What can I say to my husband without causing a worse fight?

Question

He called me, and after a nice conversation, asked me if I knew the website we use to pay our gas bill. I didn't know it, so I said so. Then he goes, I didn't expect you to know it right off the top of your head, and asked me if there was a bill in our basket. I said no, I don't think so, but I will check anyway. And then he just told me to forget it, and I could tell it wasn't like, "don't worry about it, honey," it was out of frustration. I tried to tell him I was looking, but he just wanted to get off the phone, so we did. So then I got on the computer to look up the website, and called him to tell him when I found it. He just started in on telling me how he was annoyed at me because I was making it seem like I didn't know what he was talking about, and that he felt like he had to explain to me how to find the website. Then, he started telling me how I act like that pretty often, and that it really is annoying......more below....

I told him that I don't know how I came across that way, but he said that I act like I can't take initiative sometimes & just do it. But I did do it, and told him so. It was like he wasn't hearing me, bc he just kept repeating things. He even said, you're 22, you've been to college, you're a grown woman, you need to act like it. I don't honestly think I did anything to make him upset, and told him that, & if I did come across that way, it wasn't on purpose, bc that was not the case at all. He said that he didn't think I did it on purpose, but that I really was acting that way. I don't see it at all. I told him that he was nitpicking at me, and that I am simply not perfect. He told me that he was "correcting" me. I felt like my intelligence was being insulted. I tried to talk sense into him by retracing exactly what was said; didn't work. We've been getting along so well. I don't understand how one tiny tiff can be such a big thing. And I really don't appreciate being "corrected."

Well, I know we will have to talk about it when he gets home, that is his style. He is not responding to my efforts to text or call him, so I am feeling a bit of dread.

This is for Manny: my husband is a Marine Sgt. At work, he sits at his desk, and surfs the internet (watching funny/gross videos on YouTube, etc). He has no tasks to complete, no responsibilites. He just takes up space. Therefore, the problem is not that he is just so overwhelmed at work and wants nothing to do with home matters.

The job is by no means "dead end," he is just in the middle of ranks right now. He is about to get a promotion, so the guy who was up next to do his last job is now doing it.

Answer 1

"Be patient with me, I'm a work in progress" Starting off that way can diffuse any defensiveness, then maybe say something like "Let's try to be more patient and understanding with each other as we learn about this whole marriage thing"

Answer 2

It seems your husband is either being passive-aggressive, or, is unable to communicate to you what he really wants to say. Whatever the case, my sense is that he seems to be saying that there's an unequal distribution of responsibilities in your relationship. Specifically, he seems to be suggesting that he is taking on most of these responsibilities (e.g., paying the bills) and getting little to no assistance from you. He might be suggesting this indirectly (e.g., asking if you know where to pay the bills), because he feels that if he asks you to do these things, it may make him look like less of a man (e.g., the proverbial king of his castle).

I am not sure I'm interpreting the information you provided correctly, but at any rate, you should just try to remain as neutral as possible and try to understand the source of his "frustration"? Does he somehow feel powerless because he has a seemingly dead end job as it appears to be the way you describe it? Is the source of his frustration really you?

Answer 3

i'm so sorry about the arguments. It does sound like what happens at my house. You have to tiptoe around every question and hope you don't offend your spouse. For the life of me I can't think of why he would explode when all you said was "I don't know". That was a perfect answer. I have to admit sometimes I make up a lie just to satisfy her, and that's wrong. But all you did was admit you didn't know, just like he didn't know. He's having a bad day and the best thing to do is let it drop. Now the problem is, is there tension between you still? I sure hope not.

Answer 4

Sounds like maybe he is having a bad day or something. (Doesn't excuse his behavior) I would sit down with him when he gets home and has had time to cool off and ask him if he was having a bad day. If he says yes, tell him that you understand that he may have been under a lot of stress at work, but that you did not appreciate the way he talked to you and disrespected you. That may help.

Answer 5

What that lady said is wrong, listen to me, because I have one of you at home.

Your husband makes 100's of decisions every day at work that effect the income of your household. He doesn't want to make anymore decisions at home. He wants YOU to make them. It doesn't matter if it's the 'wrong' decision, just don't bring your hubby in on the decision making process. He doesn't want to think for you, so you need to start doing it yourself. Take care of EVERYTHING. Just handle what comes up.

Try not to involve your hubby in every decision that involves you two. Just make an executive decision. If he doesn't like what you've chosen, then tell him, "I made an executive decision, and that's how it is. If you don't like it, tough."

If your husband is a manager at work, he does NOT want to be a manager at home. I promise you this. Just get organized, and handle things that need to be handled. If something is comming up that needs his input, offer him choice a, b, or c. If he asks for other choices, don't take it personally. If he doesn't like what you've chosen DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

** IN that case, just tell the old man to get off your back ;-) he should have known what he was getting into when he got up with such a young hottie! **

Answer 6

Yeah I remember telling my wife she being very very very annoyed and i started to getting mad at her and we got home from work and she sit down with me and explain to me and I like oh my gosh no wonder it not about her being annoying me?? it BC that she is hearing and I am deaf smiling. I learn her hearing world and She learn my deaf world. and we work it out fine.

Long you sit down with him tell him what was wrong? are you not happy with me?? then why are you really givng me hard time thinking that I am annoying you?? I am not.. didn't mean I go to college done with that and you don't didn't mean I am smarter than you .. I married you becasue I love you and respect you and you never feel about me.. I need to know when and where did it started for you to feel that way? then we need to go back and fix the plm., you know that I am not doing anything make you feel annoyed and I do like to feel pretty. I am a woman!, also you knew when you met me and what it like for me to be and you married me though that you love me who i am not becasue i started to be annoying you...

yeha find out when it started and what made him feel that way might be seeing other girl hoping you divorce him or something.I check your yahoo 360 you seem very nice person and great personility and you do look pretty you don't act pretty that different the picture tells more than 1,000 words and you do look pretty. becasue you do feel good about yourself.. smiling.

hope that helps.