "yeah, i'm gay". it's hard. and sometimes you get so lonely, and someone who's always been your friend, and always supported you seems like a very attractive possibility. and sometimes it works, too. and sometimes it doesn't and that usually ruins the friendship, either because the gay friend can't keep thier hands off, or because the straight friend can't be comfortable around them anymore.

i would say just let this pass. it was a mistake on her part, and you'll both get over it and continue to enjoy each other's company, as long as you respect each other.

in response to your edits(which weren't there when i originally formulated this thing...):

don't be so quick to say someone is either gay or straight or bi. everybody is a little bit of both, trust me. now... i want to be very careful the way i word this. i wouldn't want to encourage you to do anything you don't WANT to do... but... did you want to kiss her back? did you like it? would you do it again? none of this means you HAVE to do anything. you can just stop where you feel comfortable. or you can just not do anything. you have options here.

Answer 4

I've had the exact same problem with a few of my closest female friends over the past few months. A couple of the friendships have never been the same, there's always this uneasyness when we're around each other. Don't let the friendship be ruined over this.

I think you should ask her those questions, it's the only way you're going to get answers. Be as open as you can with her if you want her to be open back.

Answer 5

O.K. for one there's no reason to freak out....she's probably curious or a lesbian and because you two are best friends she feels the most comfortable with you and she most likely loves you too as a friend and maybe something more.

You should have a sit down with her and explain to her you are not interested in having a sexual relationship with her, but you two can remain friends and you will support her in what choice she makes in her personal life.

That's what friends do....support each other. It's understandable that you maybe a freaked out by it....but I would take it more as a compliment because she trusts you and respects you enough to try something new like that.

Answer 6

If she really is your best friend, take a while and think about it, your on the right track by asking advice. Then go back and speak to her. Pick someplace where you both can speak openly and honestly... I recommend a coffee house (it helps to re establish those boundary's).

When I was 21, a good friend of mine made a move on me. It was so uncomfortable. Later, her boyfriend came over to get 'into the action' (it was a plan). My decision was easy, she wasn't MY BEST FRIEND...... therefore I didn't need a friend like that.

Take the time to speak to your friend. She is/ was probably confused....

Answer 7

Violated is a strong word. Would you say the same thing if she were a he? You obviously are upset by this, but are you being to uptight about this? If you really are a good friend you will lighten up, tell her you are not interested in that kind of relationship and accept her for who she is. There could be allot of reasons behind what happened but to understand it you have to calm down and talk to her about what happened.

Answer 8

Tell her how you feel. If she is your best friend, she will understand how you feel. Let her know that you care about her, but feel what she did was inappropriate. I had something like this happen to me with a friend who is "bi curios," I just told her that I loved her as a friend only and that I wasn't into that kind of thing. If this is something you can get over, do. If not, time to move on.

Answer 9

She is either gay or bisexual and wanted to make love with you. It's as simple as that. I don't think she meant to "violate" you. You feel that way, I suspect, because it was such a surprise and you had never thought about it before. I think you should talk with her and tell her that you still care about her as a friend, but that you are not interested in women that way.

BTW, this very thing happened to me years ago. I had a long conversation with a male friend over dinner. It was a normal evening with a male friend. Anyway,after we left the restaurant, he put his arm around me and ask me to go to bed with him. I was very, very shocked. It was way out of left field from my perspective. And, for a brief time, I was angry about it.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Don't be upset. And don't loose the friendship. What did you do when she made the move? She may be just curious or maybe she's gay but if she's been a friend this long it's a good chance she's a good friend. Make it clear you don't feel the same way and just be there for her. Good luck.